I don't like secrets.
At all.
I'm an open book. What you see is what you get.
Secrets are a form of lies in my opinion. Especially secrets between the closest of people - husbands and wives (and husbands/husbands, wives/wives, etc.) There just isn't a reason why they should have secrets. Like ever.
It only dawned on me a few weeks ago that J had kept a huge secret from me.
For 2.5 years.
We didn't find the gender of either of our children until birth. We didn't want to know. You get few surprises in life, so why not let it be one of those great surprises?
J reads radar for his career. He can read ultrasounds and whatnot.
When we went in for our 20 week scan with B, the wand immediately was over his genitalia. I was clueless. I thought it was his head. I obviously cannot read ultrasounds.
I was 110% B was a girl. Like we never even talked about the possibility of him being a boy because I knew so strongly he was a girl. I'd even buy girl clothes while we were at stores for our newest to-be babe. We only talked girl names and finally settled on one mouthful of a name for our second girl. We didn't discuss boy names. At all.
Because B was a girl.
Except he wasn't.
And I realized that J knew.
J knew the whole time while we talked girl names and he handed me the debit card to buy little girl newborn outfits. While I swooned over the idea of matching baby girl dresses and all the sisterly things our kids would do - he knew.
Because J can read ultrasounds.
And he very visibly saw that our little girl was not a little girl at all - but our sweet, sweet boy.
And he never let on.
He kept it a secret.
So that it would still be a surprise for me.
Because he knew how deeply I didn't want to be told beforehand.
Because he loves me more than I will probably ever truly realize.
J knew the whole time our second born was a boy. But he kept it a secret. For me.
And taught me that some secrets are A-Okay. Totally worth it.
And made me realize not for the first time how freaking amazing he is. Because he knew. And he still made sure I got the surprise I wanted, even if he didn't.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
The Golden Rule is a parenting style it seems.
I really despise when people ask what kind of parenting style do I adhere to?
Because the truth is - I don't.
I automatically get labeled as AP (attachment parenting) a lot, because I do seem to follow most of the beliefs of AP.
Though I'll admit it wasn't all on purpose.
I don't even fully know all the principles of AP. I've never read a book over it. But I know it seems to be the "crunchy" way of parenting. I know it's based on nurturing, respecting, and being attentive of your child's needs at all times, not just when it's convenient for you.
Most AP parents seem to embrace pregnancy and child birth. They prepare and aim for a natural med-free birth. I did this, of course. But because I was strong and powerful and felt very empowered by it all. And because I was a control freak and the alternative terrified me.
It seems most AP parents strongly believe in co-sleeping. I'm neither for nor against it. I'm against CIO, but I don't care where babies sleep. We never planned to co-sleep. It just kind of happened. It was easier, and we [mostly] came to love it. Though I do love that they also now start out in their own beds these days. And B typically makes it all night in his own bed.
I guess AP parents believe in breastfeeding. Though they don't all choose this, obviously. Because how we feed our children is a choice. And all our options are legitimate. And no one should ever feel guilty for choosing to feed their child one way or another. I knew before I ever got pregnant that I wouldn't formula feed. It just wasn't an option for me. My mom breastfed, so that seemed like the natural route for me too. And quite frankly, I'm too cheap for formula. And I liked the convenience of rolling over and popping a boob in the baby's mouth at night. But I really don't care how someone else feeds their kid. And if they do breastfeed, I don't care for how little or how long. J and I originally decided we wanted to breastfeed our kiddos until they were 2 (yes, I'm saying we because I really do feel like this amazing journey has really been a team event). Then 2 rolled around and weaning seemed too difficult and completely unnecessary and everyone was still happy in the relationship so we said fuck it, and here I am, still breastfeeding a 3.5 year old and a 2 year old.
AP parents believe in positive discipline. So instead of always saying "no," tell them what they can do. No hitting or yelling. Again, I never read anything telling me to do this in the beginning, it's just what felt right. I just couldn't imagine causing my kids unnecessary physical, emotional, or mental harm. And spanking and yelling do just that.
