A few pictures and a few photography lessons for me to remember

On the way to the library yesterday afternoon I told the kids we were going to stop off at the FS mall since they were wearing their matching gingerbread outfits (their choice) and the mall is done up so beautifully for Christmas. (You may or may not be able to tell in the pics, but I happened to make these outfits at the end of August. Baaaaad idea. Mr. B has grown a toooon since then. I had to add red cuffs to the bottom of his pants and they're only barely long enough. And I didn't even think about the waist, but I also need to go in and make a new, higher, waistband so they're not such low-waist pants on him, ha!)

I learned three important things on this endeavor.

1.) The lighting in there is terrible.

2.) I do not have the proper lens, etc., to work with such awful lighting and make it look great. (Note to self: Do some research. Figure out what is needed to remedy the lighting issue so next year we can try again.)

3.) White is never a good color to wear in photographs. Ever. But especially in bad lighting. (Obviously that wasn't something I was thinking of when the kids chose gingerbread fabric and I paired it with white...)

Anyway. Here is what salvageable. At least they had fun and my little models make anything awesome.

This might be one of my favorite pics of Miss H. But it was taken in another area where there was good light...and subsequently not the adorable decorations.

Playing the Lottery

I'm not a gambling kind of girl. Never have been. The odds are rarely in my favor. And besides, I'm more comfortable with a sure-thing.

I hate surprises. I hate not knowing. Mostly, I'm just a control freak. I know that. I'm working on it. Some days I do better than others.

Today applications for the next school year for our one and only charter school opened up. I submitted H's.

J and I toured the school a few weeks ago. On a whim. I've currently got a grade 1 Waldorf curriculum sitting on my lap that I've been reading through.

My plan has always been to homeschool.

Well, not always. But for the past 2.5 years solidly. It's still my plan really.

H has been wanting more and more academic "school" lately, so although she is loving her kindy class, she comes home demanding more from me. And so we spend hours reading and writing and spelling in fun, creative, hands-on ways because she begs for it, but I'm definitely a big enough person to admit I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing. Hence the curriculum. I have no grandiose plans of following it to a T, but it's all ready given me a ton of ideas and help that I'm not sure I would have ever come up with on my own. And helped to point me toward emotionally appropriate, but higher level reading materials for her. Again, I just wouldn't have known.

I really, super love the Waldorf style of learning. It is what the charter school that didn't get pushed through was going to be here.

But we went to check out the other school, and we were both actually so super impressed. We were not expecting that, admittedly.

It's pretty much everything we could have hoped for. I mean, I'd love more nature and outdoorsy (and maybe a 10am start time, because I don't know about 8!), but nothing will ever be perfect. Not even at home.

The school is very whole-child focused. The classrooms are multi-aged. The "work" is mostly self-paced. All the grade levels do math and language arts at the same time so that children can be broken into small groups based on ability, not grade level. Which for H, would be a must. She'd lose her mind doing letters again for a whole year.

It promotes creativity and community. Parents are welcome to be in the classrooms any time they want - no making arrangements beforehand and getting permission. There are no desks for children, but group tables and kids can also (and do!) work on the floor or really anywhere they are most comfortable.

They don't have to ask permission to go to the bathroom. You have no idea how big that is to me. Asking permission to go to the bathroom is so degrading and controlling in so many aspects, that we wouldn't even consider a school (which is most) where this is a rule.

They don't focus or even really talk about standardized testing (though they do participate).

They are non-punitive. Which again, is a really big deal for us.

I could go on and on and on. But really, the fact that J came home and said he liked it is huge. I mean, yes, I want my kiddos home and am pretty particular about their education - socially, emotionally, mentally, and academically - but he is even more hardcore.

So, we're in the lottery now. Playing the odds, which aren't very high.

We haven't even discussed it with H. And we won't, unless she gets a spot. Then we will take her to tour it and listen to her input. And likely give her ultimate say, since we are cool with either option.

And I'm not sure which H would pick. She was very hardcore school this year. But she also tells me she doesn't want to go back next year, despite loving school. She's feeling the effects of being tied down and unable to travel with papa. She misses waking up and saying she want to go to the zoo or to a museum, and having the ability to do so. She misses story time at Barnes and Noble. She misses all of her extracurriculars, which she is just too tired from school to whole-heartedly participate in.

