One of my greatest (parenting) pet peeves is when people use the excuse "Well, it happened to me and I turned out just fine" in order to justify a choice or action they make. As in, "I was spanked and turned out okay, so it's okay to spank my kid" or "I (my spouse) was circumcised and turned out fine, so it's okay to do to my kid."
Really? Really!?
So how is it that as parents we can justify doing things that we know is not in our children's best interest, even things where there is scientific proof that shows they are damaging to our kids, and then try to justify it with the old adage that it was done to us and we're okay.
I don't know about you, but I want more than "okay" for my kids. I want them to be frakking great! But maybe that's just me. Maybe I've a few loose screws because I want my kids to grow up listening to me because they respect me, not because they are afraid I'll hit them. I want them to grow up with their whole bodies, with the ability to make their own choices if they want to alter them (and yes, I pierced my daughter's ears, and yes, I deeply regret it, and yes, I know it is was wrong of me).
The more I learn. the better I do for my kids. I'm not perfect. I would never pretend to be. There was a time in my life when spanking a child would not have been something I would have thought twice about. I mean, everyone does it, right? For the most part, we all turn out just fine. But there is just too much proof out there to show how damaging it is to kids. Sorry, but just because it happened to me and I turned out okay, does not mean I'm okay with it happening to my kids.
And it's not just spanking, or circumcision, or whatever. It's the entire attitude that many people have. Like why bother even trying for their kids, when they can half-ass it all and the likelihood is that they'll still end up with kids who go to the same college as the kids whose parents gave it their all, and their kids will likely have a job that pays enough to feed them. And what else even matters, right?
Yeah, it drives me insane. No, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes all the time with my kids. I've actually screamed at them before, and I certainly know that is wrong. But I only did it once, and the look on their faces was enough to make me physically bite my tongue and take a breath when things got to the point that I wanted to scream ever again.
No one taught me how to control my anger. Or how to deal with my emotions in general, so it's something I constantly have to check myself with. I'm ever so careful as to make sure my children always know that it's okay to express their emotions, and I help them find appropriate ways to do so when needed. Sure, I turned out okay not knowing how to express how I feel, but I want better than that for my kids.
At the end of the day, I turned out pretty a-okay. I love my parents, I recieved a double-major college diploma where I attended on full scholarship, I have a fantastic husband and two phenomenal children. What could be better? But you better believe that I will never defend the choices that others made for me when I was too young or the actions that others took, simply because I turned out well. Maybe no real ill-harm came from me being spanked or yelled at or fed hormone-filled milk and meat (though puberty at 10 may disagree on that one...), but I do know better now, so you bet your arse I'll do better for my kids.
And the times that I screw up, because I will, I know I will. I am only human after all, I will apologize to my children, because I am big enough of a person to admit when I am wrong.
And I don't want my kids to turn out okay. I want them to turn out bloody fantastic.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
There is always a reason
Many people tend to get very defensive. And oftentimes I feel it is very misplaced.
For instance, when a good momma friend of mine, who I met after the birth of Miss H, first learned that I'd given birth at home, her immediate reaction was "Oh, so you hate doctors and all Western medicine, huh?" Seriously, all I could think was WTF? I could not wrap my brain around how she would even infer that. It wasn't until much later, and after I had gotten to know her better, that I realized her husband being a doctor made her automatically feel defensive. Okay, I get that. But there really was no need.
I have come to the conclusion that most people make their parenting choices based on their own childhoods. Those who felt happy, safe, and secure throughout their childhoods tend to replicate them with their children. This doesn't mean they do everything the exact same, of course they don't. We all have our own "style." But something as simple as leaving your child in order to go out with your spouse just doesn't seem like a big deal, because it wasn't a big deal for you as a child.
Then there are some of us who, although we had parents who loved us, did not generally feel safe and secure as children, or even happy, and so we try to do everything different.
I can vividly remember being left frequently as a small child with one of my ex-stepfathers parents. His mother was not kind to me. Oftentimes I would spend what felt like hours outside crying, begging God to let my mom come back and get me. I even broke my elbow at these people's house and they didn't call my mother. For several, several hours I waited, being physically ill several times from the pain, until my mother came for me late at night. It is because of these memories I have extreme anxiety when it comes to leaving my own children.