I baby wear. That's an AP thing to do. I didn't intend to wear my firstborn 24/7, but I also didn't intend to let her cry 24/7. So something had to give and a baby carrier became the solution to the problem. Though B rarely went into the Ergo because he didn't love to be worn as much as H. And for him, we bought a stroller.
And apparently AP parents don't vaccinate either. Again, these are all just generalities. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would say they are AP who don't necessary fall into all these categories (and I could totally be making these categories up! Again, I've never read an actual AP book). Anyway, I'm not anti or pro-vaccine. But we don't do it. So I guess I fit the mold.
There are other parenting philosophies we take tidbits from.
RIE. We respect our children. We view them as capable human beings.
We let them push their own physical limits and refrain from coddling and shielding and constantly saying "be careful." Unless we foresee true danger, we let them go at it. Even though it seems to terrify most of the other moms at the playgrounds.
We validate their feelings, but we also accept that we don't necessarily have the ability to "fix" their emotions. They are their own emotions to have, and they are allowed to have them. Even if they annoy other people.
I guess you could say in some ways I'm pretty mainstream, too.
I expect my kids to respect me. But that seems incredibly easy since I respect them. And I act accordingly.
The thing is, I could probably pick up any book under the sun and find things I relate to within its pages. And things I don't relate to. Things I downright disagree with.
And I know I couldn't find any book that I 100% agree with every single thing said in it.
And that's kind of a beautiful thing. Knowing that I'm unique. Raising unique kids in a unique way. And really, nothing but time will tell if we're doing it "right." Even then, though, "right" will mean different things for different people. Some will just want their kids to make the A's and attain a college degree and have a lucrative career - happiness aside. Others will want their children to be happy first and foremost doing what they love, even if they're living off of ramen noodles, sharing an apartment with 8 other people while they strive to make it as a musician.
So I don't believe in a specific parenting style: though I will admit that I seem to practice many AP beliefs. But it doesn't mean I strongly believe in them (i.e., co-sleeping, non-vaxing, etc.).
Like all parents, we have our own groove. Our own way of doing things.
And our primary philosophy is simply to listen to our children always; to treat them with respect and compassion; and when in doubt, walk away and take a deep breath. These are our children. They will be the parents of our grandchildren. And I want them to have a good example of how not only to treat other people, but how to treat their own children. I don't ever want them to think that it's okay to be punitive to them. So that's it. Treat our kids the same way we hope they treat others, especially our their own kids.
I guess that sounds a lot like the Golden Rule. Not too bad of a parenting style, I'd say.
Because the truth is - I don't.
I automatically get labeled as AP (attachment parenting) a lot, because I do seem to follow most of the beliefs of AP.
Though I'll admit it wasn't all on purpose.
I don't even fully know all the principles of AP. I've never read a book over it. But I know it seems to be the "crunchy" way of parenting. I know it's based on nurturing, respecting, and being attentive of your child's needs at all times, not just when it's convenient for you.
Most AP parents seem to embrace pregnancy and child birth. They prepare and aim for a natural med-free birth. I did this, of course. But because I was strong and powerful and felt very empowered by it all. And because I was a control freak and the alternative terrified me.
It seems most AP parents strongly believe in co-sleeping. I'm neither for nor against it. I'm against CIO, but I don't care where babies sleep. We never planned to co-sleep. It just kind of happened. It was easier, and we [mostly] came to love it. Though I do love that they also now start out in their own beds these days. And B typically makes it all night in his own bed.
