The end of a breastfeeding relationship

If breastfeeding or pictures of it bother you, move along. You won't want to read this. :-)



H and B are weaned.

Officially.

Done.

All gone.

No more milk. (Okay, it's still technically there, but it's drying up slowly but surely).

They weaned in December. Sometime right before Christmas.

But it's taken me this long to write about it.

It was a lot easier for them to wean than I anticipated. A complete breeze for them.

I was an utter hormonal mess.

H self-weaned. I knew it was coming. It has been a slow self-weaning process for her since last April. That was when she suddenly significantly reduced her nursing to not even 1x a day every day. She'd go days in between without asking. I knew it was coming.

But it always seemed that just when I thought, "Oh, maybe she's done," she'd ask to breastfeed again. But then by October when she was asking, she was literally breastfeeding for less than five seconds at a time. I knew those moments were fleeting. That she was nearly done.

And then it just puckered out. By the time Christmas Day rolled around I'd realized that she hadn't asked since the very beginning of December. She was done.

And so was B at that point.

I made the conscious decision to cut down breastfeeding sessions with B after his second birthday. I needed it. For my sanity. He was nursing 6-8x a day, sometimes for over an hour.

So first I lessened the length of time. Then how many times he could nurse.

It was hard. I felt so mean. He'd cry and I'd hold him and offer him anything under the sun except for the one thing he wanted, and then I'd want to cry with him, because I knew I could stop the tears if I just nursed him, but I just didn't want to. I mean, I did. I wasn't trying to wean him at that point. I just wanted the breastfeeding to happen less.

And once it started, I'd put the ball in motion and he weaned right along with his sister. It was done and over with before I'd realized what had happened.

Truthfully, I was ready to be done. So ready to be done.

But then again, I wasn't. Not even remotely. I totally could have been that mom still breastfeeding her 6 year old. I wouldn't have cared. Because I wanted it to be on his terms. So I feel a bit bad that I kind of forced it along instead of letting him self-wean like his sister. I'm sorry his sister got nearly 4 years of awesome momma milk and he only got 2 years and 4 months. Not like I counted or anything.

So long as he wasn't, you know, nursing 6-8x a day we'd have been good.

But B is kind of an all or nothing kind of guy.

So now it's nothing.

But I'm glad we're done. I'm fantasizing about buying a REAL bra. I bought a few spring/summer dresses (because it will get warm again some day, right!?) without thinking about being able to nurse in them (although my subconscious clearly was, because they're all totally compatible. Alas!).

I'm glad I don't have enough milk to let down when I hear another baby cry (for real, that happened all the freaking time).

I'm glad that I had the ability to nourish and sustain two healthy, strong babies. That I could tandem nurse them. That I could breastfeed H while pregnant with B. That I had an overabundance of milk and their tummies were always full.w


I'm grateful that I was able to connect with my children in this way. That we were able to share so many beautiful moments together.

I'm grateful that weaning wasn't traumatizing for them.

I didn't know what to expect when they weaned. My hormones were a mess. I'd be chopping vegetables and I'd burst into tears. And not because I was sad they had weaned. Just because I suddenly felt compelled to cry.

I cried in the supermarket once when reading a box of cereal.

I'd watch something on TV and something ridiculous like a lion hunting a zebra would bring on the waterworks.

It was a tumultuous few weeks. I'm glad those hormones have figured themselves out.

I believe in breastfeeding. I believe it is the best thing for all babes.

Although I'd encourage anyone to breastfeed to a minimum of 2 years, I'd mostly encourage everyone to do it for a day. A week. A month. As long as you feel you possibly can. Because every drop is awesomeness for your babe.

But this relationship with my children is now over. It was beautiful and fantastic. And some days made me want to pull my hair out. But I'm glad I was able to do it for them.

And on a closing note, here are some booby pictures. ;-) It's certainly been a good run!

Newborn Miss H. Look at that nose! I just love it.

 Taking a break from the beach and sun.

 

The day B was born. Fist tandem nursing.

Newborn Mr. B

 

B needs in on this milk on the beach thing, too!

 

 

 

I'm so glad to have this picture that one of my dear friends took for me. 

My heart is full.

 

 

P.S. Sorry if this is all discombobulated. My emotions and thoughts are kind of all over the place on this still. 

Who knew weaning/a sudden decrease in breastfeeding was like the baby blues all over again?

