Valentines balloons

For the past three weeks Miss H has been seeing Valentines Day balloons everywhere.

She loves balloons. Adores them (so does Mr. B).

Naturally, she's asked several times if she could have some. At one point I bought her and Mr. B little tiny ones on sticks. They loved them. I quickly learned they were nothing more than weaponry.

But I told her that I'd get her and B one for Valentines Day.

Well, as today went by, I realized I was not going to make it anywhere without small children since J was deep in the throes of spray spainting vents (which turned out awesome!). So I just decided I'd take them with and let them pick it out while I ventured to pick up a heart shaped pizza. Maybe not as cool, but I promised Valentines balloons and I'm a woman of my word.

So in the car on the way to the store I told H she could pick out her own Valentines balloon.

"Any one I want?" She asked.

"Sure," I answered. "Just remember, you only get one. And B only gets one."

"Okay," she easily agreed.

I should definitely be careful what I agree to.

We walk into the store and there are tons of balloons. Hearts, owls, cupcakes, bumble bees, ice cream cones, you name it. All for Valentines Day.

"I want a heart," she announced immediately.

"What color?" I questioned as there were all the colors under the rainbow.

"Red."

I walked over to a red balloon and proceeded to pick it up.

Miss H shook her head. "Not that one. This one." And she closed in on a red heart balloon that was bigger than herself.

"Don't you want this cute small one?" I tried.

"You said any balloon. I want this one."

I nodded my head. That's what I said. I didn't realize they made life-size balloons though.

"Well, how about we get this one for B then," I said.

"No, Momma. He gets to pick out his own too."

I'm pretty sure I sulked at this point. Mostly because B was at this point enchanted by a frog balloon that said "kiss me" and was bigger than him.

Two balloons and $20 later, I will be sure I know what I'm agreeing to in the future.

At least I have two happy kids and a good excuse not to get them candy.

A little update on the lead situation

We got our most recent lead evaluation results of the house back today.

I wish I could say that it told us there is a super obvious culprit for all of this. Or that something tested high that wasn’t all ready on our list of “suspects.”

But I can’t.

The window levers and door knobs that haven’t been painted over all tested high. They’re 125 years old, so not terribly surprising, and all ready suspects and on our “fix” list. So we shall immediately paint the window levers and either paint the door knobs or remove the doors altogether (we purchased doors to replace the bedrooms, just were waiting to do so as we re-did each room).

The vent covers all tested for minor lead. This was slightly surprising, but like the knobs and levers, also suspects due to age. J is taking the day off tomorrow to deal with these. He’ll remove them all, power wash them, and spray paint them. Voila!

The windows in the house that have yet to be redone (cleaned out, storm windows put on), tested for minor lead levels. We’ve been working on these for the past two years, but will take a precedent now and J will just have to take time off and do them come spring.

Paint in the mudroom that is chipping, as well as our back shed, both tested for a decent amount of lead. We all ready figured this even before B’s lead poisoning and naturally kept the kids from those. But J will power wash the mudroom and paint. We don’t want to put too much into it, but enough of course to be sure it’s safe, since that whole room will need to be redone in the next year or so. J is in the process of finding painters certified to deal with lead paint to come scrape the shed clean. We can paint it ourselves.

None of the trim in the house tested positive for lead, but he did suggest painting over the little dings and whatnot, which we’d planned to do anyway. We all ready purchased replacement trim for the whole house, but at least now we know it’s safe to just wait to replace the trim in each room as we go, no need to worry about it immediately.

We found B’s car seat model, year, and color online at healthystuff.org. It had been tested all ready. It’s full of lead (and other yucky toxins). My mother graciously offered to buy him a new seat, and after a lot of research and detective work I never thought I’d have to worry about over a car seat - something created to keep my children safe, not harm them - we decided on the Radian XTS. It’s lead free. And also scores awesomely low or altogether non-existent for the other nasty toxins found in many car seats (chlorine, bromine, etc.). And it’s awesome because it rear facing until 45lbs and keeps the babes in a 5 point harness until 80lbs (and then becomes the booster until 120lbs and 57"), and their safety is obviously important to me.

After a little bit of discussion, J and I decided to break into our emergency savings account and purchase the same seat for H. There really shouldn’t have been any discussion to it, but for a minute we got caught up with the numbers. But just because she isn’t having any ill-effects doesn’t mean she should have to sit in a toxic seat we deem unsuitable for her brother. When you know better, you do better. And well, we know better.

