A conversation about Santa

Most people who follow this blog regularly know that I'm quite conflicted about Santa (and the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc.). On the one hand, I want my kids to have the childhood magic. On the other, I will just never be the person who can lie to her kids. No matter how magical the lie may be. Which is why J and I have pretty much come to the decision to leave it up to them. We won't blatantly tell them Santa and co. isn't real, but we also won't actually say they are. We'll leave it up to them and what they choose to believe.

Well, this evening H put on a pair of Carter's jammies with Santa Claus on it.

"Look!" she squealed. "It's Santa Claus! I can wear these for him on Christmas." I just nodded and smiled. "I just love him!"

"Why?" I asked.

"He brings me presents on Christmas," she declared.

"Do you think Momma and Papa give you presents on Christmas?" I queried.

"Well, you both do," she answered.

"Oh," I said.

"And Thanksgiving. Does he come on Thanksgiving?"

"I don't think so," I said.

"Oh. Well, Santa is just pretend, you know. He's in a story."

"Oh, he is?" I said.

"Yep...Well, the real Santa Claus lives with the princesses somewhere else on Earth."

"What?"

"Like in that book with the train in North Pole. That's just a story Santa. The real one doesn't live there."

"Oh, okay." I mean seriously, what do you say that? Apparently Saint Nick gets to live with a flock of princesses.

Now I'm just confused about what my daughter believes. I think she knows that the stories and movies with Santa are pretend, but that maybe there is a real one somewhere that lives with Princesses? Is this the one who is bringing her toys? I'm kind of hoping not, because his taste might not be up to par.

Anyway, as Christmas approaches much too fast I'm sure H and I will get to have a few more conversations to see where her beliefs rely. Because wherever they are, I certainly don't want to be the one to sully them.

Come to Mary moments

I occasionally have those Come to Mary moments when I'll be talking with a friend and they'll say something like, "Well, I was reading your blog and..."

It totally stops me in my tracks. For lots of reasons. This blog has been going strong for over a year now. I can see how many people read it, though I can't see who reads it. I was floored the first time I realized I had several followers from other countries. Countries I didn't know people from.

But when it comes to my actual friends...it's comforting. Empowering.

Mostly because I don't sugar-coat anything. I'm blunt. I have a lot of opinions a lot of people don't agree with. Opinions a lot of my friends don't agree with (dare I say most of my friends? Ha!)

And yet I still have friends.

It makes me respect my friends all that much more, honestly. That we can have differing opinions about such an array of topics, and they don't feel persecuted or defensive. That they know I'm not targeting them or saying they're wrong or any of the things that would go in line with that.

I am humbled that my friends know I respect them. That when I say something like "I don't believe in time out" and it's their number #1 parenting tool, they know I'm not saying a single word about them or their parenting choices and that I love and adore them just the same, even if we do things differently.

I love that I have friends who have no problem calling me out when they have an issue with something I say. I love that I have friends who feel just as strongly in their beliefs as I do mine; whether they are the same as mine or not.

It's always so great to hear when someone tells me that I've said something that resonates with them or has sparked them to do some research or change things in their home to be more gentle.

I don't pretend to have it all figured out. I don't. I've learned so much throughout the course of this blog. Especially about parenting.

I went from being pretty old-fashioned, a bit militant in punishment. Then something just clicked and I realized that I could not do that to my kids. I could not be that kind of parent. And I knew what kind of kids that produced, and I didn't want that for my kids either.

Then I was completely permissive for a solid 2 months because I had no idea how to not be authoritative and punitive but still have rules and boundaries and discipline. That time was incredibly hard. Internally I was a hot mess. Totally and completely clueless of how to change or fix the issue.

And then I found that solid, stable ground of gentle, loving, non-punitive parenting. And it's been awesome. Difficult and trying, and there is always so much criticism, but oh-well. It's still been awesome. And my kids are awesome.