The past 2.5 weeks I've been off. Completely out of whack. I could notice it a bit, but just assumed it was typical sleep deprivation. (So any/all terrible things I've said to anyone or the general populace, please do forgive me!)

Until I vented a whole slew of things to a good friend a few days and was able to go back and re-read my thoughts and I was just like, "Whoa, Ki! That's not normal. That goes a bit above and beyond sleep deprivation and a really rough day in mommyhood."

So I had to go back and figure out what could cause me to be so freaking out of whack. And it didn't take me very long to do it.

Breastfeeding.

I've heard of people getting feelings similar to the "baby blues" when their children wean. Much like the "baby blues" not everyone experiences it, but it's super common and completely normal. No one really talks about it, but I'd vaguely heard it in passing.

The kids are weaned!? you ask.

Hahhahahahahaha!

No.

BUT.

Starting roughly 2.5 weeks ago they drastically cut down on how often they're nursing. B went from easily nursing 10-12 times a day to about 5-6. H went from 5-6 to 0-3. So whereas that's still a lot of time on the boob, it's a huge difference.

Especially when breastfeeding is a hormonal thing.

Each time you breastfeed your body releases a hormone called oxytocin. It's a "happy" hormone. A euphoric, feel-good hormone. You also get this hormone from snuggling, cuddling, sex, etc. But it's pretty strong during breastfeeding.

Well, my daily oxytocin dose just got cut pretty severely.

So it makes sense.

I just wish people talked about this stuff more. No one has ever really talked about how they felt physically/mentally/emotionally when their children weaned. So it's kind of like uncharted territory.

My babes aren't weaning. At least B isn't. H, maybe. We'll see. I certainly wouldn't be sad about it. We've had a good 3-year run thus far.

Anyway, this is for anyone who has weaned or even had a sudden decrease in nursing sessions who suddenly felt like they were going through some terrible baby blues all over again. It's normal. And you're amazing. Just ride it out. Eat yummy, healthy foods. Exercise. And find a good friend you can vent terrible things to who won't judge you (too much!).

Letting children eat when, what, and how much they want.

I was asked recently by a fellow momma about food.

You know, all those food worries most mom's have. How do I know he's eating enough? What if he doesn't like what I cook for dinner - should I cook separate meals? Etc. Etc.

Since I'm a foodie anyway, I figured I'd address that on here. I know I've touched on it here and there, but never actually written a whole post just dedicated to food and infants/toddlers/kids.

Let me begin this by stating that I know nothing about formula-feeding or bottle-feeding. So I simply cannot speak about those as I have zero knowledge.

I know a whole lot about breastfeeding though. And obviously, it's as brand new babes that many mommas start fretting about if their kiddos are eating enough.

Call me dumb, but I never worried about that with either of my babes. To be honest, I didn't know it was something that people worried about. I just figured my body knew how to make milk for these two kids, it would. It never crossed my mind to worry if it was "enough" or not.

And I realize now, it was for good reason that I did not worry.

Your body is making enough!

Only in the most rare of cases is your body truly not making enough milk for your babe. Do not base your milk production on how much you can pump. It means nothing. Your baby is more effective, and your body responds to your baby and makes milk while he's latched. It does not respond to a pump. And that's because although milk production is obviously a physical thing, it is also a hugely emotional and psychological thing as well.

And all baby's are different. My first easily nursed every two hours, if not more often, and for a minimum of 25 minutes, though 45+ minutes was the norm. For real. It was exhausting and tiresome and sweet and beautiful. I'm thankful she was first, because I couldn't really do anything but nurse her all day for quite awhile. But that's okay. Her needs were met.

My second, however, was a completely different story. He easily went 3-5 hours between nursing and rarely nursed for more than 15 minutes at a time. Now as a toddler it's a different story, but as an infant, it was easy peasy.

Breastfeeding was easy. I knew my children would notify me when hungry, and they'd let me know when they were full. I never once questioned as to whether they were getting enough or getting too much. Breastfeeding on demand is the norm, it's what mother nature says to do, and you simply go along with your baby's needs.

And then there was solid food. Oh, the solid foods! We didn't start solids until around the 6 month mark per the APA's recommendation. Baby's gut is not ready to handle food properly before then. We chose to do baby lead solids as "food before one is just for fun" and I'd read a lot of research showing that babies who eat only the foods they put into their mouths, regardless as to size or texture, were significantly less likely to choke as opposed to infants fed purees. Now, I'm not saying no one should feed their infant purees. It's a completely legit option. I just had/have a lot of paranoia about choking. But realizing my children were less likely to choke if they self-fed made me feel better.