We’ll fix all these things of course, and pray that it was one of these, or something that we’ve all ready changed (stairs, stripped doors, toys, etc.) and it simply hadn’t taken effect when he was last tested.

The environmentalist commented on how “open and eager” I was to change and fix everything ASAP. I just kind of laughed, slightly confused, and told him, “It’s my baby. I’d do anything for him.”

To which he replied, “If more people had your attitude, there would be a lot of kids much better off.”

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t give me warm and fuzzies. Validation, even from strangers, is a nice feeling. Especially with how these past few weeks have been, but I’ll blog about that later.

Over all, we didn’t learn anything surprisingly new, but were able to plan a better (new) course of action. I'll be glad, to say the least, when this whole mess is over and I have a healthy baby again.

Car seats have lead. Who knew?

When I was pregnant with H, and those first few months after she was born, I was incredibly ignorant when it came to car seats.

I had no idea that car seats had different safety ratings. If you’d asked me how long she was supposed to be rear-facing, I wouldn’t have known, much less have guessed until 40 pounds. Chest clip…yes, I fell into the category of really stupid people who didn’t seem to understand the word “chest.” I cringe when I see some of those photos of the first few times she was in her bucket seat.

Needless to say, we didn’t buy an infant carrier based on safety ratings or any sort of research. We bought a gender neutral seat that was yellow and gray that I thought was cute and came as a travel system. If I could go back and re-do it, I’d have never even bought the stupid, worthless infant seat. But alas.

Fortunately, I wised up before it was time to purchase her convertible seat. Thanks to a bunch of wise women willing to share their wisdom with me, some in a very blunt manner, I learned about car seat safety ratings and the different things to look out for and be aware of.

After an immense amount of research I decided to purchase a Britax Boulevard for our little love. I was cheap and bought the ugly print that was on sale because no one wanted it. I didn’t care. It was just a seat and I was worried about its safety features anyway, not its aesthetic features.

We loved it so much, and H did too, so it went without question that we bought B the same seat (newer model) when it was his turn for a convertible car seat.

Like other things I hadn’t considered to be a suspect in my son’s lead poisoning, his car seat obviously didn’t make the list.

Until recently when a friend and I were flipping through a book full of children and infant product/toy recalls due to lead. I’m pretty sure nearly every page was Fisher-Price stuff. Until there, smack in the middle of a page, was a 2007 Britax car seat recall for lead.

The book was for recalls prior to 2009. This sparked me to do more research, as my children both sit in Britax seats. They are different years and models, so a potential difference for a possible lead exposure.

From the research I’ve done thus far, roughly 65% of car seats test excessively high for lead, chlorine, and bromine.

 

Lead.

The most recent studies are from 2011. Britax makes the list for high levels of lead exposure. Every. Single. Time.

I don’t know if B’s car seat has high lead. Or H’s for that matter. We’re working on the logistics of having them tested (and I’m trying not to mourn $600 in car seats before I know if they’re even an issue). But just the fact that they could be down right pisses me off.

Why are we not protecting our infants and children from this stuff in this country in this day and age? We know better! Why would we (by “we” I mean companies) even risk this? It doesn’t make sense, especially when we have the ability to prevent it.

It seems to be another facet in my life that I thought I was so careful about, so thoroughly researched. And it still wasn’t enough.

It’d be easy to say this should be a flashing neon light that I should just STOP. Stop researching, stop caring. Obviously it’s not preventing any of this.

And yet it only makes me want to dig deeper, go further.

I am well-researched and well-informed. But I also just never thought to suspect things that are supposed to insure my children’s safety to possibly bring them harm in other ways.

Gone are the glory days when kids rode on the floorboards and foods were naturally safe and no one had to question their child’s toys or mattresses and the great outdoors were the norm in every day childhood.

Alas.

Who knew 65% of car seats test above the safe levels for lead?

Not I. Not I.

Car seats have lead.

This is just getting ridiculous.

Soccer, the post office, and naps - GOAL!

A few weeks ago I was reading H the brochure of upcoming activities for her age group in our area. When I said, “Soccer” she immediately proclaimed she needed to participate.

And since there isn’t much I say to “no” to without a damn good cause, I said, “Okay” and signed her up.

And she loves it.

There are four main coaches. And she always wants to be with coach E who is from New York and likes telling Lio that he should go to New York and walk into a restaurant and order a “Leo” because they will know what it is there (eggs, lox, and something else I forget). He’s got a thick accent and his humor is completely lost on the kids. H refuses to speak to him, and yet he’s who she insists on being with for everything.

 
It cracks me up.
 