But she does love school. So who knows?

It might not even be a factor anyway. Since we're playing the lottery.

Life is good.

It's been a long while.

It's time to start thinking about Christmas.

We'd been planning on a nice, quiet Christmas with our little quartet (much like our Thanksgiving just was) but now we've made plans to go North (insane, right!?) to spend time with the fam-jam. So we are excited - the kids can hardly contain themselves. Tell them they get to spend a week with their cousin this far in advanced and it's no wonder they're going bonkers.

J's been gone a lot, and is basically gone until Christmas at this point. As is life. We have a million things to do to stay busy per usual. And really, I cannot complain, because he was here Wednesday night, precisely 10 hours after B had ingested copious amount of milk and we had the delightful reminder of just how dairy sensitive he is as he vomited it all over our bed. Yay for easy-remove bed protectors though. H didn't even wake up from the whole ordeal and I didn't have to do anything but pull off a puke-covered t-shirt and B and I snuggled back to sleep while J dealt with the mess. So brownie points for being here when it counts, ha.

The kids are enjoying their ice-skating lessons. Okay, truthfully, H is annoyed she cannot yet perfectly "dance" on the ice, and B just wants to do hockey (where the heck did he learn about that!?). I told B he has to be able to stand on the ice and not crawl on it like a polar bear (yep, I've got that amazing kid) and then we can discuss it. H says she wants to play hockey if B plays hockey. Good times around here are in our future, I foresee.

I scroogingly (yes, I just made up that word) declared we were not buying a Christmas tree this year since we weren't going to be home for Christmas. Joke was on me. Not only did we buy a lovely Christmas tree - we bought TWO! H insisted for an H and B-sized tree that they could decorate without a stool. Why it is imperative they need not a stool, I'm unsure, but it was. So alas, there is a tiny little tree in our breakfast room that made my kids happier than icing - so that's freaking ecstatic.

Now they are eagerly helping to wrap all of the Christmas presents. Who knew such a things was so exciting?

I've recently taken over as head of a volunteering organization, and that has been really fun and kept me on my toes. And busy. B has loved coming and helping me get things sorted.

I've loved having them all to myself this week. It sounds silly, I'm sure, since H is only in school until noon, and B only twice a week, but I've loved having them all day every day. I've loved being busy with them and getting back into our old routines of mini day trips to Indy and long mornings reading. I've missed them, in some weird way.

Things are just so good and beautiful, and my heart is so full every moment that I look at those two little progenies of mine, or that ridiculously handsome husband of mine. Life is good.

Happy Monday!

Sometimes it just takes someone else's view from the outside

It's crazy how quickly and subtly the "norm" can change. And how easy it is to forget and lose sight that things were ever a different way.

When H was a baby and toddler she was a hardcore "Momma's girl." Sometimes it made me feel so badly for J because H literally wanted nothing to do with him. She'd scream bloody murder when I left the two of them to play and went for a quick 5 minute shower.

But after B was born she slowly transitioned to being more stuck to J. Or at least it seemed.

I think in reality it just kind of balanced out. But because she wasn't literally stuck on me 24/7 I didn't fully realize that she was still needing me just as much as him.

I've loved watching this girl grow and thrive. I love seeing her personality develop. I love our amazing relationship that we've built on mutual respect and compassion; I hope that it is able to carry over into those teen and adult years because I know too well how fragile those mother/daughter relationships are. It is the deepest fear of many of my mom friends.

Parenting H has certainly had it's challenges - she's precocious and vivacious and takes just a little more time and patience and empathy than your average tyke. Truth be told, I wouldn't have it any other way. But overall, I find her to be easy. I find this whole parenting thing to be pretty easy most days.

And that's why God always throws me little curve balls to keep me humble.

The last two months or so when J has actually been home (most of this year he's been out of town for 3-4 weeks each month, only home on the weekends) H has been pushing. My typically sweet, compassionate, respectful child has been whiney, unkind, and disrespectful.