And with baby lead solids the prep is easy. You feed them whatever you're eating. Chicken and green beans? I'd cut up the chicken into strips so they'd be easy to hold, give them some whole green beans, and voila! That was it. Super easy. If they actually swallowed anything, great. But totally not necessary. At this point it was all about experimenting with flavors and textures because babies need no other source of nutrition before age one other than breast milk or formula.

Then of course, there is that "magic age" when suddenly you realize your baby is consuming less breast milk or formula and start to freak that frak out because little Jimmy is only eating a piece of toast and half of a yogurt cup and surely he's going to starve to death.

Well, he's not.

I don't agree with force feeding children. At all. Or coercing them to eat x amount. Or telling them they can't get up or can't do y until x is eaten.

And for good reason.

There are only a million and two studies out there that show that children who are "forced/coerced/sweet talked/whatever" into eating more than they want to during meals/snacks are being taught that they do not know how to regulate their own eating habits. They are being told, often from a very young age, that although their body says that they are not hungry (or that they are) they are wrong and should not listen to their body because Mom or Grandma or whoever knows their body better than themselves. And, well, we all know that's bull. No one knows someones body better than the owner of said body. But by coercing children to "take just one more bite" you are telling your child that they don't know when they are hungry or not. And research says that these people are the ones who tend to overeat in life and stress/emotional eat. And no one wants that for their kid!

And to make it even more daunting, kids who are coerced into eating more than they'd like are at a much higher risk of suffering from heart disease, type II diabetes, and obesity.

And to think, once upon a time "the Clean Plate Club" was something we thought was a good thing.

So what do you do if little Jimmy just doesn't want to eat and you're worried he's not eating enough?

Stop worrying!

I know, I know. Easier said than done. I go in spurts where I worry about my bird eaters, and I know better. But that's just natural, I think. One week they will seem absolutely insatiable. They next week it's a miracle if they take more than three bites in one day. But I trusted them to know when they were hungry and when they were full as infants, why would that suddenly change now? That makes no logical sense.

I offer them three full meals a day. And snacks. Pretty much all day long. If they eat, they eat. If they don't, they don't. We don't make a big deal about it. They know there is always food available to them.

Most people tend to be grazers by nature, as are most children. It's hard to expect them to eat three solid meals a day when that might not really be how I myself eat.

I'll have a smoothie for breakfast. An hour or two later I might eat an egg or some fruit. Two hours later maybe some chicken. Two hours later perhaps some veggies and fruit. And maybe some meat and veggies come dinner time. None of that, other than dinner, is usually a "real meal." But I also eat All. The. Time. And my kids eat similarly.

I do not believe in making more than one meal, and yet at the same time I do believe in allowing children to eat what they want, when they want.

Since the only meal I consider a real meal around here is primarily dinner, I only "make" one meal. For breakfast it's not as big of a deal. I might have a smoothie while B has an egg and H eats cereal. No big. I'll make them up plates for lunch, and they'll typically graze from them for hours, not actually sit down and eat it all at once. And then dinner.

We'll take dinner last night. I made smothered pork chops, brussel sprouts, and almond bread. H only ate brussel sprouts and almond bread. B only ate pork chops and almond bread. Cool. Their choice. They were fed, happy, ate what they wanted and moved on when they were done. No arguments or battles or "one more bites." They had what I made, and still got to choose what to eat. And I didn't worry about the quantity.

Food is one area where it is all quality over quantity. I mean, if my kids were eating heaps of brownies and granola bars and pop tarts and canned fruit in corn syrup and gummies...yeah, I'd be worried. Sure, the quantity might be great enough where someone wouldn't worry too much because it's "enough" but it's not the fuel the body needs. But if all they eat is a handful of blueberries, a few bites of chicken, a few carrot sticks and a banana all day, I'd be totally okay with that even though the quantity is small. Because it's the kind of nutrition the body needs.

So the key to allowing your children to choose what they eat is by providing healthy options. If there aren't Twinkies and snickers and Oreos around to choose from, then they can never be options.

And the awesome thing is, when kids are allowed to choose their own foods, and have a healthy food foundation, they tend to choose healthy foods. We can make cookies, and my babes will happily eat two or three, but then they're done. Ready for raspberries. They like sweets, but since they're not a completely rare occurrence, nor are they the every day norm, they don't feel the need to gorge on them nor do they believe they are an every day food. But in full disclosure, though I've never tried it before, they probably could eat an entire bag of Oreos if given the opportunity (they just like the creme center, not the whole cookie).