I don't think leaving your children is bad or wrong. Not for a second. I wish I was one of those people who could. But anytime I do, even if it is just for an hour, I think of that small little Ki, crying all by herself for her momma on a metal swing set. And feeling like no one in the world cared about me or loved me because why else would I have to be there? Maybe it's irrational. In fact, I'm sure it is. But when you're 4 you're not rational.
So yeah, it's the little things that make me the crazy parent I am. And I'm okay with that.
A part of me feels like if I can do things as differently as possible, then my kids will be happier, safer, and more secure. It's silly, I get that. There are people who raise their children the complete opposite as I, who have the same outcome (whatever it may be). I just think that for me it's what works best. It feels like I am actively making decisions as a parent, instead of passively choosing the same path that others did (and that path isn't bad, please, please, do not think that I believe that). I just need something different so that I feel like I have a chance at all of this.
Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the feelings I had the first time I held Miss H. The overwhelming amount of love. This deep desire to want better for her. Better than I had. Better than J had. Better even, than we knew.
And right now anyway, the only way I know how to give her and baby B better, is by giving them different.
The thing is, different isn't better for everyone. Different may not even be better for us in the long run. I'll learn as I go, I'm sure.
But please don't feel defensive when I do something differently. I'm not saying you're wrong. I don't believe that for a second. And please don't just assume you know how I actually feel about anything. Chances are you are wrong about that.
Everything right down to the shoes that goes on my babes' feet I've put some serious thought, and typically research into. Give me a little credit. Because I know you've done the same. But because we're humans, we've come to different conclusions. And you know what, we're both right. And neither one of us has any idea why the other does or thinks what they do. Unless we ask.
So here's to asking next time, instead of just assuming!
For instance, when a good momma friend of mine, who I met after the birth of Miss H, first learned that I'd given birth at home, her immediate reaction was "Oh, so you hate doctors and all Western medicine, huh?" Seriously, all I could think was WTF? I could not wrap my brain around how she would even infer that. It wasn't until much later, and after I had gotten to know her better, that I realized her husband being a doctor made her automatically feel defensive. Okay, I get that. But there really was no need.
I have come to the conclusion that most people make their parenting choices based on their own childhoods. Those who felt happy, safe, and secure throughout their childhoods tend to replicate them with their children. This doesn't mean they do everything the exact same, of course they don't. We all have our own "style." But something as simple as leaving your child in order to go out with your spouse just doesn't seem like a big deal, because it wasn't a big deal for you as a child.
Then there are some of us who, although we had parents who loved us, did not generally feel safe and secure as children, or even happy, and so we try to do everything different.
I can vividly remember being left frequently as a small child with one of my ex-stepfathers parents. His mother was not kind to me. Oftentimes I would spend what felt like hours outside crying, begging God to let my mom come back and get me. I even broke my elbow at these people's house and they didn't call my mother. For several, several hours I waited, being physically ill several times from the pain, until my mother came for me late at night. It is because of these memories I have extreme anxiety when it comes to leaving my own children.
I don't think leaving your children is bad or wrong. Not for a second. I wish I was one of those people who could. But anytime I do, even if it is just for an hour, I think of that small little Ki, crying all by herself for her momma on a metal swing set. And feeling like no one in the world cared about me or loved me because why else would I have to be there? Maybe it's irrational. In fact, I'm sure it is. But when you're 4 you're not rational.
So yeah, it's the little things that make me the crazy parent I am. And I'm okay with that.
A part of me feels like if I can do things as differently as possible, then my kids will be happier, safer, and more secure. It's silly, I get that. There are people who raise their children the complete opposite as I, who have the same outcome (whatever it may be). I just think that for me it's what works best. It feels like I am actively making decisions as a parent, instead of passively choosing the same path that others did (and that path isn't bad, please, please, do not think that I believe that). I just need something different so that I feel like I have a chance at all of this.
Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the feelings I had the first time I held Miss H. The overwhelming amount of love. This deep desire to want better for her. Better than I had. Better than J had. Better even, than we knew.