It's not perfect. I've not pretended otherwise. Everyone who reads this knows pretty much every "issue" that's arisen. You know every epic meltdown and tantrum. Every shortcoming and failing I've had. I've never pretended or ignored it. Because I think it's important for you all to know that it's not easy. And that we're very real people, raising very real children, to the best of our know-how as of today. Maybe we will know something better tomorrow.

I'm always astonished by all the things I've learned since becoming a mom. I looked at a photo of Miss H when she was only a few days old, buckled in her carseat. I was horrified to look at it. She was not even remotely safe in that seat. I think of how as a newborn I held her on my lap down the highway once because she just wouldn't stop screaming otherwise. How I leaned over her car seat to nurse her. All. The. Time. Things I know so much better now to never, ever do. And I would never do them again. Heck, I'm pretty much the only person I know who still has a 3.5 year old still rear facing. But that's because I know and understand the physics now.

And because I watched a friend bury her 3 year old just a few short months ago. And that only reinforced my belief to keep H rear facing, as J and I had been talking about switching her just of the fun of it. We won't. Not until she is 45 lbs or 43" tall. Whichever comes first. Even if it's not until she's 7.

So many, many things I've learned. About parenting. About health. About relationships and marriage and daily life.

And despite having learned all of these things, I still don't know much at all. Not even remotely.

But I am so glad that you all are on this learning journey with me. That even we don't always see eye to eye, I have amazing friends to fall back on to and who will discuss our differences with me to help me better understand their side. And who will take the time to try and understand my side too.

So yes, I have my Come to Mary moments sometimes. Today is one of them.

Today I'm thankful for my friends. All of them. Young, old, male, female, childless, whatever. It doesn't matter. You're all amazing.

It's hard, but so worth it.

I read this today, and I loved it so much I posted it on my facebook. Twice.

It was a really good reminder. Something that I needed today, after an awesome morning followed by an afternoon of whining and fighting and me on the brink of losing my mind.

This whole gentle, peaceful parenting thing isn't easy. Like at all.

Yelling is easy.

Hitting/spanking is easy.

Time-outs are easy.

Threats are easy.

Bribes are easy.

But being patient. Fuck. Not easy at all.

Not yelling at someone who is yelling at you.

So not easy.

Listening to the same whine for the umpteenth time and calmly replying for the umpteenth time without snapping or banishing the whiner.

Not easy.

Watching your child push the button on the blender after you'd said it wasn't ready yet and not completely freaking out.

Not easy either.

Talking calmly and gently to an aggressive 2 year old.

Not easy.

Talking calmly and gently to a sassy 3 year old.

Even more not easy.

But this article, it was a beautiful reminder. A very helpful reminder right now.

Why J and I do it. Why we chose this way to parent our children. Why we put on the breaks when we started heading down time-out ally nearly 2 years ago and knew it wasn't right for us. Why we read until our eyeballs bled, and talked until our throats were raw to make sure we were on the same page.

Why we are there to give the other reprieve when the day is just so hard and we need someone else to be the calm, level-headed, fun parent while we collect ourselves by taking a solo shower or reading the news online so that we don't do or say or outburst in a way that we'd later regret.

It's a reminder that although we've made things a little tougher on ourselves right now in some ways - there is no easy or immediate fix to our children's unwanted behaviors - only long-term solutions, we've made things so much easier on ourselves in the long term. And more importantly - on them.

Because they will be leaders, not obedient followers. They will confidently say "no" and know that their "no" matters and will not be punished - whether to us or to the kid offering them a joint. Because they won't have issues with their parental relationships that will make them question every other relationship in their lives.

Because they will know due to the way we've treated him what is acceptable and what is not. They will know that they are worth more than being yelled at, belittled, shut down, ignored or hit by anyone.

So sometimes it's hard. Impossible almost.

But worth it. So worth it.