I guess AP parents believe in breastfeeding. Though they don't all choose this, obviously. Because how we feed our children is a choice. And all our options are legitimate. And no one should ever feel guilty for choosing to feed their child one way or another. I knew before I ever got pregnant that I wouldn't formula feed. It just wasn't an option for me. My mom breastfed, so that seemed like the natural route for me too. And quite frankly, I'm too cheap for formula. And I liked the convenience of rolling over and popping a boob in the baby's mouth at night. But I really don't care how someone else feeds their kid. And if they do breastfeed, I don't care for how little or how long. J and I originally decided we wanted to breastfeed our kiddos until they were 2 (yes, I'm saying we because I really do feel like this amazing journey has really been a team event). Then 2 rolled around and weaning seemed too difficult and completely unnecessary and everyone was still happy in the relationship so we said fuck it, and here I am, still breastfeeding a 3.5 year old and a 2 year old.
AP parents believe in positive discipline. So instead of always saying "no," tell them what they can do. No hitting or yelling. Again, I never read anything telling me to do this in the beginning, it's just what felt right. I just couldn't imagine causing my kids unnecessary physical, emotional, or mental harm. And spanking and yelling do just that.
I baby wear. That's an AP thing to do. I didn't intend to wear my firstborn 24/7, but I also didn't intend to let her cry 24/7. So something had to give and a baby carrier became the solution to the problem. Though B rarely went into the Ergo because he didn't love to be worn as much as H. And for him, we bought a stroller.
And apparently AP parents don't vaccinate either. Again, these are all just generalities. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would say they are AP who don't necessary fall into all these categories (and I could totally be making these categories up! Again, I've never read an actual AP book). Anyway, I'm not anti or pro-vaccine. But we don't do it. So I guess I fit the mold.
There are other parenting philosophies we take tidbits from.
RIE. We respect our children. We view them as capable human beings.
We let them push their own physical limits and refrain from coddling and shielding and constantly saying "be careful." Unless we foresee true danger, we let them go at it. Even though it seems to terrify most of the other moms at the playgrounds.
We validate their feelings, but we also accept that we don't necessarily have the ability to "fix" their emotions. They are their own emotions to have, and they are allowed to have them. Even if they annoy other people.
I guess you could say in some ways I'm pretty mainstream, too.
I expect my kids to respect me. But that seems incredibly easy since I respect them. And I act accordingly.
The thing is, I could probably pick up any book under the sun and find things I relate to within its pages. And things I don't relate to. Things I downright disagree with.
And I know I couldn't find any book that I 100% agree with every single thing said in it.
And that's kind of a beautiful thing. Knowing that I'm unique. Raising unique kids in a unique way. And really, nothing but time will tell if we're doing it "right." Even then, though, "right" will mean different things for different people. Some will just want their kids to make the A's and attain a college degree and have a lucrative career - happiness aside. Others will want their children to be happy first and foremost doing what they love, even if they're living off of ramen noodles, sharing an apartment with 8 other people while they strive to make it as a musician.
So I don't believe in a specific parenting style: though I will admit that I seem to practice many AP beliefs. But it doesn't mean I strongly believe in them (i.e., co-sleeping, non-vaxing, etc.).
Like all parents, we have our own groove. Our own way of doing things.
And our primary philosophy is simply to listen to our children always; to treat them with respect and compassion; and when in doubt, walk away and take a deep breath. These are our children. They will be the parents of our grandchildren. And I want them to have a good example of how not only to treat other people, but how to treat their own children. I don't ever want them to think that it's okay to be punitive to them. So that's it. Treat our kids the same way we hope they treat others, especially our their own kids.
I guess that sounds a lot like the Golden Rule. Not too bad of a parenting style, I'd say.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
"You're really frustrating me, too!"
My sweet, lovely, dear Miss H has big feelings. She's sensitive and her emotions are a lot for her to deal with sometimes (and me, too!).
Sometimes this can be especially challenging for me. Mostly because, quite frankly, she's just like me in that aspect. So we tend to feed off of each other.
Luckily for her, and me, I've got 22 years on her, and in my 25 years of life have mostly mastered the ability to properly control and deal with my emotions. I'm human, so it's not perfect. But I'm pretty good.
Lately, with this craptastic cold, she's been even more emotional than typical.