B, of course, won’t be left out of anything. I thought we could just watch from the bleachers, but no such luck. He wants to play too and no one minds so he follows the kids around doing the same drills and tricks. Truthfully, he’s pretty good. Better than most of the kids out there. The only thing the other kids have going for them that B doesn’t is that they follow directions. Mostly. B does for a while because it’s fun, and then they get too repetitive and he’s like “Screw this, I’m going to kick the ball into the goal a hundred times and maybe sit on it for a few minutes for good measure.”

Of course, at the very beginning when the kids were all telling their names, they were also supposed to say their favorite sport and H shouts out, “Baseball!” And I’m sitting there scratching my head wondering where in the world she’s heard about baseball because I don’t think we’ve ever mentioned it (though she’s playing t-ball this spring with her bff, but I don’t think I’ve told her this yet).

When the hour long fun was over (we have five more weeks of this), B snuggled into the Ergo with a big yawn while we trudged to the post office where H promptly melted down that we were giving her pictures and box away (it’s only taken this long to mail her paternal grandparents their Halloween pics, but I’m blaming that on J since he kept insisting he’d do it…). It’s always fun when you’ve got Asians and old people looking at you so disapprovingly and you just smile (perhaps slightly wickedly) at them and continue to “allow” your child to wail about her box. Of course, I scooped her up when it was time to go and plopped her into the car.

 

And right after lunch she and B both fell asleep for a nap – GOAL! H never naps anymore, and B had gone the past week with no nap. So I feel successful.

Of course, amidst the public meltdown I remember thinking, “Dear God, I bet no other person in the world has ever had a toddler freak out in public.” And once all was calm again, I laughed at myself. What person with a toddler hasn’t had them melt down at some point?

Regardless, I was all calm and Zen and really happy that some days I really kick ass at being the parent I want to be.

So kudos to soccer for putting my babes down for naps, but not so much for the meltdown.

At least they both had fun!

Diffusion not distraction

I don't believe in distraction. I know, I'm committing like a cardinal sin in parenting, because we are told by everyone in the world that distraction is one of the best parenting "tricks" in the world.

I do believe in preventing issues from the get-go. But not all things can be prevented, that's just life. And when there is a crisis, I prefer to diffuse, not distract.

Sometimes diffusing toddler frustrations (or Mommy frustrations) can be difficult. Because when someone is worked up, who wants to unwind so easily? And obviously, as I've said before, I believe in letting those frustrations out - it's only healthy.

But let's face it. Sometimes you just need some diffusion from the situation.

I hate saying distraction, because I don't agree with that. Distraction implies that you are ignoring the situation all together and not addressing it now or later. And that's not helpful or beneficial for anyone.

But diffusion is simply helping the child calm down so you can move along because you have an appointment in five minutes and the babe is still naked with unbrushed teeth. Or because your babes might kill each other due to some fight amongst themselves, and you have to step in (though I try very hard to not get in the middle of their qualms unless someone is getting physical).

How do we diffuse, you ask?

For us, we sing!

I'm not going to win an award for my vocal talents any time soon, but it's enough to help my kiddos. We have the "mad song" which is the most common in my house, though we also have the "yelling song" and others. And the "mad song" is sang pretty much every day. Often several times a day, just to help (typically H) get to that place of coherentness so we can address an issue, such as B stole her crayon, etc.

Our mad song is easy, it's two verses repeated over and over, and typically over again.

(In a whisper, with a grumpy face) When I'm mad I act mad.
(Loud, with a smile) But when I'm glad I act glad!

Oftentimes by the time I've made it to "glad" H is all ready laughing and singing with me. She likes to make her "grumpy face" for the mad verse, and laugh and yell as loudly as possible for the glad verse.

So in a situation where she has gotten angry that B has taken a crayon she was using away from her, and she reacted by yelling/using an unkind tone of voice, chasing, or trying to forcefully take the crayon back, we diffuse the situation (almost always by singing), and then address the situation.

I will empathize with her angry feelings because her brother took something she was using without asking. I will tell her I understand it makes her mad when people take things out of her hands, and gently remind her that is why we do not take things out of other peoples hands ourselves. I help her to use her words to tell B how she feels - "I don't like it when you take things without asking." Together we will ask for the crayon back from B, and obviously he pretty much never gives it back. We address the fact that he is a baby, and just as she didn't know these things when she was as small as him, he doesn't either. We have to show him how we want to be treated. And although it's really super hard, we cannot forcefully take the crayon back. We have to act nicely to B, let him know we were not finished using it and would really like it back, but if he doesn't return it, simply use another crayon. And when he is done, then we can have it back. Because although it's hard, if we want B to learn to treat us that kindly, we have to treat him kindly first. If we react unkindly and take things forcefully, demanding he "share," then we are showing and teaching him that his behavior was, in fact, correct and the way we'd like him to continue acting towards us.