Because as the Organic Sister said, "This is parenting for the long-term. For the big picture. So remind yourself, through all these messy years when there are boogers dragged across the walls, and screaming matches over LEGO, and the first time they ever steal something, and words you wish you’d never taught them, and everyone is so kind as to point out their perfectly manicured children who never talk back or make mistakes because they’d get their ass whooped if they did…

Remind yourself that real, mindful, conscious, organic, peaceful, respectful parenting doesn’t look good in the beginning, in the same way a freaking souffle doesn’t look like a souffle until it comes out of the oven. (And if you keep poking and prodding it’s not gonna come out looking like a souffle at all.)

This kind of parenting doesn’t come with instant gratification like spanking and threatening and shaming does.

Instead it comes with real gratification, the kind that comes when one day they are taller than you and out there making their impact on the world with the kind of tools you modeled for them."

And that's what matters.

Long-term.

Even if the some of the days getting there are really dang hard. I will never regret showing kindness and compassion to my children. Not ever.

A little lesson in money

I've never really talked money with H & B. I mean, I've handed them money to pay for their own treats at the café, and they've stuck quarters in the parking meters for me, but an actual concept of it.

Nope.

They rarely ask for anything other than Starbucks and books, and I rarely say no. And truthfully, most the "stuff" is all me and J. They could care less for the most part.

The past few months with furlough and our house in NM being on the market, I've occasionally told them no books this week, but perhaps next week. They were always amenable to it, so I never needed to explain more to them. And I'm not sure how I would have in a way not completely over their heads anyway.

I know a lot of people (most maybe?) all ready "do money" with their kids by H's age, whether it be through allowance or whatnot. Maybe I've been doing them both a disservice, I don't know.

Anyway, they recently chose some toys to get rid of that they no longer play with. They took part in choosing which ones and were there to see them go. They'd been asking for some new craft supplies, so I took them to Hobby Lobby this morning.

With the holidays fast approaching I didn't want this turn to into a complete budget blower. The kids and I in a craft store can get crazy really quickly.

So I took out two $20 bills and told them that they had $40 to spend total. (Maybe that was too much. I haven't decided yet). They could get whatever craft stuff they wanted, but it had to cost no more than $40. And it also had to include glue sticks and new washable markers (which they were out of).

I was so super impressed.

Like ridiculously.

They wanted puff balls. And after quite some time of examining each package, they agreed on three different packages - red, sparkly purple, and a mixed package. With no arguing.

Then we moved onto foam stickers. They had a little trouble there deciding on which they wanted, and if they got more than one package it would really put a damper on their budget. I casually pointed out a pack of sparkly foam stickers clearanced at $2 and they immediately jumped on that.

Then they chose some regular washable markers, and decided to splurge on a pack of scented washable markers, too. I mean, who doesn't love to sniff markers!?

Because they're obsessed with cutting, the obviously each needed new scissors. Pink and yellow.

And a new package of construction paper - to cut up, of course!

Then they each chose a Christmas foam kit. H chose a kit that made 24 foam gingerbread houses. B's makes foam birds. They happily agreed to share with each other.

Plus a huge package of glue sticks (we go through glue sticks like cookies around here). And two packages of googly eyes. Because who doesn't love googly eyes?

They were so excited to hand all their items to the lady at the check-out, and watch her ring each thing up. When she gave them the total, H looked at me and said, "Do we have enough money, Momma?"

I explained to her the total amount, and the amount she and B had together, and told her yes (they were pleasantly under budget). They handed over their money and were all too eager to carry their bags to the car.

They looked at each item over and over on the drive home, and immediately got to crafting upon our arrival.

I think I will definitely be doing this more often. Giving them money for certain things and being there as a guide for them if things get tricky. Though they did awesome, I don't even know if they need me, ha! If anything, I was the problem. Because I had to fight the urge to buy other craft things for them that looked cool to me, and just purchase them outside of their "budget." But I didn't. Because this was an awesome teaching and learning lesson for all of us.

They are more than capable for figuring this kind of stuff out and compromising and agreeing with each other. And sticking to a budget.

They're probably better at it than their momma. So it was a good lesson for me, too!

Thankful Tree

This afternoon the kiddos and I made a "Thankful Tree."