And right now anyway, the only way I know how to give her and baby B better, is by giving them different.
The thing is, different isn't better for everyone. Different may not even be better for us in the long run. I'll learn as I go, I'm sure.
But please don't feel defensive when I do something differently. I'm not saying you're wrong. I don't believe that for a second. And please don't just assume you know how I actually feel about anything. Chances are you are wrong about that.
Everything right down to the shoes that goes on my babes' feet I've put some serious thought, and typically research into. Give me a little credit. Because I know you've done the same. But because we're humans, we've come to different conclusions. And you know what, we're both right. And neither one of us has any idea why the other does or thinks what they do. Unless we ask.
So here's to asking next time, instead of just assuming!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
I'm not spontaneous
I'm pretty much the least spontaneous person I know. I make pro/con lists for nearly every major, and many minor, decisions and plans in my life. I even plan out my day each morning, or the night before. Xyz are going to take place, and I rarely stray from the plan. Needless to say, spontaneity is not my forte.
While J was on travel for 2 weeks, one of his good friends' father passed away. This really had no impact on me as I did not know this guy's father, and to be honest, I don't know this particular friend very well.
But, I've been doing some major re-evaluations on my life and my relationships with people. And, by default, my children's relationships with people.
And the more and more I thought about this friends recently departed father, the more and more I thought about my children and their paternal family.
J and I have submersed ourselves into Dave Ramsey's get out of debt plan. It's hard. Like really, really hard. But that's mostly because we are currently carrying three mortgages, and one of those was never in our budget. And really, until we are able to get rid of it, we will be floating. And that's okay. We are still more fortunate than many, so I cannot complain. But because of this, we've also put a stop to all non-essential travel.
This is hard. Like, really, really hard. For me, anyway. I like to go. Whenever I want. I'm used to being able to just go with J on his travels whenever I feel like it. I'm used to being able to take mini-vacays whenever I choose.
But we're not doing that. And it's 100% my choice. I'm the one who wanted to go all Dave Ramsey.
But the more I thought about how quickly our friend lost his father, the more I thought about the last time we'd been out to visit J's family.
It was last November. For baby B's baptism. That was a loooong time ago. And, quite frankly, a miserable experience for me. Not because of J's dear family or friends; no, they are all amazing. But because of where I was mentally and emotionally at the time.
The idea of J's father passing and our children having not seen him in so long really bothered me. The idea of our children having family that love them so very much, but whom we choose not to go out of our way to visit due to monetary reasons, bothered me more.
I mean, how in the world do you put a price on your family? Especially family that truly cares about your children - not those who pretend to because it's "the right thing to do."
After the babes were in bed last Friday, I was unloading the dishwasher and this really just kept eating at me. I really needed to get those kids out to visit their grandparents. It just couldn't wait.
J got home late that evening from his travels, and one of the first things I told him was that we had to go visit his family. And pronto.
"How soon? When?" he questioned.
"Let's go tomorrow," I told him.
"For real?"
"Yes, for real."
And so we did. It's roughly a 24 hour drive, and the kids did amazing. We drove through the night, we stopped frequently, and we used that DVD player like it was going out of style.
We arrived in New Mexico on Sunday. We departed on Thursday. It was a short trip. But incredibly important. For my children. For my husband. And for myself.
I'm not a spontaneous person, but without a doubt, a 24 hour drive across the country with two babies for a relatively short trip, planned less than 24 hours before departure, is without a doubt the most spontaneous thing I've ever done.
And now I'm starting to think I need to add some more spontaneity into my life. It definitely is good for the soul!
While J was on travel for 2 weeks, one of his good friends' father passed away. This really had no impact on me as I did not know this guy's father, and to be honest, I don't know this particular friend very well.
But, I've been doing some major re-evaluations on my life and my relationships with people. And, by default, my children's relationships with people.
And the more and more I thought about this friends recently departed father, the more and more I thought about my children and their paternal family.
J and I have submersed ourselves into Dave Ramsey's get out of debt plan. It's hard. Like really, really hard. But that's mostly because we are currently carrying three mortgages, and one of those was never in our budget. And really, until we are able to get rid of it, we will be floating. And that's okay. We are still more fortunate than many, so I cannot complain. But because of this, we've also put a stop to all non-essential travel.