It's hard. Incredibly hard.

And of course throughout this I always address B and say things like, "H is really sad you took that crayon from her" and later, when he does finally give it back, "H is so happy you gave that back to her."

Yes, maybe it'd take less time for me to either 1.) simply take the crayon forcefully back from B and demand he "share" (because we all know we love it when we are forced to share and it compels us to do it again later on) or 2.) distract H from the stolen crayon and get her immediately busy with a different crayon or activity.

But neither of those address the issues. Neither help equip either children with the know-how for the future. H has the right to speak up for herself and let B know she doesn't like things taken from her, but also be able to accept that if she wants him to not take things from her, she cannot take things from him either, even though it may be difficult. She also has the right to know her hurt feelings are real and valid. And B has the right to hear from H that she doesn't like his actions and he has the right to see how his actions make her feel.

Distractions sugar coats all of that and no one learns anything nor do they learn how to handle the situation in the future.

So yes, we diffuse, so that we can address and learn. Not distract, because no learns from that.

Chocolate yogurt...

Miss H has always gone back and forth on food spurts. While she likes virtually everything, she's human, and prefers some things over others depending on the day, or hour. Or even second.

Yogurt is one of those things she's had a love/hate relationship pretty much since beginning solids. One day she could eat a whole carton of it in a single sitting. The next day you had better not even think about bringing yogurt within ten feet of her.

Well, we're "on" for yogurt currently. I let her pick out her flavor, my only requisite is it has to be full fat yogurt, low-fat or fat-free is not an option. People need the good fats!

So we're in the store the other day, H and me, choosing yogurts. She's all about the single serve cups these days, so her options in flavors have really been widened. She going through each yogurt asking me the flavors.

"Blueberry," I tell her. "Mango, peach, strawberry, vanilla, coffee, maple, honey, chocolate."

She stopped dead in her tracks. She cocked her little head sideways and looked at me. "Did you say chocolate?" she asks.

"Yes," I immediately regret.

"I need all of them!" Pretty much at that moment she reminds me of a blood-thirsty baby vampire.

"How about we just get two. One for you and one for B."

"I need them all," she tells me calmly, matter-of-factly.

"Momma doesn't have money for them all."

She pinches her lips together and stares at me, trying to figure out if I speak the truth, I'm sure.

"Okay," she finally says. "We can get four. Two for me and two for B."

And so we got four. And they were eaten immediately while the blueberry and vanilla ones were shoved into the back of the fridge. She ate those later because there were not other options, but she made her displeasure that they were not chocolate well-known.

And she jumped for joy when she consumed the last one and informed me that we needed "to go to the market right now for chocolate yogurt."

Yeah. Chocolate yogurt was created for clever kids. Kids who like chocolate. Kids who realize that it's just creamy chocolate goodness, and saying it's "healthy" just makes moms like me feel better about the insane amounts that their small children are consuming.

Children NEED to have tantrums, and you did too.

I think the only thing worse than hearing parents say they don't "allow" their children to throw tantrums, is hearing that their kids in fact, do not ever throw tantrums. Because then the kid has all ready been "broken" to an extent. And the issue becomes so obvious when learning that as children, the parent wasn't permitted to throw a tantrum either.

Kids need to throw tantrums. They need to scream and cry and rage about. When their frustrations intensify to the point that they need a release, this is their release. And it should never be admonished or ignored or punished. It is the child's only way to express their emotions and convey that they don't know how to deal with them and they need help doing so. That they need to be heard by their parents.

But tantrums can be hard to deal with for parents. Especially tantrums in public or tantrums bring thrown by older children (over 2). And they are especially difficult for parents to accept and deal with if they themselves were not allowed to express those emotions when they were young. If they were stifled and punished and told that expressing their feelings and frustrations was "bad" or a form of "misbehavior" and were punished or ignored for such feelings, it can make it that much more difficult. And if as an adult the parent has yet to find a safe and appropriate way to release those emotions, accepting your child's feelings is nearly impossible.

Because frankly, accepting, allowing, and helping a child through a tantrum can be difficult and trying for the most emotionally-stable and patient parent in the world. So when you add your own baggage on top of it, it's easy for it to get out of hand or turn into a moment when you just tell your child it is unnacceptable or walk away in anger.