So yes, food and infants/toddler/children can be daunting. I mean, here is this whole person that you are responsible for. You don't want them to starve on your watch! So I understand the trepidation.

Just remember that they won't. No infant or child will allow themselves to starve. And if given the option, they won't over eat either. They will eat when they are hungry, what they're hungry for, and how much they are hungry for. Just trust them!

Night weaning will never happen

I swear it was just two days ago that I was all, "Oh, I'm night weaning B and he's doing great!" And by "great" I meant he'd given up nursing for the first 3-4 hours of the night. Which for us is like a tremendous "improvement." And he'd given that up without so much as a fuss.

The rest of it.

Nope.

He's still attached all. night. long. The alternative is he cries all. night. long.

And I'm just not okay with that.

I keep telling myself he'll night wean before he's like 10. Right?

Surely.

I can do just about anything if I know there is an end in sight.

Even if that end is not for another 5 years. (No, I have zero intentions of nursing a 6 year old. To each their own, it's just not for me. Then again, I had zero intentions of nursing an almost 3 year old, so I should probably shut my mouth).

I just keep reminding myself that for one reason or another, emotionally, physically, who knows, he needs this right now. I know this because he goes in spurts. He's not been this attached at night in a long time. We went from waking 1-2 times a night to attached all night to waking 1-2 and then to attached and so on.

But during the phases where it is all night long, I seem to start losing my clarity. And sanity.

And I must keep my sanity. Especially now that I pulled the lovely Miss H out of preschool (flaky mom of the year award right here!).

Alas, just like the the Little Engine that Could, I will repeat a mantra over and over until it happens. And my mantra shall be, "I know he will eventually. I know he will eventually."

And the world can laugh at me when eventually turns to never.

Milk = Love around here

It’s no secret that I’ve been a bit burnt out on breastfeeding these past few weeks. It’s gotten to the point that I’ve been telling Miss H that my boobs hurt, so she cannot nurse for too long. This isn’t a lie, they really do hurt. She has a shotty toddler latch to say the least. 

But it seems she realized that I just needed some kind of upper to keep on trekking through this, and to do it happily, and not begrudgingly.

This evening at dinner, she sat in J’s seat since he’s gone, and put one of her stuffed puppies into her booster seat. Then she said to me, “Momma, my boobies hurt!” and grabbed her chest (because we may or may not have been eating in our underwear…) in case I didn’t fully grasp what she was saying.

“Why do your boobies hurt?” I asked.

“Because I’ve been nursing the puppy. All. Day. Long.” She uses her hands like a baby Italian.

Before this conversation went any further and it all got more clear, I all ready “got” it.

"Well, why do you nurse the puppy if it hurts your boobies?” (You’re loving that we say boobies around here, aren’t you?)

“Because I love him so much.”

I may have wanted to cry at this point. Instead, I was quiet while I gave baby B some more food on his tray before saying, “You know I love you, right?”

She nodded happily. “Yep. So much! That’s why I nurse your boobies!”

I nodded.

Without a doubt, ever toddler knows their momma loves them, whether or not they “nurse boobies”. But she reminded me of why I nurse my toddler. And I will keep on nursing her, hopefully with a better attitude now.

Because I love her.

So much.

There may very well be such a thing as too much (breastfeeding) support. Who knew?

We were in the car today and I said to J, "Some days Miss H drives me insane with breastfeeding. Today is one of them."

"Okay," he replied.

"If it didn't go against everything I feel is right, I'd wean her."

"But she's not ready to wean," he said back.

"I know. She doesn't let me forget." And she doesn’t. That girl asks to nurse every thirty seconds it seems. And if I ask her to stop nursing before she is done, it’s an epic meltdown. If I ask her if she wants a glass of milk, or chocolate milk, or even a freaking cookie she wails, “No! Milk from Mommy’s boobies!” So yeah…there is no such thing as distraction or substitution with this girl.

"Well, you can't wean her if she isn't ready," he told me, like some how this logic works for everyone. I mean, apparently he hasn't met most of America. But I digress...

"What if I'm ready?" Some days I really do feel like I am. Some days all the whining and sucking makes me resent her a little bit. I want to love on her and cuddle her, but not always with one of my boobs in her mouth.

Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I don’t feel that way. For the majority of the time I love breastfeeding her. I love that I am her comfort and security. That my milk can make anything under the sun better for her. I do like that. But then sometimes. Well, sometimes I’m just tired. And I wonder how other people do this.

"You can't be. She isn't ready. And you're the one who wants her to self wean. It's what is best for her." I love J. I really do. But why must he take everything I tell him to heart? Before we had H and we first discussed breastfeeding he was pro-boob because it was a helluva lot cheaper. Then I made him do his own research because I think it’s important we be on the same page due to our own findings, not because one of us has told them other xyz. After all his research he was all “I think you should breastfeed until at least 2. But I think maybe until the baby chooses to be done is better.” So then I did more research and was like, “Yeah! You’re right! Great idea!” And got completely on that bandwagon. But since I’m the one actually doing it, my feelings waiver occasionally. J’s do not.

"I know," I admitted a bit exasperated.  “But she is so demanding. And my nipples hurt. All. The. Time. Baby B nurses all night long (yeah, that night weaning shiznik back in May lasted a whopping week. Go figure…). I’m tired. I’m over it.”

“You’re tired. You’re not over it. You’ve still got at least another year of breastfeeding. Probably longer knowing our kids. You didn’t sleep last night. This morning has been rough. You’ll be fine tomorrow.”

I nodded. I sighed. “Probably,” I admitted. “Maybe we should just let baby B cry it out tonight. See how things go? Maybe I can get some more sleep.”

“Now you’re just screwing with me,” J said.

I laughed. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

All right, Miss H, let's talk about nursing

A lot of people think that once a baby/child can "ask for it" they shouldn't be allowed to nurse anymore. They'd be really appalled to meet my daughter. Not only can she "ask for it" but we often have conversations while she nurses (yeah, yeah, totally defeats teaching her not to talk with her mouth full).

Well, today while she was nursing I asked her why she likes to nurse. Her immediate response was, "I love Bucky!" (My little sister...)

I laughed at this and told her, "Bucky has nothing to do with you nursing."

She had that big grin on her face and said, "Mouses nurse, too!"

"Mice might nurse," I told her (they do, right?). "But why do you like to nurse?"

"Because...because..." she said in between milk, "It's yummy!"

Okay, I thought, fair enough. And decided to let it go. A few moments later she said, "Baby's nurse. Evelyn (her friend) nurses!"

I shook my head. "No, Evelyn doesn't nurse anymore. She's all done. Do you want to be all done?"

"Well, L and baby Lana nurse!" she declared, ignoring my question altogether.

"Yes, they do. They're both babies. Are you still a baby?"

"No, I'm a big girl," she quickly informed me.

"So you want to stop nursing then?" I asked. I'm not trying to wean her, just was going along with her train of thought.

"No!" she said emphatically. "I'm your baby!"

And she's right. She is. Who can argue with that? So I just smiled and cuddled her.

And a few minutes later she looked up at me and said, "Thank you."

It's tough, but totally worth it

Most people don't "get" breastfeeding a toddler. It's cool, I get it. Anything outside of our own norm makes us pause.

I wasn't breastfed as a toddler. Before I had kids, I didn't have friends who had breastfed toddlers. So it's not like I had anyone advocating to me to do it. Or to even think about doing it.

And yet I am. And it's challenging. And some days it really sucks. But to be honest, what sucks most about it the majority of the time is to have no one to talk to about it who actually gets it. Okay, to talk to about it at all. Nearly everyone I know, rather they chose to bottle-feed for breast feed, just do not support extended breastfeeding. And that's hard. Because that means they don't support me. And while I certainly don't do anything because people are supporting me, it's nice to know sometimes that there is support when you need it.

People I actually know have made fun of children who extend breastfeed. Yes, adults making fun of children.  Terribly disgusting. I've heard people refer to extended breastfeeding as sexual abuse or psychologically harmful. Both of which are absolutely ridiculous.

A lot of people even think the only reason someone breastfeeds past a year is for attention. Really?

There are a LOT of reasons to breastfeed past one year, but I'm pretty sure that all extended breastfeeders wouldn't miss a beat in agreeing that "showing off" certainly is not one of them.

Breastfeeding a toddler can be challenging. I've certainly had days (if not weeks) when I've struggled to keep myself from just screaming "That's it, you're done!" I just keep reminding myself that there are lots of reasons to keep going, and they outweigh the reasons to forcibly wean Miss H.

Just to list a few ....

1.) When Miss H is sick, I cherish being able to soothe her so easily while simultaneously providing her with immune boosting antibodies.