This is hard. Like, really, really hard. For me, anyway. I like to go. Whenever I want. I'm used to being able to just go with J on his travels whenever I feel like it. I'm used to being able to take mini-vacays whenever I choose.
But we're not doing that. And it's 100% my choice. I'm the one who wanted to go all Dave Ramsey.
But the more I thought about how quickly our friend lost his father, the more I thought about the last time we'd been out to visit J's family.
It was last November. For baby B's baptism. That was a loooong time ago. And, quite frankly, a miserable experience for me. Not because of J's dear family or friends; no, they are all amazing. But because of where I was mentally and emotionally at the time.
The idea of J's father passing and our children having not seen him in so long really bothered me. The idea of our children having family that love them so very much, but whom we choose not to go out of our way to visit due to monetary reasons, bothered me more.
I mean, how in the world do you put a price on your family? Especially family that truly cares about your children - not those who pretend to because it's "the right thing to do."
After the babes were in bed last Friday, I was unloading the dishwasher and this really just kept eating at me. I really needed to get those kids out to visit their grandparents. It just couldn't wait.
J got home late that evening from his travels, and one of the first things I told him was that we had to go visit his family. And pronto.
"How soon? When?" he questioned.
"Let's go tomorrow," I told him.
"For real?"
"Yes, for real."
And so we did. It's roughly a 24 hour drive, and the kids did amazing. We drove through the night, we stopped frequently, and we used that DVD player like it was going out of style.
We arrived in New Mexico on Sunday. We departed on Thursday. It was a short trip. But incredibly important. For my children. For my husband. And for myself.
I'm not a spontaneous person, but without a doubt, a 24 hour drive across the country with two babies for a relatively short trip, planned less than 24 hours before departure, is without a doubt the most spontaneous thing I've ever done.
And now I'm starting to think I need to add some more spontaneity into my life. It definitely is good for the soul!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
There is no such things as a "free" storytime
There isn't much that I enjoy more than curling up to a good book. Ever since I can remember, I've been a bookworm. Obviously, with kiddos, I don't get to read near as much as I used to. Once I start a book, I have a hard time putting it down, which means everything else gets neglected. Not so hot when you have babes to care for. But when J travels, I often spend my evenings reading. Since he has been MIA 80% of the time since baby B has been born, I've gotten to read a bit more than usual.
But I digress...Miss H has definitely inherited my bookworm gene. I think baby B has, too. All ready he will sit, fascinated, as I read books to him, over and over again. Nothing excites Miss H more than reading a book or taking a trip to the library or bookstore.
This morning she ran around the house screaming, "Storytime today! Momma, storytime!" That girl loves her books.
Barnes and Noble is pretty much brilliant. They offer a free storytime, complete with a cookie or other treat, once a month for our local moms group (I'm fairly certain they offer it to the public at a different time as well...but I can't afford to go more than once a month, ha!). Yes, it's "free." But, as I vividly remember from Economics class, there is no such thing as a free lunch.
We always arrive early, Miss H making a mad dash to Starbucks where she gets "my own, Momma. My very own!" cup of tea or, when I'm feeling daring, chocolate milk (but if she actually drinks it all she ends up with diarrhea, yeah, you wanted to know that, so we steer clear of it most of the time). I get whatever, and typically Miss H cons me into a cookie or scone or quiche or whatever she so fancies that day, regardless of the fact that they are going to give her a free treat in just a bit. So all ready, our "free" storytime has cost me a good $10.
Miss H plays with the train table, listens to the story at story time, enjoys her snack, makes her crafts, and plays until she's finally a bit worn out. Fantastic! But no one can leave a book store without a book. That's totally my fault, but denying my child books is like denying her broccoli. I just can't fathom it. Mostly because I am a book addict and can fully appreciate the excitement of a brand new, crisp book, all of your own. The thrill of reading the words the first time. The joy of reading them another 2 millioin times, still as exciting as the first time.