When your child so loudly expresses his frustrations and feels safe enough to let you see him cry and rage, as a parent who was never allowed to do so, it can stir up your own unresolved feelings and hurt your inner child who feels the need to compete with the child wailing on the floor or pulling books of the shelf in a rage. Your inner child wants to scream, "Well nobody listened to me when I was your age! No one every has cared about my needs and emotions!"

And of course, this kind of inner conflict can cause many parents to feel shame. It can cause them to struggle with their own emotions, and to struggle with helping their child in a healthy manner. And to be truthful, it's understandable. When you carry such a backhistory of unresolved pain related to unmet needs, it is difficult to be the person helping your child with his pain and own needs. It is often difficult to show ourselves the same compassion we wish to show our children and others, and yet it is important if we wish to help our children with their big feelings, most especially during a tantrum when they are in desperate need the most for our help.

As a parent we can only meet our child's emotional needs when are able to give time, thought, and genuine empathy to the places deep inside of ourselves that give us our most emotional conflict. Those dark areas where we've hoarded away, like subconsciously, our unmet needs. We can only undergo real transormation when we are able to accept and own up to our own emotional reactions to our children and realize that our difficulty helping our children and allowing them those emotions lie deep within our inner child and the pain of unmet emotional needs from our past, and in some cases, even our present.

We each must find the ways that meet our needs and help us to resolve our issues the best for us. I obviously do this through writing, others choose yoga or meditation, journalling, therapy, spending time under the stars with a glass of wine, running, talking with a trusted friend or even inner-child writing. There is no "right" way to deal with your unmet emotional needs, just a genuine need to do it for the sake of your little darling child.

When we have taken the steps to heal ourselves, we are empowered to give others the same quality of attention, empathy, acceptance and stress release that we've gifted ourselves. Feeling the calm, peace and clarity that follows stress-releasing outlets reminds us and empowers us to gift our child with a similar quality of listening and emotional release when their upsets bubble to the surface.

It is never easy to listen to a child, whether they be one year old or eleven years old, scream and cry. It isn't pleasant to watch them flail on the floor or destroy their room. But it is our job as their parents, to let them know that it is okay to scream and rage and release those big feelings. And that we're right there to help them in whatever way best suits the child. If they need five minutes to beat pillows by themselves, or if they need to sob in your chest while you rock them, or they want to just lay down and cry, without you speaking or touching them, but with you still present. They need to know that it is acceptable. "Allowable." That their emotions are appropriate and that they are safe to express them with someone who cares and loves them nearby.

Children throw lots of tantrums sometimes, regardless of age. Even children who have been armed with the best tools of self-control or "better" outlets still just need to tantrum on occassion. And that's normal. And okay!

It's annoying that little Sally cries every. single. time you go to Target and you tell her you will in fact not buy  her Gothic Barbie. But she's not crying to annoy you or frustrate you. She's crying because she is frustrated and unhappy. She wants it. It doesn't matter if she is three or thirteen, sometimes crying is simply the best coping mechanism. She needs you to show her empathy. To aknowledge you know how badly she wants it and that you realize it is very difficult not to have it. She needs you to also be clear that you've all ready said no though.

Maybe you feel weird and awkward to be the one with the tantruming kid in Target. Well, for just a second swallow your pride and focus on your own child, not the rest of the world. Help your child deal with her emotions. Let her cry, even if she needs to cry for ten minutes. Let her know it's okay to have those feelings.

It's so easy as a parent to say, "You're not getting it, now stop crying" or "Everyone is watching you. That's enough all ready." But ignoring your child's emotional needs or shaming them for having them isn't going to set your child up to be in the healthy emotional place you want them to be.

And I'm not saying that all children must scream and rage on a regular basis, or even ever, to be emotionally healthy. Maybe at an early age your child has learned that simply walking away and settling down with a book in solice is the best way for her to deal with the stress of her big feelings. Maybe crying softly by herself or running laps around the house or drawing pictures or cutting paper or a multitude of other things may be how your child deals with her feelings and big frustrations. How your child is able to release her emotions. Be aware of them. Accept them.

And also accept that although little Sally may outgrow the screaming, crying tantrums and find other appropriately healthy ways to deal with her emotions, she might not either. Tantrums, even at forty, might just be how she needs to release.

That's okay!

So deal with your own inner child so that you can be at a healthy place to share empathy with your child when he's dealing with his own big feelings.

It is one of those things in life and in parenting that you will never regret doing.

There are no regrets doing right by your child.