It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Turkey Day went off without a bang. No pun intended.

We had a great time spending time with my dad and step-mom, and older sister and her boyfriend. We ate too much food and drank too much wine and it was a grand time.

But I'm glad it's over.

Because I'm not a "Thanksgiving" person. Like, I enjoy the whole family aspect of it, but the whole, "let's celebrate the Native American Holocaust" not so much. And I know most factual history, not mythological history, which is what is taught in schools. So trust me, that whole sweet and charming Pilgrims and Indians First Thanksgiving thing is pretty much a rouse. I mean, it technically happened. But not at all in the fictitious way we preach.

Anyway. I digress.

Yesterday we had a ton of fun picking out a Christmas tree. Since I donated ours to Goodwill last year after discovering they're full of lead and pretty toxic if you touch them, the artificial tree had to go. H wanted a tree her size. So she picked one right out after touching every tree and smelling them and counting them and contemplating them. Mostly, it was quite the process.

Then we put it on top of one of their kiddie tables and decorated it sans lights (unless Christmas lights are RoHS compliant, they're extremely toxic with lead, cadmium, and other hazardous chemicals. So toxic, in fact, that they actually suggest that all individuals wear gloves not only while handling the lights while putting them up on the tree, but even if you're just touching them for a second to change a dead light or something. It's the string, not the actual light bulb, that is so toxic. Eek!). Hopefully sometime between now and next year I will get around to ordering some safe lights.

Anyway, the kids hung up a ton of Styrofoam ornaments full of glitter, some dye-free candy canes, and homemade ornaments and ribbons. We still intend to make some more ornaments, but we've got time. We have to pace ourselves.

We hung up our little advent calendar (and I'm not fun because it doesn't even have candy!). Stockings are hung by the chimney with care. And we made a banner from our Christmas cards from last year and hung it up on our bare wall. I managed to pull off a chunk of paint while doing it, too. Go me! Ha.

The kids painted with "snowman paint" (glue and shaving cream and a ton of glitter) while I wrapped up presents.

I said I wasn't buying any presents this year, but that didn't quite work out, ha. It never does. I got enough to fill the babes stockings, as well a drum and banjo for the kids, and two Shel Siverstein books of poems. And I bought all the kiddos in our lives gifts, as well. But otherwise, it's Christmas cards for people. But I'm pretty impressed, because I hand wrote each address (and am still working on that!) and there's over like 100. So that's impressive, in my book anyway.

The kids each got to go shopping for one another today. I took H into the store first. Last year it took her about an hour to choose a toy for B. (We go to a local "green" toy store) But this year she was Speedy Gonzales. J hadn't even made it to the end of the block with B by the time we were done. She chose a set of Plan Toys blocks for him.

Then J and I switched kids and B and I went shopping for H. It took him a few minutes to understand that we were getting something for H, not him, but once he caught on, he was totally on board. Though he carried around the banjo the whole time, hence the kids now have a banjo under the Christmas tree.

Funnily, B picked out the exact same set of blocks for H that she'd picked out for him. Fortunately, they had five different sets, and when I asked him if he'd like to choose a different one, he eagerly did so.

I have so much more to say, but even more to do right now and sweet babies to cuddle and watch "Yes, Virginia" with.

A little update on the lead situation

We got our most recent lead evaluation results of the house back today.

I wish I could say that it told us there is a super obvious culprit for all of this. Or that something tested high that wasn’t all ready on our list of “suspects.”

But I can’t.

The window levers and door knobs that haven’t been painted over all tested high. They’re 125 years old, so not terribly surprising, and all ready suspects and on our “fix” list. So we shall immediately paint the window levers and either paint the door knobs or remove the doors altogether (we purchased doors to replace the bedrooms, just were waiting to do so as we re-did each room).

The vent covers all tested for minor lead. This was slightly surprising, but like the knobs and levers, also suspects due to age. J is taking the day off tomorrow to deal with these. He’ll remove them all, power wash them, and spray paint them. Voila!

The windows in the house that have yet to be redone (cleaned out, storm windows put on), tested for minor lead levels. We’ve been working on these for the past two years, but will take a precedent now and J will just have to take time off and do them come spring.