J and I have both known something was up, but we were so far off left base on what it actually was. We first assumed it was her transition into school Then we assumed she just didn't feel like she was getting enough time with J. We carved out huge chunks of time for them to spend lots of 1:1 together. I melted more into the background when J was home so that they could thoroughly enjoy their time with one another. J and I worked deliberately on keeping the kids' routine the same, and at handling discipline (teaching here, always teaching, not punishing) the same as one another.

But the undesirable behavior only escalated. We were a bit at a loss as to how we could help her.

Yesterday seemed to hit its peak. And I know, I know that H at her worst is probably still not even quite so terrible. But she was weepy all through ice skating lessons. She screamed at me in the car that she would never listen to me (and I totally kept my cool). She locked herself in her room and declared she didn't like anyone. She purposefully antagonized her brother until he couldn't take it anymore, and then became inconsolable when he tried to hit her (and missed). J and I were both just at a loss of how to make things peaceful for her, when she was not amenable to any solution or conversation we tried to have with her, and she herself had no solution for how we could help her or why she was behaving as she was.

So yesterday I reached out to a few close people to try and get a different perspective on the situation.

I had just tucked sweet H into bed where she told me she had loved going grocery shopping with just me earlier that evening, and we should do it all the time, which left me feeling slightly perplexed - what kid enjoys grocery shopping? - when I read a message from a fellow momma suggesting maybe it wasn't time with J she was lacking, but time with me.

Obviously my initial reaction was nothing less than, "Preposterous!" But 5 seconds later, when I stopped feeling defensive I was able to nod and say, "Yep, makes total sense."

So J and I sat down and discussed it and immediately the light went off in his head too.

All week long it's just the kids and I. I do everything with them and for them and it is just them and me all the time. When J is home that changes. And obviously we all prefer J to be home, but I was thinking he and H needed more time together so I was fading into the background and H wasn't getting that time with me that she needed on the weekends.

When J would hug me, she'd immediately needed hugged. When I would sit down at my computer because J was playing a board game with her and B, she'd leave the game and just want to sit on my lap. When I'd wonder off to take a shower, there she was, demanding one as well. If I was putting laundry away, she was ever eager to help, even when the alternative was playing with Papa. And you know, when I went to the grocery store, she wanted to go with. And delighted at the end of the day - a day filled with horseback riding lessons and ice skating lessons and lots of books and crafts - that the best part of her day was grocery shopping.

It was for sure an eye opening moment.

So this morning H and I snuggled in bed together for a long while and read books and told stories. She was eager to go make breakfast with Papa while I took a nice long shower - alone. Then we ate breakfast and drank coffee and truly enjoyed one another and she was amicable to playing on her own while I did puzzles with B and J ran errands. And the kids and I made pumpkin muffins together before J took them outside to help build their playhouse. And there was no whining or crying, or disrespectful words. Just more typical sweet, loving little girl.

It seems that every time I feel we must have taken a wrong turn on this parenting path because perhaps we may be raising a sociopath, we find the resolution to our issues and it is always, always so much simpler than we ever think it is.

And it's always improved with a whole lot of love and empathy.

No, David!

Last week while we were at Barnes and Noble B picked up the book titled "No, David!" and asked me to read it to him.

I love reading to both of my children, but unlike H, B wasn't into being read to until he was well over two, so I sort of relish that precious time with him because I once worried he wouldn't enjoy being read to or reading. Ever.

If you have small children, or have ever simply browsed the children's section of a book store or library you've probably come across the book "No, David!" It's actually won some awards or something.

Anyway, as soon as we began reading it, my heart kind of sank. It is, as you can imagine, a whole book where David is being told "no." For everything. He's even put in the corner and sent away. It's really sad. Little David even cries. It end with "Yes, David, Mommy loves you" or something like that.

Well, with how sad the whole book is, I'm not sure how poor David is supposed to know his momma loves him. She's always saying no and scolding him.

I really, really worried B was going to find this book to be great because of the mischievous little boy.

So I was really surprised when after the second page he looked up at me with those big brown eyes and said, "This is so sad. Why David's momma not nice?"

I nodded, and instead of getting on my soapbox with my 3 year old, I said, "What's the problem with what is going on?"

B would explain the situation to me on each page from David's perspective, and then tell me what David's momma did that was not nice. And I'd ask him how he thought David's momma should have handled it.