2.) I have always been comfortable nursing in publicand continue to do so. I love that I have a secret weapon to whip out in public situations that might require a non-nursing Mom to rush her cranky toddler out of sight.

3.) I love having an excuse to snuggle with my busy girl, and put my feet up. For a few minutes anyway, it's just her and I in a bubble of love and nothing else can bother us.

4.) I really feel that nursing her at this age is teaching her to be gentle with others. It also teaches her patience "Wait util Mommy finshes this, love." It teaches her to be aware of other people's feelings.

5.) While I realize she doesn't need breast milk, knowing that she gets it eases my worries about nutrition. So if the only thing she eats all day is a can of tuna (true story!), I know she's just fine.

 7.) Most of all, I love that she loves it. More than anything else in this world, I want my children to be happy and (for me at least) breastfeeding is an easy way to accomplish that.

So some days it's tough for me, but at the end of the day it's always worth it. And since I'm not one who generally gives a flying frak as to what others think, I won't be cutting her off any time soon. (Though some days I think she may not be too far off from stopping on her own..)

To wean or not to wean

That is the question.

I feel pretty strongly about child-lead weaning, for me, personally. I completely understand that it's not for everyone, and that's a-okay!

But that sure doesn't mean that I don't have days where I fantasize about Miss H weaning. A lot.

I love breastfeeding her, just as I love breastfeeding baby B. I love how sweet they look, how perfectly they fit in my arms. How they get this sense of calm and relaxation about them that only comes when they're at the breast. I love the way it connects us. The way it comforts and makes my children feel secure. I honestly just think breastfeeding is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. Lynch me if you wish.

That being said, and as strongly as I feel about child-lead weaning, I've definitely imposed some mommy-lead weaning on Miss H. Although I don't tell her "no", I do offer her other things first. When she does breastfeed, I always put a time limit on it, and she's pretty good with that.

If she weaned tomorrow, I'd be more than 100% okay with that. Though I certainly wouldn't force her. I realize that it gives her comfort. I realize that when we've had a tough day, or she's feeling like she hasn't gotten enough attention, it's the best way to make her feel connected and loved. I get that.

She is night weaned though. That was completely mommy-lead. I have a lot of negative feelings associated with that. I have a lot of excuses for why I did it too, but at the end of the day no one held a gun to my head and forced me to do it, so I have no one to blame but myself. It's done. It is what it is, I suppose.

But because I felt so badly about this decision, I swore I'd let baby B 100% self-wean, both daytime and nighttime. And I felt very strongly about this.

That is until about a month ago. Then I said no way, this is ridiculous, and chose this very evening as the night we start night-weaning. I don't mind nursing him at night. What drives me insane is that he can't sleep more than 30 minutes without a boob in his mouth. It doesn't matter if it's for nap or at night, in bed or in my arms.

Maybe this makes me extremely selfish. I don't really want to have to hold him or lay down beside him for 12+ hours a day while he sleeps. I get. I'm a bad mom because I want to put my own needs before his. Mostly, I'm okay with this. Or at least I'd like to say that I am. But I do feel badly that I cannot live up to my own beliefs and expectations. At least not happily. And I feel badly admitting that sometimes breastfeeding my child 24/7 makes me unhappy. Not all the time. Not even most of the time. But definitely some of the time.

So we've been building up to this day, mentally and emotionally preparing for it. It's not something I can do alone, that's for sure! And then three days ago J told me he was having second thoughts. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. What if baby B doesn't get enough food if we cut night feedings? How can we put his health at risk like that? What if he just screams inconsolably? How is that any different than cry-it-out, which he feels even more strongly against than I do?

Really, he just voiced all of my concerns. And made me start doubting things, too.

This is definitely one of those times where I wish I had a good non-judgemental friend who I could vent this too, and then s/he could give me a 3rd party outsider view. Someone who can tell me that my child will not be scarred for life if I night wean him (I'm not fully convinced Miss H's scary, awful night talking/screaming/crying is not somehow related to forcible night-weaning...).

I have a lot of expectations for myself as a momma. I think it's just natural, as other people always had very high expectations for me throughout my life. I naturally imposed them on myself. Sometimes I just wonder if I expect too much from myself. Then, of course, I immediately think of all the people I know who give even more of themselves to their children than I do, and then it seems crazy to think my own expectations are too high, you know?

So yeah...we are like four hours from Project Night Wean Baby B and I still can't decide if it's a go...