It was insightful.

1.) My kids had no idea what the word "thankful" even meant.

2.) They are thankful for strange things...like cows. Maybe that's no so strange. They really like their cheeseburgers.

3.) It is really hard not to interject. There were times that I really wanted to interject and say, aren't you thankful for so-and-so are such-and-such. But I didn't.

4.) I still have OCD tendencies, despite my best to suppress them now that I have babes, and my babes best to suppress them by virtually making them impossible to carry out on a daily basis and still allow us to have a healthy, happy home and relationship. In other words, I did. not. touch. the. tree. I helped cut pieces out and put tape on the back, but they taped it all up and put the leaves where they wanted them. And I. did. not. touch. it. Or "fix" it to make it look the way I envisioned.

Anyway, here's their tree:

And because you're probably curious, the things they're thankful for are, in nor particular order:

1.) Pigs
2.) Cows
3.) Pirates
4.) Princesses
5.) Pancakes
6.) Ballet
7.) Singing and Dancing
8.) Grandparents
9.) Marshmallows
10.) Train rides
11.) Parties
12.) Olivia
13.) Horses
14.) Mommy
15.) Papa
16.) Giving to others
17.) Snow
18.) B
19.) H
20.) Soccer
21.) Lollipops
22.) Pumpkins
23.) Dinosaurs
24.) Fuzzy Boots
25.) Tia C
26.) Restaurants
27.) Nursies
28.) Toys
29.) Dresses
30.) Gymnastics
31.) Trees
32.) Play-dough
33.) Making cake
34.) Jokes
35.) Crafts
36.) Books
37.) Music
38.) Nino and Nina
39.) Hugs
40.) Butterflies
41.) Train rides
42.) Aunt B
43.) Hippos
44.) Our house
45.) Sleeping with momma and papa

And wow. I didn't realize how many things they came up with until writing this out. So now I'm impressed. With everyone and everything.

And I'm thankful.

Oh-so thankful for more than I could ever possibly write down. But the top of my list is certainly H and B. And J. Because he's pretty stellar, too.

Netflix is amazing!

We just got Netflix.

I know what you're thinking, "Everyone under the sun has Netflix! And cable, etc., etc."

Well, not true.

J and I haven't had cable or anything other than TV with an antenna since we first got together. We almost didn't even have a TV, but then we changed our mind about a week before we got married. I mean, what were we going to do without a TV? Talk to each other!? Psh! We'd just spent a year doing NOTHING but talking (which caused for us to not make any friends on our marriage retreat because we legitimately new every single one of the "Newlyweds Game" questions about each other. But that's for another day...)

Anyway. We got a TV. We both agreed we were too cheap for cable or otherwise, though. We didn't really watch enough TV to make it worth it, and even if we did, we could afford a nice, small mini-vacation with what we'd pay for cable each year. Or a decent chunk of a real vacation. We like travelling more than sitting on our bums, so it made sense for us.

I will admit that after H was born I thought about cable for a bit. Because at that point I was watching TV all the time. I mean, babies are boring. Sweet, but boring. I was in a big ol' house and didn't know anyone at that point in my life. So I got to be friends with the hosts of the Today Show. Ellen became my homegirl and I watched more soap operas than I even realized existed.

And then H hit like 5 months old and things got more fun and she was awake more and the TV went off because I didn't want her watching it.

So flash forward to now.

When the kids go to bed, J and I chill out in front of the TV. We drink a glass of wine, we talk about our day, etc., etc. But the TV is on.

And TV is getting crappy these days. So we were red boxing it more and more. We finally agreed it was worth it to buy the Blu Ray player so we could access Netflix through our TV (yes, we didn't even own a Blu Ray player! You'd probably die if I told you we didn't have a microwave either, eh?).

Best. Decision. Ever.

Netflix has Eureka. And Dexter. And Dawson's Creek.