Let me tell you, if ever you question how you parent your children, or wonder if they see you as a big meanie, read this book and have your kids reflect on it. It's very eye opening. Because I so very often think I'm too impatient or quick to frustrate or too strict with my kids. Yet little B sat here and told me just how each situation should be handled: gently, patiently, calmly, with kind words. And after each time he'd explain this to me he'd smile that melt-your-heart-smile at me and say, "Just like you, Momma. You're always nice. Even when you say you're so frustrated. Why doesn't David's mom love him like that?"

Trust me, I wanted to explain to him that David's mom probably truly did love him just as I loved B (this was an "autobiography" book of sorts of the author's), but story time began before I could get that far. Probably much to B's relief, ha.

It seems like any time I ever begin to have a glimmer of doubt about what I'm doing with these sweet babes, how I'm doing it, God snaps me out of it real quick with some good honest preschooler feedback.

I think I will have to keep "No, David!" in my pocket to bring out when I start wondering if I'm veering off track being the type of parent my kids deserve. Because if I ever read that book to them and they think the way David is being treated is acceptable, well, then I will know it's time to stop and shift focus.

Because I want there to be a lot more "yes" in our book. And I want the love to show on every page, not just the last one.

"The Smart Girl"

I had a good friend tell me recently that she was surprised I was "still doing the stay at home mom thing." Truthfully, I was kind of caught off guard, and told her so.

She meant well. She said she didn't mean it negatively, it was just that I was always "the smart girl" - I was going to change the world...instead I was changing diapers.

It kind of stopped me in my tracks. It's not the first time someone has said this to me, but it hasn't happened in at least a year.

I hate that label. "The Smart Girl." Because it's one I feel like I will never truly live up to. Sure, school was easy for me. College was a breeze and I rarely cracked open a book or attended class and still graduated with a double major and honors.

But what does that even mean?

I was thinking about my own school experience after I dropped H off at kindy this morning. H is so obsessed with spelling right now. It's really fun and awesome to see how her mind works and get to be a part of this learning process with her.

It also emphasizes why I cannot send her to school next year to be so bored academically. It wouldn't be fair to her.

I was thinking about the only class I ever truly felt challenged in throughout my entire academic career - university included. And it was my freshman history class after I transferred to a private school. That history class kicked my ass. It was hard.

You know what I remember from that class?

Nada.

Not. One. Single. Thing.

And history is one of my "things." I love it. I get it. But despite that class being ridiculously challenging for me, I don't remember anything from it.

Maybe I'm an oddity, it wouldn't surprise me, but the only things I remember for school or university were the things that truly interested me.

I remember my creative writing classes to a T. My American and European history classes. I even remember my medical biology class (but shh! Science is not my "thing"...I just liked the parasites!). And of course all of my human rights classes in college - I could recite those to you. And my medical ethics class.

But I enjoyed all those. I thought they might some day be applicable to my chosen career as they were my interests.

Anyway, this discombobulation is me trying to sort out my own kiddos and their needs.

And the how much, even silently, I need to stop labeling them. Because H is all ready on a pedestal with the plaque "The Smart Girl" below her and she doesn't even know it.

We certainly don't give B enough credit sometimes, or expect as much out of him. I'm better than J is at not comparing the two kiddos, but still, it is hard. H knew all her letters and sounds at his age. She could write them all on paper. And she was just starting to string sounds together to sound out words. B knows the later "o". Yep, just "o." And he can write it. But that's it. He does not really possess any interest in knowing more, and I'm not pushing it right now.

The thing is, I don't even know what any of this means. I used to think I had it better figured out it in my head, now I'm not as sure. I mean, I still know they need to have the ability to focus on what interests them and more or less do and learn as and what they please.

But regardless of what they learn and know and love, maybe they'll grow up and just not use those amazing brains to change the world. And then what?

Well, then, they'll just be awesome. Like they are now. As long as they're doing what they love.

Maybe they won't change the world, maybe I won't - okay, probably I won't, ha - but maybe they'll change something for the better. Even if it's one tiny thing. And that will be enough. Because regardless of what labels we get stuck with in life, they don't make or break us, and we are enough. They are enough, as is.