Paint in the mudroom that is chipping, as well as our back shed, both tested for a decent amount of lead. We all ready figured this even before B’s lead poisoning and naturally kept the kids from those. But J will power wash the mudroom and paint. We don’t want to put too much into it, but enough of course to be sure it’s safe, since that whole room will need to be redone in the next year or so. J is in the process of finding painters certified to deal with lead paint to come scrape the shed clean. We can paint it ourselves.

None of the trim in the house tested positive for lead, but he did suggest painting over the little dings and whatnot, which we’d planned to do anyway. We all ready purchased replacement trim for the whole house, but at least now we know it’s safe to just wait to replace the trim in each room as we go, no need to worry about it immediately.

We found B’s car seat model, year, and color online at healthystuff.org. It had been tested all ready. It’s full of lead (and other yucky toxins). My mother graciously offered to buy him a new seat, and after a lot of research and detective work I never thought I’d have to worry about over a car seat - something created to keep my children safe, not harm them - we decided on the Radian XTS. It’s lead free. And also scores awesomely low or altogether non-existent for the other nasty toxins found in many car seats (chlorine, bromine, etc.). And it’s awesome because it rear facing until 45lbs and keeps the babes in a 5 point harness until 80lbs (and then becomes the booster until 120lbs and 57"), and their safety is obviously important to me.

After a little bit of discussion, J and I decided to break into our emergency savings account and purchase the same seat for H. There really shouldn’t have been any discussion to it, but for a minute we got caught up with the numbers. But just because she isn’t having any ill-effects doesn’t mean she should have to sit in a toxic seat we deem unsuitable for her brother. When you know better, you do better. And well, we know better.

We’ll fix all these things of course, and pray that it was one of these, or something that we’ve all ready changed (stairs, stripped doors, toys, etc.) and it simply hadn’t taken effect when he was last tested.

The environmentalist commented on how “open and eager” I was to change and fix everything ASAP. I just kind of laughed, slightly confused, and told him, “It’s my baby. I’d do anything for him.”

To which he replied, “If more people had your attitude, there would be a lot of kids much better off.”

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t give me warm and fuzzies. Validation, even from strangers, is a nice feeling. Especially with how these past few weeks have been, but I’ll blog about that later.

Over all, we didn’t learn anything surprisingly new, but were able to plan a better (new) course of action. I'll be glad, to say the least, when this whole mess is over and I have a healthy baby again.

Car seats have lead. Who knew?

When I was pregnant with H, and those first few months after she was born, I was incredibly ignorant when it came to car seats.

I had no idea that car seats had different safety ratings. If you’d asked me how long she was supposed to be rear-facing, I wouldn’t have known, much less have guessed until 40 pounds. Chest clip…yes, I fell into the category of really stupid people who didn’t seem to understand the word “chest.” I cringe when I see some of those photos of the first few times she was in her bucket seat.

Needless to say, we didn’t buy an infant carrier based on safety ratings or any sort of research. We bought a gender neutral seat that was yellow and gray that I thought was cute and came as a travel system. If I could go back and re-do it, I’d have never even bought the stupid, worthless infant seat. But alas.

Fortunately, I wised up before it was time to purchase her convertible seat. Thanks to a bunch of wise women willing to share their wisdom with me, some in a very blunt manner, I learned about car seat safety ratings and the different things to look out for and be aware of.

After an immense amount of research I decided to purchase a Britax Boulevard for our little love. I was cheap and bought the ugly print that was on sale because no one wanted it. I didn’t care. It was just a seat and I was worried about its safety features anyway, not its aesthetic features.

We loved it so much, and H did too, so it went without question that we bought B the same seat (newer model) when it was his turn for a convertible car seat.

Like other things I hadn’t considered to be a suspect in my son’s lead poisoning, his car seat obviously didn’t make the list.

Until recently when a friend and I were flipping through a book full of children and infant product/toy recalls due to lead. I’m pretty sure nearly every page was Fisher-Price stuff. Until there, smack in the middle of a page, was a 2007 Britax car seat recall for lead.

