People annoy me

People annoy me. To quote a good friend, "people should annoy you because generally they're lame." It's true. I'm not an exception either, without a doubt I'm generally lame, too. I'm okay with that.

But what really annoys me is how people are so freaking defensive. We would rather go on making the same mistakes our parents did because we can't admit that - gasp! - our parents weren't always right. I don't get it. At all.

I love my parents. Truly and deeply. I respect them. But I have zero qualms admitting that I do not agree with the way I was raised. At all.

I'm not saying my parents are bad. Just wrong. To me. Plenty of people would agree with how they raised their children and that's cool.

Though it never ceases to amuse me how so many people - family, friends, and strangers alike love to criticize and tell me how my parenting choices are wrong. Honestly, criticize away. I feel very confident in my decisions, so others throwing their insecurities at me doesn't bother me at all. Besides, I've met a fair share of kids in my life. I see how they turn out. How confident and independent (or not). How good their relationships legitimately are (or not) with others. It's crazy surprising how many people truly believe they have great relationships with their children, both young and grown, and they have no idea. They don't. Their kids give them just enough so that they think they are hunky dory. It's more common than most realize.

Anyway, it seems that those who criticize the most, also praise the most. I've gotten a LOT of grief over the very non-processed, typically organic diet my family eats. Along with not vaccinating and breast feeding for the natural duration. Whatever. It's not for everyone. But I can't help but roll my eyes and laugh when those so against my choices can't believe how incredibly healthy my kids are. They've had the common cold once. And other than teething related illnesses, that's it. And I'm NOT a germaphobe. I don't wash my hands every hour. I let my kids eat their dropped food from the floor. They have no idea what bleach or hand sanitizer is. Yeah, I'm doing something terribly wrong.

But the best one is how I "discipline" my children. First off, the word discipline is derived from "disciple". It means to show the correct way. It is not synonymous with punish, though few people realize that. We try very strongly not to engage in punitive parenting. And we are doing so much better at it now than 6 months ago. And -surprise! - our babes are sooo much better behaved, naturally courteous, and overall charming to be around. I have more than one family member who happily tells me my children will grow up being rude, bad people. Um, yes? Because they are rude, bad children? No. They simply think all children should be spanked, yelled at, bribed and threatened. Well, obviously if you have to do those things, numerous times, they are not working. Not to mention that those are the authoritarian actions that tend to produce the best sheeple. But maybe that's the goal for some.

Children are people too. They are learning as they go. It's our job to guide them. Lovingly. Each time you hit your child you are teaching them that violence is okay. If you are bigger. When you yell you teach them that it's okay to take out your anger and frustration on other people. It's okay to make others feel bad. When you bribe or threaten you are virtually saying, "I know I haven't taught you mutual respect, only respect through fear, so I know you won't do as I ask unless I make it worth your while it scare you with punishment."

That all being said, I'm sure there are many people okay with raising their kids that way.

I'm not one of them.

Luckily, I can learn from others mistakes. I can learn from my own.

My kids aren't perfect. My girl is what they call "high spirited". I call her vivacious. She's stubborn and strong willed and very opinionated. Yes, that can make parenting her challenging at times. But I know if my goal is to raise her to be strong and loving, not to "break" her so she always shows immediate obedience, she will be a kick ass leader some day.

Children learn by how we act. How we treat them. I don't want my babes to think that violence or screaming is acceptable. I don't want them to ever think that compliance without thinking or questioning is right. After all, the Holocaust couldn't have happened if their had been more people who questioned their orders instead of just armies full of sheeple.

Yes, people annoy me. Daily. That doesn't mean I love or like those people any less. Mostly it means I don't understand their trains of thoughts or actions.

And that's okay. I don't have to understand unless someone wants me to and takes the time to explain. We all have our own beliefs and ideas and goals and wishes for the outcomes of ourselves and our kids.

Some just really annoy me. But I'm sure I annoy plenty of people too, so it all balances out.

"I fear a world run by adults who were never spanked as children." Really!?

So there is this little picture-thing on facebook (what the heck are they called??) going around that says something like, “I fear a world run by adults who were never spanked as children.”

Really? I mean, really?

What a thing to fear.

Some of the best people I know were never hit as children. They are the most secure, academically and financially (career) best off. They have the least anxiety and depression issues. But okay.

Some of the wealthiest countries, such as Sweden, also have the lowest rates of crime, poverty, and emotional disorders. Guess what. It’s illegal to spank your child there. Coincidence? I think not.

And really, it makes sense.  I mean, if an adult were to hit another adult it is called assault. That is punishable by fine and/or jail time. That’s pretty serious.  If a child hits another child they are immediately reprimanded and oftentimes punished because as parents, we feel it necessary to teach our children not to hit since it is mean. And God forbid a child hit an adult. Just the idea of it is crazy. It’s an absolutely intolerable act.