Omg, Dawson's Creek! I've seen roughly 5 or 6 episodes of Dawson's Creek. It came out when I was 10. So by the time I was old enough to be interested in it, it was going out. And I'm one of those crazy nuts who has to start something, even a TV series, from the beginning. I can't just hop in in the middle.

The kids' love it because now their one allotted Daniel Tiger for the day can be watched at anytime. It doesn't have to be at 1pm. I haven't checked yet to see if it has Charlie and Lola, but I'm thinking it's better to never know. Charlie and Lola is their most current obsession. We rent the DVDs and check out books from the library. They get to watch it in the car. And they're obsessed. Oh, so obsessed. So I'm okay with none of us ever knowing if it can be viewed inside, ha!

Netflix is seriously amazing. I know it's not a new thing; not by a long shot. But I'm always the last person to get on the bandwagon for technology stuff anyway. So it's totally new for me.

And it's awesome. There is no surfing through the channels, wishing something worth watching is on after the babes are in bed, knowing that nothing is.

Now we just get to click, click, click and watch! And it's something worth watching!

Like Dawson's Creek, bahaha!

A Disney Surprise for H & B

We took the H & B to see Disney Junior Live! Pirates and Princess Adventure today.

Mostly I'm so incredibly impressed with myself because I kept it a surprise. And I'm terrible with surprises.

They were stoked. Like so over the moon happy that when H first realized where we were going the look on her face brought tears (happy ones!) to my eyes! There is nothing that I love than seeing pure joy on my babes' faces.

We started the day off with a late morning of 6am, despite daylights saving times. I'm attributing it to the late night trick or treating two nights before, and being all hyped on ridiculous amounts of sugar.

We ventured up to the capitol while the kiddos got their Charlie and Lola on in the back seat. I got to listen to Lola talk about her very old friend who is as old as the dinosaurs. She's 25...

We'll just pretend that I'm not also 25...

I talked Turkey Day plans over the phone with my own dad, and then just like that, we were there. To a world of 1.5 hours of Magic. Almost as good as Disney World. Okay, okay, I did say almost.

H was completely enthralled the first act while Sofia filled the stage. She kept looking at me and squealing that it was Sofia! B continuously asked for Jake. Eventually Jake came on and B "Aargh, matey!" his little heart out, while singing and dancing. It was a hoot.

It's funny in so many ways, how Disney-fied we've gotten. I've always been leery of the princessification of little girls. I blame it all on Madonna Kolbenschlag. Google her. I'm not anti-princess, but I'm not really in love with them either. And yet Miss H has tip toed over into that world anyway.

J is anti anything that specifically markets itself toward little kids. Which obviously includes Disney.

But I loved Disney as a kid. So I'm by no means anti-Disney. Heck, we went to Disney in July and were freaking on top of the world over it. Those are some of my best memories with H & B. The whole experience was so incredibly magical and I cannot wait to do it again someday.

Of course, when I brought up this show, J was less than interested. Because of the marketing to kids thing. And because we don't have cable so he wasn't sure how into it the kids would be.

Um, yeah...they've only seen a few Jake and Sofia episodes while travelling and at other people's houses. But that's all they've needed. They're hooked.

And the experience was awesome!

Afterward we went to the Tilted Kilt for lunch. J looked at me cross-eyed and asked if I knew what it was. I was all, "Look where we are standing. Our options are Kilroys, Hooters or the Tilted Kilt. I'm hungry and totally not insecure. Let's go!" And the food was delicious.

H was having some serious behavior issues, and so we excused ourselves several times so she could collect herself in privacy, per her request. Each time I would ask her what I could to help her feel better so that she would want to be more amicable, she'd answer "Just hug me and kiss me." So I did. Several times.

Of course, we pushed it too far with being busy and went to Menards once we got back to town where H just lost her ever loving mind and we spent a good 20 minutes in the parking lot where she screamed and raged and we just stood and soothed and gave her a safe place to let it out. After that she was totally cool to go.

All in all it was a fantastic, extraordinary day.

And so worth keeping it a surprise.