And although she has a bookcase full of books, she really does read them. All of them. Regularly. In the span of one week I can easily say we've read each book she owns at least once - and anyone who has seen her collection knows it's extensive for a 2 year old (though she just told me a few days ago, "I need more books, Momma! See, see! I need more." Oh, the problems of first world children!). But since she reads them, I don't have a problem with having a few gazillion. And sometimes I agree with her, maybe she does need more...
I get it. I really, really do. So I always buy her a book. Sometimes 2. One time like 6, but we will pretend that time didn't happen.
So there I'm out another $5 if it was a cheap book. So, on a good story time day, the "free" event costs me $15. It's a good thing I never really anticipated it to be free.
And I can say that I retained something from my high school Economics class too.
But I digress...Miss H has definitely inherited my bookworm gene. I think baby B has, too. All ready he will sit, fascinated, as I read books to him, over and over again. Nothing excites Miss H more than reading a book or taking a trip to the library or bookstore.
This morning she ran around the house screaming, "Storytime today! Momma, storytime!" That girl loves her books.
Barnes and Noble is pretty much brilliant. They offer a free storytime, complete with a cookie or other treat, once a month for our local moms group (I'm fairly certain they offer it to the public at a different time as well...but I can't afford to go more than once a month, ha!). Yes, it's "free." But, as I vividly remember from Economics class, there is no such thing as a free lunch.
We always arrive early, Miss H making a mad dash to Starbucks where she gets "my own, Momma. My very own!" cup of tea or, when I'm feeling daring, chocolate milk (but if she actually drinks it all she ends up with diarrhea, yeah, you wanted to know that, so we steer clear of it most of the time). I get whatever, and typically Miss H cons me into a cookie or scone or quiche or whatever she so fancies that day, regardless of the fact that they are going to give her a free treat in just a bit. So all ready, our "free" storytime has cost me a good $10.
Miss H plays with the train table, listens to the story at story time, enjoys her snack, makes her crafts, and plays until she's finally a bit worn out. Fantastic! But no one can leave a book store without a book. That's totally my fault, but denying my child books is like denying her broccoli. I just can't fathom it. Mostly because I am a book addict and can fully appreciate the excitement of a brand new, crisp book, all of your own. The thrill of reading the words the first time. The joy of reading them another 2 millioin times, still as exciting as the first time.
And although she has a bookcase full of books, she really does read them. All of them. Regularly. In the span of one week I can easily say we've read each book she owns at least once - and anyone who has seen her collection knows it's extensive for a 2 year old (though she just told me a few days ago, "I need more books, Momma! See, see! I need more." Oh, the problems of first world children!). But since she reads them, I don't have a problem with having a few gazillion. And sometimes I agree with her, maybe she does need more...
I get it. I really, really do. So I always buy her a book. Sometimes 2. One time like 6, but we will pretend that time didn't happen.
So there I'm out another $5 if it was a cheap book. So, on a good story time day, the "free" event costs me $15. It's a good thing I never really anticipated it to be free.
And I can say that I retained something from my high school Economics class too.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sorry doesn't fix it
I've known this my whole life. Sorry doesn't fix anything. Sure, it's nice to say after a wrongdoing, especially if you actually mean it. But it doesn't make the words you said disappear. It doesn't make the sting from your hit subside. Itn cannot, in fact, actually do anything to change what has all ready occurred. I know this. I'm a firm believer in this.
And yet I say that I'm sorry to baby B every single day. Sometimes multiple times a day. While he's nursing. While he's sleeping. While he's toddling trepditiously toward me. And away from me.
I say it even though I know that I cannot fix those first few months for him. I cannot make myself look back on my birth experience with him and say it was beautiful and great like Miss H's. I cannot go back and make myself happy. Sure, I wore him just as much as I did Miss H, but with so much reluctance. And only because I'd had her first; I knew what the right thing to do was, even though I didn't feel an overwhelming desire to have him on me. I hugged him and kissed him because I knew babies needed that, but it was on the rarest occassion that it was out of anything more than obligation.
I loved him, yes. That is a given. Just as with Miss H, I would have gladly laid down my life for him from the second I laid eyes on him. Before that even.