We were in the car for the all of the 3 minute drive to our local community center and she was just having a hard time. Finally, I just pulled the car over and said, "H, would you rather we just go back home? You are really frustrating me."
To my surprise, she replied with, "You're really frustrating me, too!" in a nearly hysterical screech.
I shut my eyes and took a deep breath, reminding myself for the umpteenth time all ready today that I'm the adult. I don't have the right to behave as a child. I owe that much to my children.
"What can I do to help you?" I finally asked.
"You can give me a hug."
I nodded, obviously she couldn't see this. "Okay, I can do that." I put the car in park and did what I suppose would have been the atypical thing in such a situation and got out of my car and walked around to give my child a hug.
After a minute she was fine. She told me she was sorry she was screaming at me (which is why I was frustrated) and she was ready to go play at the community center now.
It's so hard sometimes to remember that she's so little. And she has such big feelings that are overwhelming.
But it's comforting to know that she sees me as her safe place with those big feelings. She knows I will still hug her and love her, even if she's screaming in my face, and I won't punish her for releasing those feelings in a non-desirable manner. Because I can see past the tantrum or "misbehavior" and see the struggling little girl inside. And because she's typically such a sweet little gem that when that is her behavior, I know something is really going awry for her. A serious need is unmet. Even if that need is just some Momma cuddles.
Sometimes this can be especially challenging for me. Mostly because, quite frankly, she's just like me in that aspect. So we tend to feed off of each other.
Luckily for her, and me, I've got 22 years on her, and in my 25 years of life have mostly mastered the ability to properly control and deal with my emotions. I'm human, so it's not perfect. But I'm pretty good.
Lately, with this craptastic cold, she's been even more emotional than typical.
We were in the car for the all of the 3 minute drive to our local community center and she was just having a hard time. Finally, I just pulled the car over and said, "H, would you rather we just go back home? You are really frustrating me."
To my surprise, she replied with, "You're really frustrating me, too!" in a nearly hysterical screech.
I shut my eyes and took a deep breath, reminding myself for the umpteenth time all ready today that I'm the adult. I don't have the right to behave as a child. I owe that much to my children.
"What can I do to help you?" I finally asked.
"You can give me a hug."
I nodded, obviously she couldn't see this. "Okay, I can do that." I put the car in park and did what I suppose would have been the atypical thing in such a situation and got out of my car and walked around to give my child a hug.
After a minute she was fine. She told me she was sorry she was screaming at me (which is why I was frustrated) and she was ready to go play at the community center now.
It's so hard sometimes to remember that she's so little. And she has such big feelings that are overwhelming.
But it's comforting to know that she sees me as her safe place with those big feelings. She knows I will still hug her and love her, even if she's screaming in my face, and I won't punish her for releasing those feelings in a non-desirable manner. Because I can see past the tantrum or "misbehavior" and see the struggling little girl inside. And because she's typically such a sweet little gem that when that is her behavior, I know something is really going awry for her. A serious need is unmet. Even if that need is just some Momma cuddles.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Farm Fesitval!
This morning the kiddos and I ventured off to a local farm festival for some animal lovin' with our local home school group.
The babes are obsessed with animals. Like mega. How unfortunate that they have a mother that really cannot stand them.
Oh, well. As is life.
When we got to the farm I accidentally rolled down the passenger side window. With gray clouds looming I figured my car was going to be soaked, since it's jankity and takes two people to roll up. Fortunately it didn't rain while we were there and I flagged down an old man later on in the parking lots of B&N to help me out. I digress...
The very first animals we saw were the bunnies. H was absolutely tickled to death. B loved them as well. Though he kept trying to get them to nibble on his fingers because he found it to be hilarious, even though the little old ladies who were caring for the rabbits were terrified he was going to get hurt. I saw "live and learn."
After the rabbits they pet some sheep, which the guy was impressed B knew it was a sheep automatically, as he said even most adults say "goat." We also got in some goat love and got to pet some pigs. H and B were uber stoked to see there was a horse there. That not only could they pet it, they could also brush it!
