I really dislike New Year's resolutions. They never seem to actually get fulfilled anyway. But they always get mentioned this time of year. Obviously.
And the more I've thought about it, the more my resolutions seem so simple, and yet so difficult.
First, I want to let go of the guilt. All of the guilt.
Sometimes I'm so focused on my intensely sensitive child that I forget who she got those great big feelings from in the first place.
Her momma.
There is so much guilt.
Guilt for things I have zero control over.
Guilt that I was born a white, middle-class American; and thus will never deal with so many of the devastations I often have to shield myself from in order not to fall to pieces.
I have the privilege of never turning on the news or clicking on the link and being consumed by the horrors occurring in Africa, Syria, and elsewhere if I so choose. I can go about my typical daily life and simply pretend such things don't exist if I wish. And that makes me feel guilty.
I feel guilty I cannot save the world. That there are children who go through horrific events that I can't protect and shelter like I can my own babes. That there are parents who lose their children before their time and I can't save them from that pain.
I feel guilty about absolute first world issues.
That I have a freaking amazing husband and partner. Who is 110% my equal, never gets angry, knows how to stuff a cloth diaper and change a baby one handed and has never grumbled about it, etc., etc. So when other people complain that their spouses won't play with their kids or help clean up messes or even watch their kids so they can go out alone; I feel guilty. I feel guilty like I somehow should be ashamed my husband is truly amazing. Guilty that if I say anything at all in response I just sound like a pretentious bitch. Guilty that anyone has a partner who isn't their equal in the ways it matters.
I feel guilty that I get to stay home with my kids by choice. That I enjoy being home with my kids; even though I'm capable of doing other things. I refuse to say doing "more," because what can be more than raising my children to hopefully be lovely human beings and not sociopaths (but the juries still out, so there are no guarantees on that one!)? But while other people plead for a week, a day alone without kids, I rarely even want an hour. And then I feel guilty; like maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I should want to be without them, and thus am intensely messing up somewhere.
I feel guilty for feeling resentment and frustration toward situations outside of my control.
I feel guilty that I cannot do it all.
I feel guilty that my own person always take priority in absolute last place when it comes to what I most focus on; but I know I'd feel more guilty if I didn't.
You guys, the guilt is strong. So strong. And immense. And heavy.
And the truth is, I just can't fucking do it anymore. I can't feel guilty for things I cannot control.
I can't feel guilty for the things I can control. No, sweet H, you may now own a mesh belly shirt with sparkly shit on it. I understand you want it and you think it is beautiful. I get it. My whole heart is sad that you're sad. But it is still not going to happen. And I will not feel guilty about that. I just cannot afford to anymore.
So I resolve that 2016 is the year that I just let it go. Because I have to.
And second, after the extremely difficult year of 2015, my tiny family needs some peace.
Our hearts need to heal after a year of so. much. loss.
2015 has brought so much grief to our little family in so, so many ways that we simply were never prepared for.
They say when it rains it pours, but in 2015 it was a fucking non-stop hurricane.
We survived. That's what matters. We survived.
But I hope 2016 brings more joy. More peace. More stability. That we are able to get our feet steadily back on the ground and in the direction we'd been headed.
I genuinely hope that the healthy arrival of sweet Doodle Bug helps us all find a little peace. That s/he soothes my soul in ways that are much needed. A tiny little rainbow born amongst the storm.
So no, I don't like resolutions. The truth is; I probably won't lose 50 lbs. I likely won't consume less coffee despite my best intentions. I'll still utilize my phone as a lifeline to the outside world even though I know better. I won't be any better at staying in touch with people even though it'd be nice.
But hopefully I can kick the guilt (what a useless emotion anyway) and find the peace. And if not; there's always next year.