But I cannot go back and re-create a connection with him in those first precarious months that simply was not there.
Baby B is a happy, lovely, and loving baby boy. I know without a doubt that he knows how much I cherish him. We are connected now. That's for sure!
Bust still. There are things that make me feel awful, when in reality they should not. They way he is so wrapped up with J. At this age Miss H wanted nothing to do with her papa. But baby B happily crawls into his lap. He gives him hugs and besos unprompted. He cries when he leaves him. These are all good things, and things he does with me as well, but I feel sometimes that he only does it with J because he knows that J was the one genuinely connecting with him in those early months.
Even with breastfeeding I sometimes feel like I screwed things up. He's never nursed half as much as Miss H, which is a totally fine thing. She's a bit of an addict. But then I sometimes find myself thinking "Well, maybe that's because he knows." And so, of course, I apologize, even though I know it won't fix it.
I figure some day I will be able to look at him and not think, "I am just so sorry." Some day I will be able to stop trying to make it up to him on an hourly basis.
I remember telling J during those first few months that baby B deserved so much better than me. That he was so perfect, and wasn't it his rotten luck to get stuck with a momma like me. And then the lightswitch went on and things got a million times better and I realized that he got a pretty kick-ass momma. I will always be honest and forthcoming with him. I love him to absolute pieces and would never let harm befall him.
But I'll still likely tell him I'm sorry on a daily basis. Because I am.
From the deepest depths of my soul I'm sorry, my sweet boy.
And yet I say that I'm sorry to baby B every single day. Sometimes multiple times a day. While he's nursing. While he's sleeping. While he's toddling trepditiously toward me. And away from me.
I say it even though I know that I cannot fix those first few months for him. I cannot make myself look back on my birth experience with him and say it was beautiful and great like Miss H's. I cannot go back and make myself happy. Sure, I wore him just as much as I did Miss H, but with so much reluctance. And only because I'd had her first; I knew what the right thing to do was, even though I didn't feel an overwhelming desire to have him on me. I hugged him and kissed him because I knew babies needed that, but it was on the rarest occassion that it was out of anything more than obligation.
I loved him, yes. That is a given. Just as with Miss H, I would have gladly laid down my life for him from the second I laid eyes on him. Before that even.
But I cannot go back and re-create a connection with him in those first precarious months that simply was not there.
Baby B is a happy, lovely, and loving baby boy. I know without a doubt that he knows how much I cherish him. We are connected now. That's for sure!
Bust still. There are things that make me feel awful, when in reality they should not. They way he is so wrapped up with J. At this age Miss H wanted nothing to do with her papa. But baby B happily crawls into his lap. He gives him hugs and besos unprompted. He cries when he leaves him. These are all good things, and things he does with me as well, but I feel sometimes that he only does it with J because he knows that J was the one genuinely connecting with him in those early months.
Even with breastfeeding I sometimes feel like I screwed things up. He's never nursed half as much as Miss H, which is a totally fine thing. She's a bit of an addict. But then I sometimes find myself thinking "Well, maybe that's because he knows." And so, of course, I apologize, even though I know it won't fix it.
I figure some day I will be able to look at him and not think, "I am just so sorry." Some day I will be able to stop trying to make it up to him on an hourly basis.
I remember telling J during those first few months that baby B deserved so much better than me. That he was so perfect, and wasn't it his rotten luck to get stuck with a momma like me. And then the lightswitch went on and things got a million times better and I realized that he got a pretty kick-ass momma. I will always be honest and forthcoming with him. I love him to absolute pieces and would never let harm befall him.
But I'll still likely tell him I'm sorry on a daily basis. Because I am.
From the deepest depths of my soul I'm sorry, my sweet boy.
Monday, June 25, 2012
She can write "t"!
I've been working letters with Miss H. Her being able to see the letter and know the sound it makes. Everything I've read says to teach the sound, not the letter's name, so that it's easier to learn to read. That makes sense to me, so that's what we're doing.
I've been teaching her with some homemade cards and glitter glue until I take the time to order her the sandpaper letters I really want (which I could easily be doing right now...). Anyway, we've only been doing this for a little over a week, but she knows "t", "m", "h", "i", and is about 60/40 on "a". But I'm impressed enough.
