I cried today.

(Two posts in one day, lucky you!)

I cried today. I never cry. Ever. Not once since I've had my children have I shed a tear.

It's strange, because I cried all. the. time. as a kid. Seriously. I was just one pile of weeping emotions. From the ages of about 8-18, if I were in the shower, you could bet good money I was sobbing my heart out for one reason or another.

And then it was like one day a switch went off and that was that. No more tears. I was stoic and solid and ready to face the world.

Whenever my lack of tears gets brought up J likes to remind me that I shed one single tear when we watched that movie with the dog Marley (maybe it was called "Marley"?) while in England. Mostly he uses it as his case for why we need a dog, but I digress. Other than that, I've never cried around J, if that even counts as crying.

Today I messed up. Badly.

I wasn't going to mention it. I was going to hope it all went away and would be forgotten. But I figured that it wouldn't be fair to make it all sunshine and roses on a blog about parenting.

Because mess-ups happen.

I could blame it on so many things. I want to blame it on so many things - like the the stress of B's lead issues and how draining it is to be parenting solo so much. The fact that my children have learned to fight and bicker and nag each other and all they were doing was fighting and whining. I want to blame it on that. But I won't.

Because in the end I didn't mess up because of any of that. I messed up because I'm human.

I have my own short comings.

After playing "throw the blue berries and stomp on them" and dumping an entire house plant (tree) out of the pot, and then running around screaming about God knows what and then running smack into me as I'm trying to clean up after them and getting a mechanical pencil jabbed into my leg - lead sticking out of my skin and bleeding - the whole 9 yards, I kind of lost it. I screamed. I don't even know what I said exactly to be honest. Something along the lines of "Mommy is losing her freaking mind and I just want everyone to stop destroying everything and just be quiet for five minutes!"

They cried. I never yell, so they sobbed.

And it broke my heart.

And H grabbed B by the hand, dragging him to the playroom saying, "Mommy's really angry."

If your heart could shatter, I'm sure mine did.

Because I knew I'd failed them on so many levels.

They're just babies.

And I legitimately screamed at them. I shattered their beautiful, happy worlds.

When I was reading Miss H her bedtime stories, several hours later, she asked me, "Are you still mad, Momma?"

I told her no. And I apologized for screaming and I told her it wasn't nice of me and I shouldn't have acted that way. She nodded and hugged me, which really only made it that much worse.

I don't want her to be me. Not in that area. I don't want her to let people treat her badly and rip her to pieces and then just forgive them so easily.

Because she deserves better.

And B deserves better.

So, so much better.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I need things to be so good, so perfect for them, that there is no margin for error. And then on those extremely rare occasions that things fall outside the margins of what I find acceptable, it makes it all just that much more devastating.

People yell all the time. I know that. But I don't. I can count on roughly three fingers how many times I've ever raised my voice at my children. J never has.

After I tucked them sweetly in bed and went about cleaning up my house that I'm fairly certain a hurricane struck (not only is everything destroyed, there is suspicious wet stuff all over the floors), I cried.

I probably could have sobbed, but I told myself to suck it up. I'm not a kid.

I'm a mom.

It's so easy to accept and forgive that other people have imperfections. Other people mess up. And we as human beings are so incredibly resilient that these little "hiccups" typically don't have any real impact on the grand scheme of things.

And yet I expect so much more from myself.

Demand it.

I will take it as a learning lesson. A sad one. One I hope to never repeat because I don't think I could ever deal with seeing my children so distraught because Mommy can't keep her shit together.

So there you go, I preach a lot, I practice more, and I fuck up on occasion, too.

What is with the shaming photos of kids on the net?

Dude, what is up with the public humiliation of children? I thought it was bad enough having to witness kids being screamed at, put into time out, and/or spanked in public. But now it's been upped to a whole new level.

Photographs on the Internet.

The first form of this I saw was actually a video of the teenage girl whose father shot her laptop. I won't lie, at the time I thought he was bloody brilliant. The shooting of the laptop that is, not the filming of it and making it available for the world to see. Of course now I don't even agree with the shooting of the lap top. That whole situation, most especially everything that lead up to that moment was just a series of bad parenting, but oh well, not my problem. I'm just appalled he put it on the Internet.

But more than appalled, I'm extremely sad for all these little kids whose photos are being shared all over facebook. Typically they have signs that read of their wrongdoings, or they are with a sibling in a "get along" shirt.

I mean, obviously, I don't agree with sticking your kids in a shirt together as punishment. But I vehemently oppose photographing it for complete strangers to see! How disgusting. If this was done to any other group of people in the world other than children there would be hell to pay for it. People would not laugh, they would cry abuse! But not if it is done to the most fragile and vulnerable group of people in the world - our children.

I saw one photo of a girl holding a sign in the parking lot of Wal-Mar that stated she had back talked to her dad, and this was her punishment. WTF? If you are in the group of people who believe in punishments, why not at least make it be a natural consequence? Standing in a parking lot and having your "misbehavior" told to everyone is extreme humiliation. It doesn't serve the purpose of making the situation better. I can guarantee you that girl does not have remorse for what she did or any more respect for her father. Probably much, much less.

But we also seem to live in a world where fear is often confused as respect, and unfortunately many people are too dumb or simply don't care to see that. And that's sad.