And there were more rabbits. And turkeys and ducks and geese. We even spotted a beautiful peacock up in a tree.
After more rabbits they got a chance to feed the cows, which B most especially loved. He's all about the cows.
Then we took of for a hay ride, which of course, was the high light of the entire trip.
The babes are obsessed with animals. Like mega. How unfortunate that they have a mother that really cannot stand them.
Oh, well. As is life.
When we got to the farm I accidentally rolled down the passenger side window. With gray clouds looming I figured my car was going to be soaked, since it's jankity and takes two people to roll up. Fortunately it didn't rain while we were there and I flagged down an old man later on in the parking lots of B&N to help me out. I digress...
The very first animals we saw were the bunnies. H was absolutely tickled to death. B loved them as well. Though he kept trying to get them to nibble on his fingers because he found it to be hilarious, even though the little old ladies who were caring for the rabbits were terrified he was going to get hurt. I saw "live and learn."
After the rabbits they pet some sheep, which the guy was impressed B knew it was a sheep automatically, as he said even most adults say "goat." We also got in some goat love and got to pet some pigs. H and B were uber stoked to see there was a horse there. That not only could they pet it, they could also brush it!
And there were more rabbits. And turkeys and ducks and geese. We even spotted a beautiful peacock up in a tree.
After more rabbits they got a chance to feed the cows, which B most especially loved. He's all about the cows.
Then we took of for a hay ride, which of course, was the high light of the entire trip.
We finished off our farm trip with some popcorn and another visit with the bunnies before heading out to hit up story time, because the kids' are bit obsessed and wouldn't have let me live it down if we'd missed it. Even if it were so we could see animals.
Those are owls made out of paper bags. But I know you don't need me to tell you that. I mean, it's obvious. Right?
Despite the incredibly ornery and demanding moods my littles seem to be in today (um...did anyone in this house sleep last night? No...), I'm thoroughly enjoying them. I'm feeling super blessed just to have the ability to do all the fun things with them.
I'm making sure I don't take them for granted.
Monday, September 30, 2013
The truths I want H to know.
Sometimes, when I think about all the things I know and realize now, I wish I'd been told or shown them before I got this far in life.
And I truly hope that I am able to show my own sweet H the truths I wish I'd known.
Such as...
Prince Charming doesn't exist. He's not even a fairy tale. He's a flat out myth. BUT the man (or woman) who she loves so deeply enough to give her whole heart to will be a thousand times better than any story book prince anyway.
Child birth isn't as scary or painful as most people freak you out to be. It's a state of mind, and you'll do beautifully if that's the path you choose. You are strong and capable, and it's your right to have the experience that you want for yourself and your child. No need to fear anything.
Your first kiss shouldn't be under a Sponge Bob blanket on a bus going to a track meet. Let it be something special. Something treasured.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable or sets off those little warning signals in your head - just don't. Don't wear it. Don't say it. Don't do it. You have a conscience for a reason.
Beauty is a state of mind, my love. Not a state of body. And anyone who tells you differently is in a terrible state of mind. God made all things beautiful, which includes you. Always.
Words can build bridges, but they can also bring them crashing down. Choose them wisely. And when you carelessly hurt someone else, be compassionate enough to apologize.
Weakness is not saying you're sorry first - that's strength. Weakness is being too cowardly to never say you're sorry.
You are not responsible for how other people feel. But you have the power to put a smile on their face and lighten their load a wee bit if you care to - and I hope my sweet H, you will care to.
Sex really is worth waiting for. I know it's old school, but it's true. And you need a partner with a fantastic sense of humor for that first time.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to cry in the shower so no one ever knows. But it's also okay to cry in front of people, too.
Travel. See the world. It will teach you more than even good books could - and that's so much.
Give everything your all. Do your best. Even if you fail at something, it's better to be able to say you worked your hardest.