I haven't even tried to teach her to write them. I just want her to learn the sounds they make first. Well, she was on the floor yesterday with J, playing with her magnadoodle, and starts loudly squealing "tuh! tuh! tuh!" We both look down, and sure enough, she had written the letter "t" all on her own!
I'm likely easily impressed, and I'm okay with that. Because she absolutely blew my mind!
I've been teaching her with some homemade cards and glitter glue until I take the time to order her the sandpaper letters I really want (which I could easily be doing right now...). Anyway, we've only been doing this for a little over a week, but she knows "t", "m", "h", "i", and is about 60/40 on "a". But I'm impressed enough.
I haven't even tried to teach her to write them. I just want her to learn the sounds they make first. Well, she was on the floor yesterday with J, playing with her magnadoodle, and starts loudly squealing "tuh! tuh! tuh!" We both look down, and sure enough, she had written the letter "t" all on her own!
I'm likely easily impressed, and I'm okay with that. Because she absolutely blew my mind!
Things I wish I'd known BEFORE I had a baby
A good friend of mine is pregnant. I'm so excited for her as she enters this next chapter of her life. I wrote her an email with some of the things I wish others had told me before having my babes.
I can vividly remember being pregnant with my first. That's when the world of parenthood is so exciting, so daunting, and such a mystery. You buy silly, frivolous things that you've become certain are necessities (nursery bedding, anyone?). You set yourself so firmly in your ideals that you cannot imagine anything else (Baby will sleep in his own bed for a solid 12 hours by the time he's 6 months...).
So here is a compilation of just a few things I wish I'd known before having my first babe.
1.)Ditch the travel system and just invest in a really good convertible car seat. Like a Britax Boulevard (safest car seat rating). Yeah, it's going to run your about $250-$275 from diapers.com or albeebaby.com (they always have decent deals), BUT, a travel system is about $150 if it's a cheap one, typically more than that though, and then you're going to have to buy a convertible seat anyways at about 6 mos, and even a cheap one is going to be $80-$100, so why not put that money toward a super safe, comfortable seat that the baby can use for a good 5 years, ya know?
2.) If you buy entertainment things, purchase them from Craigslist or a second hand store. They use them for such a short period of time. And really, I wouldn't bother having any until after the babe is here and you can go to Target or something and actually put them in the swing and see if they like it. All babes are different. H LOVED the swing, but hated the bouncer. B was the exact opposite. Both hated exersaucers. And those are a huge waste of money anyway. A few toys and a blanket does the same thing.
3.) If you don't want to co-sleep with the baby, I'd still skip the bassinet. If you want baby in your room, just stick the crib in there until you're ready to put baby in his own room. Easier, and cheaper, and you don't have to "transition" to the crib.
4.) If you plan to breastfeed, DON'T buy formula "just in case", and don't let them "top her up" in the hospital until your "milk comes in." Breastfeeding SUCKS for the first 2-6 weeks. You are 99% likely to WANT to stop. So if you don't have the ability, i.e., no formula and bottle lying around, you'll keep going. And once you get past the hard part, it's such a freaking breeze.
5.) Don't invest in a "baby bath". Either bathe him in the sink, or take him into the shower with you. When he's super tiny, take him in, rinse him off, hand him out to your spouse to dry off. Super easy. And babies don't need all that baby soap and crap. Until they have real hair, water will suffice. And even then, I just wash H's hair with conditioner.
6.) Be flexible. Regardless of what you believe as far as parenting, remember your baby is on their own agenda. I know of parents who badly wanted to co-sleep, but whose baby very much needed their own space to sleep. And then vice versa of course, those who wanted their babies in their own beds, but their babies had different ideas (us!).
7.) If you plan to breastfeed, make sure you have SUPPORT. Even if that support is in the form of your well-informed husband who can tell you during the worst moments the reasons you chose to breastfeed- both for you AND baby's health. And he can also remind you how freaking expensive formula is. That being said, make sure you also have the support for if it just genuinely isn't working out for you and/or baby, that there is someone to tell you that it's okay- your baby will be fine on formula. Both momma and baby need to have a good and positive experience with breastfeeding. And if someone isn't happy in that relationship, it needs to change. And that's okay!
