Still stressing over education

Have I stressed out about education enough lately? Probably not.

Ha, probably. But I'm an over-achiever, and I don't like to do anything less than perfect.

So I'm still stressing.

I'm fairly certain I've added gray hairs to my head over this freaking out and overanalyzing.

It's no secret that I'm a fan of homeschooling/unschooling. But I'm a die-hard believer of child-led education, as well. Which might lead to the school.

Oh, goodness.

This shouldn't be so crazy difficult.

I vote we get one thing in parenting that is super easy - and I vote it be this. Education.

J said it best. If we just didn't care, it wouldn't matter. We could easily say our kids are doing x - whether it be public, private, or homeschool. It wouldn't matter because we decided and that's that because we aren't considering anything else. One shoe fits all and all that jazz.

But we know better. And we do care. So thus the stress.

H wants to go to kindergarten. That's not a secret. She's gone back and forth for a while, but she's pretty committed to the cause at this point. I even asked her yesterday if her bff doesn't go with her, would she still want to go. Truthfully, I figured she'd say no. She said, "Well, um, yes. Yes, I want to go even without L."

Well, fuck.

Okay. But then what? Where do we go from there? To actual school-school? Back home?

What will that year do? Will it enrich her life and be a positive experience?

Or will it be negative?

A little girl, too big for her britches, not socially couth. She doesn't understand being unkind to other kids just for they hey of it, which we witnessed yesterday at the park, where she was so appalled and confused with the kids' treatment of one another. Do I want that to be a part of her daily life this young? Yes, I know I cannot keep her in a bubble forever, and it's completely not my goal or desire, but does she need that kind of negativity around her right now? I just don't feel like it's necessary for her emotional or mental development.

Argh. There is just so much that goes into it.

Our local public school is too scary to be an option.

Sending her to private school sets a premise we must be able to uphold. And not just for her, but for her brother, too.

And we're not opposed, but it will drastically change our lives. And theirs, too. Because H is so involved and in love with her extracurriculars, and those would simply not be feasible, at all, if we are paying tuition. Especially for two.

What if school makes learning unenjoyable for her and completely squashes that desire? She's such an eager little sponge right now. I'd hate to see that killed because she was told she's learning too fast or too slow. I don't want her to be bored. I don't want her to stop loving to learn.

I don't want her to be competing academically against her peers. Learning shouldn't be about being the best or getting and A. It should be about genuinely learning and loving it and retaining. Because doing well for the A or to be the best is not really learning. I was that kid. I couldn't tell you most of the stuff I "learned" in kid. But I have the grades to prove I did...

And of course, J is more against the institution of school than I am. I do think that with the right school and the right kid, it can work out and be a good thing. J doesn't believe that anyone truly benefits from the school system. And I totally get where he is coming from. I had enough negative experiences in school to write a book, and I was a brown-noser, people-pleaser I wasn't the poor Mexican kid who had his head slammed into his desk by his second grade teacher because he was "too stupid" to read...or you know, just dyslexic...

Oh, Christ.

I know things are supposed to be different now in schools. But I still don't trust it.

If you were female and wore a low-cut top to my 7th grade Geography class you were insured a good grade. A 5th grade teach was sexually harassing his female students for years before anyone even pretended to care.

I was be-rated by my 10th grade English teacher because I was had written an essay "too good to be written by a 15 year old." Even after he was told by our headmistress that he was out of line, he never apologized to me.

I was given detention by one teacher because I wouldn't skip my biology class to help him decorate his classroom. For real.

In a class that was not remotely related to health or sexual education, we spent an entire class period discussing how everyone had lost the virginity with the teacher. Talk about awkward when you and one other girl realize that you're the only 15-year-old virgins in the class.

And these are just little things in the grand scheme of my whole educational experience.

And there are so many, many more just like it.

The fact that I still remember them, that I still remember the sickness it made me feel straight through to my core, tells me they were negative enough experiences to make a lasting impression on me.