Don't be afraid to fight. Stick up for everything you believe in. But do fight fair.
Forgive. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Holding on to angry and hurt feelings is too draining. Forgiving is so hard sometimes, especially when the pain is deep, but you have to. Because you have a beautiful life to live.
Watching something unjust before you and doing nothing makes you just as bad as the perpetrator.
Marriage is beautiful. It's the most fun you'll ever have with your best friend. But it's also an act of commitment and courage. If you can not confidently say "I do" and know without a doubt it's forever, then don't do it. Marriage is sacred.
Movies lie. Passion is not your matching bra and panty set (who has those?) lying on the stair case while you perform contorted aerobics on a desk. It's snuggled on the couch next to your partner while a sprawled toddler is on your laps, snoring rhythmically while you watch a television show before passing out cold from the beautiful exhaustion of family.
Home is not an edifice. It is not a tangible place. Home is the people you love. And if you remember that, you are always home.
Your crazy and bizarre questions are not so crazy and bizarre. Your friends all have them too. Don't be afraid to talk to them about it. They'll be relieved you brought the subject up first.
Always make time for yourself. Whether you are 3 or 83, everyone needs some space.
Do the things you love. Those will bring you happiness and success. Just remember that your happiness and success will not always even be remotely similar to someone else's.
Don't compare yourself to others. And don't bother worrying yourself about how they are or are not judging you. Focus on you, and everything else will fall into line.
You may not always have what you want, but you'll always have what you need. Don't lose sight of what is important.
No one is perfect. No matter how things may appear, something always has to give. There is no such thing as perfection.
And I truly hope that I am able to show my own sweet H the truths I wish I'd known.
Such as...
Prince Charming doesn't exist. He's not even a fairy tale. He's a flat out myth. BUT the man (or woman) who she loves so deeply enough to give her whole heart to will be a thousand times better than any story book prince anyway.
Child birth isn't as scary or painful as most people freak you out to be. It's a state of mind, and you'll do beautifully if that's the path you choose. You are strong and capable, and it's your right to have the experience that you want for yourself and your child. No need to fear anything.
Your first kiss shouldn't be under a Sponge Bob blanket on a bus going to a track meet. Let it be something special. Something treasured.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable or sets off those little warning signals in your head - just don't. Don't wear it. Don't say it. Don't do it. You have a conscience for a reason.
Beauty is a state of mind, my love. Not a state of body. And anyone who tells you differently is in a terrible state of mind. God made all things beautiful, which includes you. Always.
Words can build bridges, but they can also bring them crashing down. Choose them wisely. And when you carelessly hurt someone else, be compassionate enough to apologize.
Weakness is not saying you're sorry first - that's strength. Weakness is being too cowardly to never say you're sorry.
You are not responsible for how other people feel. But you have the power to put a smile on their face and lighten their load a wee bit if you care to - and I hope my sweet H, you will care to.
Sex really is worth waiting for. I know it's old school, but it's true. And you need a partner with a fantastic sense of humor for that first time.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to cry in the shower so no one ever knows. But it's also okay to cry in front of people, too.
Travel. See the world. It will teach you more than even good books could - and that's so much.
Give everything your all. Do your best. Even if you fail at something, it's better to be able to say you worked your hardest.
Don't be afraid to fight. Stick up for everything you believe in. But do fight fair.
Forgive. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Holding on to angry and hurt feelings is too draining. Forgiving is so hard sometimes, especially when the pain is deep, but you have to. Because you have a beautiful life to live.
Watching something unjust before you and doing nothing makes you just as bad as the perpetrator.
Marriage is beautiful. It's the most fun you'll ever have with your best friend. But it's also an act of commitment and courage. If you can not confidently say "I do" and know without a doubt it's forever, then don't do it. Marriage is sacred.