And yet when a parent hits a child, a person a fraction of their size, a person most susceptible to the damages of inconsistencies, we get a pat on the back and commended for “being a parent.” Definitely showed that kid who is boss.

If we are supposed to teach our children that hitting is wrong, then what in the world is hitting them teaching? It’s only okay to hit if you’re bigger? It’s only okay to hit if you don’t like what the other person has done? Hm…that’s pretty inconsistent to me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not perfect. Not always consistent. I just think the whole idea of spanking is screwy from the start. I can accept that people get super frustrated and lose their shit. That’s honestly about the only time spanking makes “sense” to me. Still not right, but I get it.

What’s super twisted is when people say you should never spank out of anger. Wait until you’ve calmed down and are rational, then spank. WTF? What kind of rational human being thinks, “Oh, I should hit my kid. I’ve only got 20+ years on him and at least 100 lbs, I obviously cannot come up with a better solution to handle this situation than with physical violence.”  Terrific.

But really, regardless of my feelings toward the whole subject I really don’t care if someone actually does choose to spank their kid. I’m not going to lose any sleep over it and I’m not going to stop talking to you (but you may me after you read this) or being your friend. I do however, find a statement that you actually fear a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids to be a tad bit ridiculous. Okay, a whole lot ridiculous.

There are some much greater things in this world to fear. Rather the adult next to me was ever hit as a kid just doesn’t make my list. Or if the kid in my daughter’s preschool class gets smacked for hitting, that’s really not my business (unless it’s actual abuse).

So yeah, I have a lot of fears about the way the world is run and by whom it’s run…but how they were disciplined (or lack thereof) as kids, just isn’t one of my fears. Just saying.

We don't say "no" to our kids

Okay, that's totally a lie! You are probably thinking "WTF?", right?

But really, we try really hard not to say "no." Obviously, we say it. A lot. More than I wish we did some days. But we try to give as many "yes" options as possible.

If Miss H is coloring and suddenly she starts wandering toward a wall or something, instead of saying "Don't color on the walls!" I say "You can color on the paper or in a coloring book. Otherwise, Mommy is putting the crayons up." I try my best to give her better options, and to also clearly let her know what the consequence is if she can't make a better decision.

Now, I'm not perfect. Sometimes I just say "no." Sometimes I'm just too annoyed or spent, and just plain out say "no" with no explanation, no choices. Nothing. And then I typically feel bad about it later. Especially when it's like "Stop kicking me!" (Don't worry, she isn't Satan. She doesn't just randomly kick me. But when she gets into a good tantrum and I get close enough, I'd be a liar if I said it never happened.) More often than I'd like to admit, I probably yell this too. Not scream it, but say it way louder than ever necessary. And quite frankly, I've learned that the louder I am, the less she listens. So you'd think I'd have learned by now...

I truly hate when other people just flat out tell my children "no" for something. With no explanation. With no other option. And without clearly telling them at the very least what the consequence is if they continue doing x (because I really do not believe in consequences with some kind of warning for the most part).

Yep, I'm a crazy, hokey parent. I'm okay with that. Occasionally my children act out. They do not always listen (which, admittedly, drives me insane!). They're not perfect. They certainly have their moments.

But for the most part, they are extremely well-behaved. We are complimented on a nearly daily basis on how well-behaved our children be, whether it be at church or a restaurant. Just today while we were at the fire station looking at the trucks, the fireman was amazed that Miss H was only 2. He kept saying, "She is so well-mannered. She speaks so well." She said her "pleases" and "thank yous" appropriately.

Sure, sometimes she forgets her manners. But it's pretty rare. And her meltdowns and slip-ups tend to be when we are with a lot of people, especially people she does not know well.

But that's okay.

Miss H is 2. She is a child, who with time, will learn. I will not train her like a puppy as I've heard of some people doing. I do not expect her to do as I say all the time, she's got her own agenda! And if we're being honest, I don't want her to be the kind of person you tell to jump and they reply with "How high?"

Sure, my job as a mom might be a bit more difficult, but I hope she questions everything, and continuously. I hope she refuses to be a follower, even if raising a leader kills me. Or makes me go prematurely gray.

So I'll keep my house a fairly "no-free" zone, and try my best to let her do what she wants (within reason...Jaime about died when I let her wander half way across a school carnival without me today. I could see her at all times, and she was fine.) And let's face it, my expectations of my children in some ways may significantly higher than yours (general "you"), and in others may be significantly lower.

So, although I try hard to never say "no", I certainly do. But I will keep trying not to, even if others think that makes me crazy. But really, unless I told you that we try not to say no, would you have even known?