I don't want my daughter or son to experience these things.

But I want H and B to have options. I want them to have a type of control over their life that I never felt I had.

But I also recognize how young they are. They still need guidance of some sort. They don't understand everything that comes from making a choice to attend school. Or not to attend.

I feel like I should have forever to figure this stuff out, but really I'm all ready so behind.

Too much stress, and not enough play...

I still don't know what to do.

I feel like every other aspect of parenting I really have my shit together and don't second guess myself or the choices J and I make.

But this one. This education thing. I'm so freaking lost.

The nursery furniture

I moved H's dresser out of her room today.

Finally.

Now that her closet is organized to accommodate all of her clothes, it simply isn't needed. Which was my intention.

Because I have something against dressers. It's irrational. I know that. I just don't like them.

Not in bedrooms anyway. The small ones in our library, I love.

Anyway, I digress.

The dresser is out. The room is cute and more spacious.

But the dresser is now sitting in the guest room. With the matching long dresser.

The bed that matches it all is wrapped up and in storage.

It used to be H's crib.

Which we didn't get much use out of it.

It converts to a toddler bed. Then a full size bed if you buy the rails.

It all seemed like a great and necessary investment when Miss H was still in the womb.

So did the coordinating nursery décor. And tiny little baby socks. And a baby bathtub.

You know, the things that turned out to be totally pointless?

Yeah.

But I'm attached to this furniture like a crazy person.

Figures.

The only things I feel sentimental over from my children's babyhood is barely used nursery furniture and a box of cloth diapers.

Yes, yes. Laugh. Diapers that my kids peed and pooped in I cannot bring myself to part with. I've de-stashed significantly, but some I just cannot let go of.

And here I am at that same cross roads with this furniture.

It's not being used, so why keep it?

Because I cannot let it go.

Me, the Queen of Purge, the girl with little attachment to anything material, cannot let go of some furniture we hardly ever used.

The rocker I nursed my babies to sleep in every night, I let go.

I baby wrap I held them close to me for the first few early months, I let go.

The toys and blocks that we played with for hours on the floor when they were infants, gone.

The adorable tiny baby outfits they were too cute for words, gone.

But the furniture. The furniture. Oh, the furniture.

I don't know how to let that go.

I can keep it for H in case she wants it some day. It's technically hers anyway. Wrap it up and store it away. And I probably will.

But even putting it out in storage seems challenging. Like I just don't want to quite let it go.

Which is ridiculous.

My babies are growing up.

And I'm totally okay with that. In fact, I love it. They are way more fun now.

They feed themselves and go potty on their own. They don't need to me do nothing but hold them and nurse them all day. I have the ability to break free and get some time for myself. And I adore the people they are. The people they are becoming.

I'm not even a little bit sad that they're not babies.

Yet there is that nursery furniture. And I just can't seem to let it go.

A new car seat for longer rearfacing!

Last week I drove over to help clear some stuff out of my grandma's house.

We took my car into the shop and I didn't even think about H and B's car seats.

Well, fortunately, we have two spares.

Unfortunately, H has outgrown them rear facing.

H is technically big enough to be forward facing. Well, if we are talking technicality so is B. But I'm not comfortable with him being forward facing at all. Nor am I really her either. I realize eventually it will be inevitable. She will have to forward face most of her life. But not yet. Just not yet.

Although she is nearly a full year older, she is still smaller than my friend's 3 yr old boy who died last September after being rear ended. He was internally decapitated, and that phrase always sends a shiver down my spine.

He was forward facing. If he'd been rear facing, he'd have walked away from the relatively minor crash with his momma.

I all ready planned to rear face as long as possible, because there is too much information out there proving it is safest. But that terrible tragedy really enforced this belief. I still think of that dear, sweet boy almost daily. As much as it hurts my heart, I cannot even begin to imagine how much it hurts his momma.