Movies lie. Passion is not your matching bra and panty set (who has those?) lying on the stair case while you perform contorted aerobics on a desk. It's snuggled on the couch next to your partner while a sprawled toddler is on your laps, snoring rhythmically while you watch a television show before passing out cold from the beautiful exhaustion of family.
Home is not an edifice. It is not a tangible place. Home is the people you love. And if you remember that, you are always home.
Your crazy and bizarre questions are not so crazy and bizarre. Your friends all have them too. Don't be afraid to talk to them about it. They'll be relieved you brought the subject up first.
Always make time for yourself. Whether you are 3 or 83, everyone needs some space.
Do the things you love. Those will bring you happiness and success. Just remember that your happiness and success will not always even be remotely similar to someone else's.
Don't compare yourself to others. And don't bother worrying yourself about how they are or are not judging you. Focus on you, and everything else will fall into line.
You may not always have what you want, but you'll always have what you need. Don't lose sight of what is important.
No one is perfect. No matter how things may appear, something always has to give. There is no such thing as perfection.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Hold your babes a little tighter tonight.
In the past week I've had three friends, or friends of friends, lose their children. It really makes me want to pull my babies close to me and never let them go.
One sweet child was just a newborn who passed away from SIDS. A life lost before it had hardly began.
Another a 3 year old who was in a car accident with his momma. His momma walked away from the with hardly a scratch. I cannot even imagine what it was like to walk away without her dear boy in her arms.
And the third a sweet 5 year old who lost her battle with a terminal disease.
I can't even began to imagine these families grief. It breaks my heart. It makes me sit down and sob for these sweet angels; for their parents.
It makes me feel awful for being cross with my own sweet girl and not truly cherishing every second I am blessed with her. Or for scolding B for behaving wildly. You know, for treating my children like normal children. Which there is nothing wrong with.
But tonight I laid with each of them a little longer than I needed while they drifted into slumber land. I inhaled their sweet scents and truly thanked God for giving me two perfect, healthy, little miracles.
So give your babes an extra kiss tonight. Hold them just a little bit closer. Because we just never can be certain what tomorrow will hold.
One sweet child was just a newborn who passed away from SIDS. A life lost before it had hardly began.
Another a 3 year old who was in a car accident with his momma. His momma walked away from the with hardly a scratch. I cannot even imagine what it was like to walk away without her dear boy in her arms.
And the third a sweet 5 year old who lost her battle with a terminal disease.
I can't even began to imagine these families grief. It breaks my heart. It makes me sit down and sob for these sweet angels; for their parents.
It makes me feel awful for being cross with my own sweet girl and not truly cherishing every second I am blessed with her. Or for scolding B for behaving wildly. You know, for treating my children like normal children. Which there is nothing wrong with.
But tonight I laid with each of them a little longer than I needed while they drifted into slumber land. I inhaled their sweet scents and truly thanked God for giving me two perfect, healthy, little miracles.
So give your babes an extra kiss tonight. Hold them just a little bit closer. Because we just never can be certain what tomorrow will hold.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Spanking is narcissistic.
I loathe when people say that parents who (wisely) choose not to spank, do not discipline their children.
I also despise that people believe that discipline is synonymous with punish, but that's a different rant.
Let's just call a kettle a kettle: Spanking is narcissistic.
It's lazy, irresponsible parenting that people who lack self-discipline turn to, typically as a relief for their own frustration, because it provides them a few moments of satisfaction and temporarily stops a child's behavior (or doesn't). It's used when people would rather "fix" a short term problem instead of helping their child come up with long-term solutions that will benefit their whole person.
Because let's be honest, true discipline is hard, hard work. It demands patience, commitment, involvement, creativity and more of that hard, hard work. It's not for the weak of heart.
It takes two seconds to respond to an ornery child and get the quick fix you want by smacking them. It takes a few extra minutes to offer a calm-down and a solution (and sometimes in public, with people watching - oh, the embarrassment and the horror!). If the child is in a particularly challenging mood, it could take much longer than a few minutes. And for some reason that kind of commitment to our kids is just too much to ask for. I mean, 90% of children in the US are still spanked regularly, so that speaks volumes on our willingness to truly commit to disciplining our children (and by this, I mean role model, role model, role model!).