The book was for recalls prior to 2009. This sparked me to do more research, as my children both sit in Britax seats. They are different years and models, so a potential difference for a possible lead exposure.

From the research I’ve done thus far, roughly 65% of car seats test excessively high for lead, chlorine, and bromine.

 

Lead.

The most recent studies are from 2011. Britax makes the list for high levels of lead exposure. Every. Single. Time.

I don’t know if B’s car seat has high lead. Or H’s for that matter. We’re working on the logistics of having them tested (and I’m trying not to mourn $600 in car seats before I know if they’re even an issue). But just the fact that they could be down right pisses me off.

Why are we not protecting our infants and children from this stuff in this country in this day and age? We know better! Why would we (by “we” I mean companies) even risk this? It doesn’t make sense, especially when we have the ability to prevent it.

It seems to be another facet in my life that I thought I was so careful about, so thoroughly researched. And it still wasn’t enough.

It’d be easy to say this should be a flashing neon light that I should just STOP. Stop researching, stop caring. Obviously it’s not preventing any of this.

And yet it only makes me want to dig deeper, go further.

I am well-researched and well-informed. But I also just never thought to suspect things that are supposed to insure my children’s safety to possibly bring them harm in other ways.

Gone are the glory days when kids rode on the floorboards and foods were naturally safe and no one had to question their child’s toys or mattresses and the great outdoors were the norm in every day childhood.

Alas.

Who knew 65% of car seats test above the safe levels for lead?

Not I. Not I.

Car seats have lead.

This is just getting ridiculous.

And the levels just go up

In some ways I guess I find it amusing.

In some aspects of my/my children's lives I'm so incredibly lax that it freaks people out. The word "complacent" has been used before by others. Though I wouldn't go that far.

Germs don't bother me. My kids eat food they've dropped on the ground, they roll in mud, they share sippy cups with their friends. Heck, they both were on airplanes by two weeks old.

I let them push their physical boundaries and rarely say "be careful." They stack chairs on top of their tables and stand on top of them. Of course, I'm cringing inside and want to quickly put them down on safe ground, but I always push my fears down and let them figure out what they are capable of and try my best not to limit them.

But then in other aspects I'm so far "safe" it also freaks people out. I'm so paranoid about pesticides and chemicals going in and on their little bodies.

Illnesses I cannot prevent terrify me.

On one hand, it isn't surprising my son has knocked himself unconscious or that I've rushed my daughter to the doctor for putting a tooth through her chin, amongst other things. Scary situation for sure, but also situations many children encounter whether they are kept "safe" or not. Kids are kids.

But on the other hand, I am surprised my son has lead poisoning. Because I'm so careful. And I'm even more surprised that his levels have gone up. A lot.

We've done so much to get rid of all things lead it seems nearly ridiculous. We purged all of their toys. We left the house for a week while J completely replaced our stair case. We took several of our doors and had them completely stripped of all paint. I even goodwilled our Christmas tree and lights, after the fact though, upon discovering they too carry lead.

So what's next?

I feel so defeated. I feel like I've tried so hard to give them freedom in every aspect, while also trying my best to keep their little bodies healthy the best I know how, and yet it's not been enough. Something hasn't worked. Somewhere I went wrong.

I'm trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself. Because this isn't about me. At all.

And yet I still can't help but feel I have failed that sweet boy yet again as his mother. It's my job to protect him and keep him healthy. And I can't seem to do that.

But my little girl spoke words of wisdom to me today, Her small hands cradling my face in the deli section of the grocery store, she said to me, "You're the best mommy in the world. It's all gonna be okay."

I hope she's right.

Okay, I know she's right.

To some extent.

I know I'm the best mom for them. And I know that it will all be okay, one way or another, things work out how they are supposed to.

But sweet damn, I don't feel like this should be happening to a baby boy. The idea of me having to take them to stay somewhere else for several weeks, maybe even months, until this has all been sorted and the house has been made safe, as well as everything in it, seems so unfair to those kids who love their papa so. It seems wrong to separate them.

And yet at the end of the day it might be our only option if we discover it is something in our home.