8.) Don't stock up on one particular brand of diapers unless it's relatively chemical free, like 7th Generation. Some babies have bad reaction to some brands of diapers. It would suck to have 500 diapers you can't use.
9.) And lastly, don't be afraid to ask for help. It's one of the hardest things as a parent to do, but really, one of the best when you are able to do it. (I'm still working on this one...immensely...)
Anyway, take it or leave it. I'm sure there is plenty more, but this is all I can think of off the top of my head, and baby B just woke up...
I can vividly remember being pregnant with my first. That's when the world of parenthood is so exciting, so daunting, and such a mystery. You buy silly, frivolous things that you've become certain are necessities (nursery bedding, anyone?). You set yourself so firmly in your ideals that you cannot imagine anything else (Baby will sleep in his own bed for a solid 12 hours by the time he's 6 months...).
So here is a compilation of just a few things I wish I'd known before having my first babe.
1.)Ditch the travel system and just invest in a really good convertible car seat. Like a Britax Boulevard (safest car seat rating). Yeah, it's going to run your about $250-$275 from diapers.com or albeebaby.com (they always have decent deals), BUT, a travel system is about $150 if it's a cheap one, typically more than that though, and then you're going to have to buy a convertible seat anyways at about 6 mos, and even a cheap one is going to be $80-$100, so why not put that money toward a super safe, comfortable seat that the baby can use for a good 5 years, ya know?
2.) If you buy entertainment things, purchase them from Craigslist or a second hand store. They use them for such a short period of time. And really, I wouldn't bother having any until after the babe is here and you can go to Target or something and actually put them in the swing and see if they like it. All babes are different. H LOVED the swing, but hated the bouncer. B was the exact opposite. Both hated exersaucers. And those are a huge waste of money anyway. A few toys and a blanket does the same thing.
3.) If you don't want to co-sleep with the baby, I'd still skip the bassinet. If you want baby in your room, just stick the crib in there until you're ready to put baby in his own room. Easier, and cheaper, and you don't have to "transition" to the crib.
4.) If you plan to breastfeed, DON'T buy formula "just in case", and don't let them "top her up" in the hospital until your "milk comes in." Breastfeeding SUCKS for the first 2-6 weeks. You are 99% likely to WANT to stop. So if you don't have the ability, i.e., no formula and bottle lying around, you'll keep going. And once you get past the hard part, it's such a freaking breeze.
5.) Don't invest in a "baby bath". Either bathe him in the sink, or take him into the shower with you. When he's super tiny, take him in, rinse him off, hand him out to your spouse to dry off. Super easy. And babies don't need all that baby soap and crap. Until they have real hair, water will suffice. And even then, I just wash H's hair with conditioner.
6.) Be flexible. Regardless of what you believe as far as parenting, remember your baby is on their own agenda. I know of parents who badly wanted to co-sleep, but whose baby very much needed their own space to sleep. And then vice versa of course, those who wanted their babies in their own beds, but their babies had different ideas (us!).
7.) If you plan to breastfeed, make sure you have SUPPORT. Even if that support is in the form of your well-informed husband who can tell you during the worst moments the reasons you chose to breastfeed- both for you AND baby's health. And he can also remind you how freaking expensive formula is. That being said, make sure you also have the support for if it just genuinely isn't working out for you and/or baby, that there is someone to tell you that it's okay- your baby will be fine on formula. Both momma and baby need to have a good and positive experience with breastfeeding. And if someone isn't happy in that relationship, it needs to change. And that's okay!
8.) Don't stock up on one particular brand of diapers unless it's relatively chemical free, like 7th Generation. Some babies have bad reaction to some brands of diapers. It would suck to have 500 diapers you can't use.
9.) And lastly, don't be afraid to ask for help. It's one of the hardest things as a parent to do, but really, one of the best when you are able to do it. (I'm still working on this one...immensely...)
Anyway, take it or leave it. I'm sure there is plenty more, but this is all I can think of off the top of my head, and baby B just woke up...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)