Not to mention that we have overwhelming data that proves how damaging spanking is. I know lots of people use the "Well, I was spanked and I turned out fine" or "My parents spanked me and I never doubted their love" logic, but plain and simple: it's crap. Spanking damages the brain. It literally reduces the gray brain matter and therefore intelligence, learning, sensory perception, speech, muscular control, emotions and memory of the person being spanked. So even if you're "fine" - you could have been "great." And you owe great to your children.
Research consistently links corporal punishment with aggression in children, poor academic performance, depression, and anti-social tendencies, which includes the harming of animals. No one wants that for their kiddos.
Children learn by example. By watching their parents. The only example a spanking gives, no matter how "lovingly" it's given, or how much you talk with the child afterwards and pour more love onto them, it only shows bullying, fear and violence. It teaches children to control others and to relieve their frustration by hitting. Preferably someone who is smaller and more vulnerable than them, and looks up to them for everything. Why would you want to teach your child that it's okay to hit someone just because you're bigger? And then we wonder why there is such a growing "trend" of bullying. Because it's first learned in the home.
And once a spanking is given, it can never be taken back. So we have to work just that much more hard at parenting to help make it right.
So yes, spanking is narcissistic. It's a narcissistic act that parents carry out solely to make themselves feel better for a very short period of time.
And it's wrong.
I also despise that people believe that discipline is synonymous with punish, but that's a different rant.
Let's just call a kettle a kettle: Spanking is narcissistic.
It's lazy, irresponsible parenting that people who lack self-discipline turn to, typically as a relief for their own frustration, because it provides them a few moments of satisfaction and temporarily stops a child's behavior (or doesn't). It's used when people would rather "fix" a short term problem instead of helping their child come up with long-term solutions that will benefit their whole person.
Because let's be honest, true discipline is hard, hard work. It demands patience, commitment, involvement, creativity and more of that hard, hard work. It's not for the weak of heart.
It takes two seconds to respond to an ornery child and get the quick fix you want by smacking them. It takes a few extra minutes to offer a calm-down and a solution (and sometimes in public, with people watching - oh, the embarrassment and the horror!). If the child is in a particularly challenging mood, it could take much longer than a few minutes. And for some reason that kind of commitment to our kids is just too much to ask for. I mean, 90% of children in the US are still spanked regularly, so that speaks volumes on our willingness to truly commit to disciplining our children (and by this, I mean role model, role model, role model!).
Not to mention that we have overwhelming data that proves how damaging spanking is. I know lots of people use the "Well, I was spanked and I turned out fine" or "My parents spanked me and I never doubted their love" logic, but plain and simple: it's crap. Spanking damages the brain. It literally reduces the gray brain matter and therefore intelligence, learning, sensory perception, speech, muscular control, emotions and memory of the person being spanked. So even if you're "fine" - you could have been "great." And you owe great to your children.
Research consistently links corporal punishment with aggression in children, poor academic performance, depression, and anti-social tendencies, which includes the harming of animals. No one wants that for their kiddos.
Children learn by example. By watching their parents. The only example a spanking gives, no matter how "lovingly" it's given, or how much you talk with the child afterwards and pour more love onto them, it only shows bullying, fear and violence. It teaches children to control others and to relieve their frustration by hitting. Preferably someone who is smaller and more vulnerable than them, and looks up to them for everything. Why would you want to teach your child that it's okay to hit someone just because you're bigger? And then we wonder why there is such a growing "trend" of bullying. Because it's first learned in the home.
And once a spanking is given, it can never be taken back. So we have to work just that much more hard at parenting to help make it right.
So yes, spanking is narcissistic. It's a narcissistic act that parents carry out solely to make themselves feel better for a very short period of time.
And it's wrong.
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