We've tested the big things, but now we get to test literally everything. Good times all around.

But a freshly bathed naked bird just came and crawled on my lap, so I'm off to love him up.

Because in the end, all I can really guarantee him is my love.

“Seriously, only your kid would get lead poisoning.”

My little sister stopped by today. One of the first things she said to me was, “Seriously, only your kid would get lead poisoning.”

She had me there. And she made me laugh. So like a million brownie points for her.

Of course she met it sarcastically. Jokingly. Satirically.

I’ve been so careful. So paranoid, if we are being honest, since these babes were in the womb. I wouldn’t even take a freaking Tylenol for crying out loud while I was pregnant with them because I was just so scared of what it could potentially do to them. I gave birth at home because I was terrified of the chemicals in pain killers.

I’ve researched what they eat until my fingers felt like they’d fall off and my eyeballs would fall right out of their sockets. I’ve just been so prudent with everything. Their food, their soaps (did you know there are chemicals in shampoo that are directly linked to the growing rate of poor eye vision in children??? I didn’t either for a while), the detergent I wash their clothes in, the soap that cleans our dishes. Even the dishes they eat off of.

Everything I’ve researched and investigated. I’ve questioned and then questioned again. Maybe to the point where you could say it’s almost a sickness. I’ve been terrified of chemicals and toxins that could potentially harm my kids. And I’ve looked everywhere for them.

Except that I didn’t. I never thought to.

Toxins in their toys just never even crossed my mind. I realize how incredibly stupid that is now. How could I question pretty much everything else, and yet forget to question their toys?

But I did. And it turns out it was the one thing that was poisoning my kids.

The one thing I didn’t research.

Go figure.

Our house has been tested. The lead people don’t think it’s the source of B’s lead poisoning. There are small amounts of lead in the trim work, the windows, the doors, and the stairs. But they said not enough to raise eyebrows or to make them think it’s what’s causing the lead poisoning, though.

But J is going to replace it all anyway. He said he’d rather be safe than sorry.

We are just figuring out the logistics right now. Time off work. Where the kids and I will go (because we can’t stay in the house while he’s doing all that). We have to find the balance between what is best for the kids and what will keep my sanity. So we’ll see.

We’re having our water tested still. Even though the lady I spoke to told me that she’d put money on it not being out water since we have all new pipes (replaced 3.5 years ago). She said that the lead poisoning would come from old pipes – not be in the water itself. We don’t have old pipes.

Nonetheless, we’re testing anyway.

The kids’ playmats are gone. Pretty much all their plastic toys. It’s hard. Like super hard. Obviously I cannot eliminate everything. H still has her two favorite baby dolls. I can’t take those away from her. And her flashlight.

I let B keep his favorite animal figurines – but really just until I can replace them with appropriate replacements.

I ordered B a wooden, non-toxic ride-on toy, because he will be devastated to see the Dora car go. I’ll employ Christmas to get H a new kitchen, once I figure out what is actually safe.

It infuriates me that I even have to think this way. What is safe? I mean, seriously, everything, made for our children should be safe. There should be no researching needed. Not to mention that everything I’ve found as a safe alternative seems to cost significantly more. But I guess you can’t really put a price on your child’s health. And when his health is directly linked to his toys, well…

I guess now I have to find an appropriate cup replacement. Damn. I ordered some safe, USA-made dishes for them. But I don’t know what to do about Sippy’s. We have two stainless steel ones, but I’m not in love with them. I’m in love with their spill-proof plastic ones. But they are made in China and colored and thus I assume that they are as safe as their toys…fantastic.

But really, I need to be more positive with this whole experience. I’ve basically just been so angry since I found this all out. So, so incredibly angry. Because I have no control. And I really, really suck not being in control. Of pretty much everything.

But my baby is going to be okay. It might take a little while, it might take a lot of re-doing the house, and getting rid of toys, and buying knew toys, and simply adjusting our lives, and that all cost more money, but it could be worse. It can always be worse. Money is just money. And there is no price that could every be put on one of my babies.

And lead poisoning can be bad. Like, really, really bad. But we caught B’s early, because something whispered in my ear and told me to test him. So we are so incredibly fortunate.