So driving over an hour one-way with H forward facing really had me on edge. When I got home I told J I can't. I can't have her forward facing, even on rare occasions. Not yet. Sure, she'd probably be just fine. Most kids are. Obviously most children survive cars. They survive being buckled incorrectly. They survive car seats not installed correctly. They survive being moved out of 5 point harnesses before they're 65lbs, etc., etc. They survive.

But some don't. And how on earth would I live with myself if something happened to one of my kids and I knew - I knew - there was a safer option? I don't think I could handle it.

J didn't even think twice as he read his credit card number to me and I ordered H a new seat for his car.

In my car she rides in a Radian. And she's in my car like 98% of the time, if not more. She'll rear face in it for a long, long while yet. We almost bought another Radian for J's car, but we decided to go with a Graco Size4Me, since I think H will likely outgrow her Radian in length long before weight. And if she does, well, we can switch car seats for a while.

Mostly, I need her to rear face until we're comfortable letting B forward face. Because having them opposite directions would be trickier since they're so close in age. I mean, it might happen that they have to be, because B is just so little and he has a long while before he ever catches up to her.

But at least this buys us more time. At least for a while longer, I know that they are their absolute safest. And their safety is just too important to gamble with.




*** It's really important for me to state that I do NOT judge anyone who makes different car seat choices. I know we all come to different conclusions for different reasons. And if we were in different circumstances, other factors might be more important - like living in a hot climate and having no a/c in the car, etc., etc. I cannot even pretend to know anything about why someone else may make their choices, and it is not my place to have an opinion, but I feel that this is TOO important, not to talk about.

Happy Mother's Day!

Goodness. I feel like so much has happened since I last posted, I don't even know where to start!

So I will just start with today.

Happy Mother's Day!

I am so fortunate to be surrounded by so many amazing mothers! I gain so much wisdom from them. They surround me with such love. I couldn't have asked for a better village.

And of course I thank God daily for the two amazing miracles that made me a momma twice over.

I had no idea I could find my true calling in life by simply being a mom.

I chuckled this past weekend when my great-uncle said to me, "When are you going back to school?"

"To school for what?" I asked. "I have the best job in the world being a mom."

"You're a smart girl. You need to go back to school."

"School will always be there," I told him, smiling so fiercely he probably thought I was crazy. "These two amazing tiny people will only be so little and need me for so long. There is nothing in the world I'd rather be doing. How lucky am I, that I have the ability and intelligence to do anything in the world I could ever desire, and I get the privilege of doing exactly what I want. Just being a mom."

"You're happy," was all the more he said.

It used to really frustrate me when people asked when I'd go back to school. Or would state, not so politely, "You're just a mom?!" or "Wow, you've thrown your life away." (Yes! I've been told that more than once!).

Now it doesn't phase me. I just realize that those people have either never experience parenthood, or it didn't turn out to be their passion like it is mine. And that's okay.

I don't understand how my husband finds being an engineer enjoying, and I'd never want to do that every day. But it makes him happy. And I'd never think less than of him for it.

But I digress...

This morning my sweet babes brought me breakfast in bed at 8am. I'd like to say I slept until then, but that'd be a lie, ha. But I did just sort of lounge in bed half-asleep from 6:30-8. So that was enough.

We had lunch at my favorite little French restaurant down the street from us. And then walked through campus. The kids collected caterpillars, totally freaked out grown adults by how many they had at times, stomped through the creek, and then gladly rode home in the stroller before we headed over to get some gardening stuff. We grilled out for dinner, and voila! Day is over.

Crazy how quickly time flies when you're having fun.

And man, I am having fun! Every single day. I'm so freaking blessed. I love mommyhood.

Anyway, I'll wrap this up with a slew of pictures of adorable little people.

 B is super into getting his photo taken these days!

 

 They were really into having a group photo until the lady we asked to take one was about to click. Then it just went crazy...

 

 My heart. These two are simply my heart.

 

 She so badly wanted her photo taken with this statue.

 

 Caterpillars!

 

 She's the caterpillar whisperer.

 

 So gorgeous...

 

So fun!