But no worries! Because childism is totally legal. You can humiliate your child each and every way pretty much with no repercussions to yourself (just repercussions to your relationship with your child).

Think of all the kids whose photographs are out there forever now, for the whole world to see, in their most vulnerable state of humiliation and shame. Bravo, parents. Fucking bravo. You should only be so proud...

The most recent photo that has been making its rounds is of a boy, he looks about 9, holding a sign above a PS3 and a Captain America action figure. The sign reads something along the lines of : Because I wasn't grateful to receive this Captain America action figure from church, I have to return my PS3 that I was going to get for Christmas and use the money to buy other people gifts.

Well, they sure taught him.

I can actually respect these parents goal, but they went about it in a terribly horrible way. No way is that boy going to be more grateful next time. If anything, he is going to be far less giving in the future.

And the face on that boy is crushed. You can tell how sad, heart broken, and genuinely shamed he is. But maybe if his parents had taught him gratitude in the first place, this wouldn't have been an issue?

And who even knows what the whole situation was? Was he flat out rude about the gift when he received it? Or was he simply overheard mumbling and grumbling that he all ready had one or that he didn't like it? We'll probably never know. But regardless, publicly humiliating him is disgusting.

It's one thing to discuss your child's misdeeds and punishments with close family or friends. I think everyone does that, and needs to do that. We are not simply raising children, but people.And I think getting feedback on situations and hearing advice from other people is always beneficial, even if not always applicable.

But to announce it to the world: no. To photograph humiliating photos and share it with the Internet: no.

And yet so many people think this okay. I don't get it.

I try to always ask myself before reacting to my children, "Would I treat an adult like this?" If the answer is no, then I shouldn't be treating my child like that.

Would I tell a friend to stop talking? Would I insist a friend go to time-out while she sorts out her emotions? Would I walk away from a friend who was crying and in distress? Would I hit a friend "to teach them"?

Would I photograph a friend's inappropriate behaviour and then display them in all their shame for the world to see?

Hell no!

So why would anyone do that to their child?

Remember, how we treat our children is how they will treat the world when we're not looking. It is how they will treat their own children.

I for one do not want my children to ever think that shaming or humiliating someone is okay, publicly or not.

I believe in a form of eugenics

I'm snuggled in bed between two perfect babies. I'm at my step dad's house while J re-does the stairs in our home. It will be a relief when they're done. Until then I'm single parenting it up in someone else's home. Far more difficult than doing it in my own house, but that's okay. I have some pretty awesome kids who make it worth it.

Which gets me to the point of this blog post.

From the day I got two little signs on that pee stick, every single decision I have made has been with my children's best interest put first. Some would say that I put my children first to a fault. Maybe so.

But I know I could never imagine treating them like some mothers treat their children. I'm not talking about time-outs or spankings, not a healthful diet or such. I'm talking about the mental, emotional, and verbal abuse that happens all too frequently. Those scars aren't visible, so they are often overlooked.

But at the end of the day, they're probably the most damaging.

There should be a test you must pass before becoming a parent. Not one that states you must be a certain age or have a certain income or even parent a certain way, but one that proves that you are in fact mentally stable. Sure, it's a form of eugenics, but whatever. Sure, I wouldn't exist, but nonetheless. I still believe in it.

Being able to tell a 3 year old her daddy threatened to kill her, and then sending her off to spend the summer with him, giving her your warmest regards, should be illegal.

Telling your 13 year old that she is fat and ugly should not be legal. Telling her she is crazy, she's beautiful, when she finally accepts it, should not be legal.

When your child has just birthed a perfect human being, telling her that she can have another baby that is the "better" gender next, but until then she's thrown her life away to be a mom, should not be legal.

Constant degrading, malicious words, and so much more, should not be legal.

Choosing to love one child, but not another, is just sick and should not be legal.

Withholding your motherly love should not be legal.

But it is.

It all is.

And it's even acceptable if you can hide it all in a fancy house and a few over glorified college degrees. If you can hide it under expensive clothes and make up and lots of smiles and words of praise when in front of others.

Yes, I believe in a form of eugenics. A form that would never allow this to happen to children because narcissistic individuals would not be allowed to reproduce.

Because children deserve to be loved. At 4. At 24. At 74. They should be loved by their parents.

When I look at my children, I could never imagine treating them in such a mentally and emotionally abusive way. It never crosses my mind. Sure, when they're absolutely crazy I want to yell or confine them to their rooms. Occasionally I want to spank them. Of course I don't, I know better.

But never have I thought about or even had the slightest desire to degrade my beautiful children. To torment them with disgusting, vile, hurtful words. To control them with my love.

Phrases such as, "What's the matter with you?" Or "Grow up!" aren't appropriate, so obviously words such as, "Are you sure you're going to eat that, you're looking kinda chunky" and so much worse are far from okay to say to your child.

I just don't get it.

Not even a little bit.

And yet it's more common than many would ever suspect.

The damage from words lasts far longer than the damage of bruises. The pain much deeper.

So hold your babies. Love them. Do not be guilty of harming your children with words. Because words can never be unsaid. The damage never undone.

Oh how I believe in a form of eugenics that would prevent this kind of abuse from ever having to be endured by another child. I believe in it deeply.