There is nothing in the world scarier than finding out your babe is sick. And having no control.

But God is good and we are blessed and at the end of the day everything will just be fine. I just have to remind myself that.

Like every second.

We’ll get there.

B has lead poisoning

I was going to write this yesterday, but I was mostly still in freak out mode and mulling it over in my brain.

B has lead poisoning. Like, badly.

Although his levels are ridiculously high, he doesn't seem to have any of the common symptoms, which is good. He seems totally unaffected. And since Miss H's lead levels were completely normal, I'm hoping that this is either just a weird event that will pass, or that Miss H also had lead poisoning as a baby and her body naturally detoxed it, since this is the first time I ever had them checked.

Simply having him tested was one of the most emotionally horrific events of my life. J was originally supposed to be there. Even the receptionist commented on his absence, because as she said, "Dad ALWAYS comes to the appointments. Where is he????" Well, he had to go on travel last minute. So I got to do it solo. Which is fine. I do things solo all the time. But I didn't realize how emotionally devastating it would be for me.

They did little pinpricks on both babes. Neither of them even batted a lash. B ran around like a bleeding maniac when the little pinprick wouldn't stop bleeding though and he wouldn't keep a band-aid on or let me hold it. I'm sure that they brought a HazMat team in to sterilize that room!

But when B's levels came back high, they said they had to take blood intraveneously. Devastating. For him. For me. For both of us. The nurse asked if I wanted to stay in the room, or if I needed to leave. I thought she was joking. Who the fuck leaves their kid when something like that is going to happen? I don't care if it rips you to pieces emotionally. If you are not tough enough to stay with your child, regardless of their age, when something traumatic and/or painful is about to occur, then you shouldn't have had kids. And yes, that's cold. But I could never imagine walking away from my all ready scared baby just so I didn't have to watch him be in pain. That's wrong.

It took four nurses to hold him down while they took viles of blood from his pudgy baby arm. Tears streamed down his face and he just kept screaming "Momma!" until he was hoarse. It took everything in me not to cry, too. But with his sobbing and in pain, little H worried about her brother, someone had to be the grown up. And it had to be me.

Of course, during this time, when I possessed zero control to do anything legit for him, other than to sing and talk and rub his cheek and tell him how much I loved him, I started judging and berating people in my head. Because that's what I do when I'm powerless. When something is wrong with my babe and I can't do anything to help. I take out my anger and frustration on helpless people who don't even know what I'm thinking.

I started judging the world. I berated every single parent who has ever allowed their child to be in extreme pain - physically or emotionally - for a reason that is not truly medically necessary. I started judging what kind of parent could think it was okay to let their child experience such pain for any reason that wasn't serious.

Then I started judging myself. What had I done that allowed my son to have high levels of lead? What kind of parent doesn't notice this kind of stuff? How could my child be so sick, so poisoned, and I not even really notice it???

When they were finally done I held him and rocked him and told him how much I loved him. He was sweaty and pink from screaming so hard. But three minutes later her was running around and playing with his sister. So I know it was awful for him at the time. Extremely. But I'm the one with the lasting emotional impact, I think.

So they sent me home with a few papers talking about lead and its sources, telling me that his levels were so high they were sending it to the hospital for further analysis and would get back with me in a few days.

In a few days seems like a lifetime.

I fully understand the lead source is probably coming from our house. The windowsills. Stairs. Lead dust on the walls. So I cleaned like a maniac. I dusted and vaccuumed and washed walls and trim and floors. And then I read that there can be high levels of lead in plastic toys and plates, etc. So I threw them all away.

J said I was probably being a bit overzealous. I told him he didn't have to stand and help hold down his screaming baby. There is no such thing as overzealous when my child is sick.

So today I'm on a mission to get him some chorella and garlic. Maybe some citrus pectin if I can find it, and help his body gently detox. And then I just have to wait. Wait for the hospital to call. Wait for J to return from travel and lead test our house.

Wait for my baby to no longer be poisoned.

And I will probably have to wait a long time to be able to forgive myself for not preventing this from happening in the first place. Because that's my job. I'm his mom.