Little Moments

Don't you love it when you are finally able to pin point exactly what is causing your anxiety?

I've been so worried upset anxious about leaving the kids and I couldn't figure out the real reason.

They're with their papa. So I'm not worried about their quality of care. There is no care better than J. He's the better parent of the two of us. So I know they'll be fine in that aspect.

I was/am worried about separation anxiety. Mostly at night when B wakes up. He doesn't let J comfort him at night the same way H does. Or if they get hurt. They always want momma over papa.

But really, even that I knew J would handle just fine. So it couldn't be the reason for the pit in the center of my stomach, slowly gnawing away on me.

And then it hit me.

It's the moments. The little moments.

I'm going to miss them. For a whole week.

I will miss those sweet tiny B arms, clasped around my neck, smothering my face in kisses. I will miss H's small hand enveloped inside mine as we walk down the sidewalk.

I will miss hearing H say, "I will help you," to B. I will miss the way B looks at H like she can move mountains, and the way H smiles at B because he's her baby brother.

I will miss H's crazy jokes and the way B mocks me whenever I'm trying to scold him.

Don't get me wrong, the big moments are great too.

But it's those little moments that truly make my heart swell.

And I will miss them.

And that's so selfish.

Because J misses so many of them working his ass off so that I don't have to. It's not any easier for him than it is for me not to get every second as a beautiful memory to lock away for the future when our babes are full grown and we have nothing but those sweet memories. But he sacrifices them so that I can have them.

And so for one week, he gets them, too. His own precious little moments to store in his heart and memory forever.

And I'm jealous of him.

That's ridiculous, right?

I'm jealous that he gets for one week all to himself something that I've gotten for four years. Something that I so frequently get all to myself.

But I am. I won't lie and pretend I'm not. I'm sorry to miss a week of great memories with them.

But I am also so excited for the three of them. They get a whole week to bond and play and get to know each other on a whole new level - without momma. And that is such a beautiful thing.

And although I'm sorry to miss it, it simply couldn't happen with me there.

So I'm glad. I'm glad they get to have precious time and moments together that they wouldn't have had otherwise if I'd been there.

And I will be so happy to hear all their wonderful stories. And to hold those tiny babes in my arms again.

And to know that J has a heart full of joy and beautiful moments the next time he is forced to leave us for work so that I can be the one to relish in and be a part of all those little moments he has to miss.

He does so much for us. He deserves one week for him.

Crazy/Beautiful

Oh, this past week has been absolutely crazy.

Like when B pooped and then proceeded to put almost a whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet and then flush, which obviously clogged it. And then in the 20 seconds it took me to run down into the basement, after being explicitly clear that no one was to use or flush that toilet, H decided it was a perfect time to also poop in it...and then questioned why her bum was touching dirty toilet water. Oy vey!

Or when my deep freezer crapped out and I was surrounded by water and thawing food. And all this organic meat was going to be ruined and J was texting me, "Save the chile! Save summer!" and I just wanted to sit in the middle of it all and cry because oh.my.god! The meat!!!

Or when J then called me after midnight, wanting me to check things out on the freezer and when I walked into the mudroom a raccoon hissed at me from outside and I was fairly certain I was going to be mulled by a raccoon and likely get rabies.

But really, most of it was beautiful. Despite the crazy, it's all so freaking beautiful. Every single day I genuinely love my life. I love waking up and getting to spend the day with my two greatest loves. And you know, when the husband is around he's pretty fantastical, too. I just freaking love it so much that sometimes I feel like I will explode. I almost feel like it's unfair that I get to be this happy. All the time.

But I do. I just love it. Because it's beautiful. And crazy. Just fun.

We went to the zoo twice. First in tank tops and shorts. Then in snow gear. How's that for a week?

We ventured to Easter Egg Hunts and birthday parties and hotel swimming pools.

Today we spent the afternoon at a state park with Grandpa J and my Grandma M and it was freaking spectacular.

The kids played in the mud. And then played in the ice cold creak.

Crazy/beautiful, I tell you. Just crazy/beautiful.

But I will leave you with a copious amount of photos from this week, in chronological order. I tried to narrow it down, but really...these kids just rock!

First trip to the zoo in gorgeous weather!

This boy knows he always gets Dip N Dots at the zoo!

 

H took this. Yep, she's talented at everything, ha.

 

And she's got a love for flowers. Though we had to talk about leaving the "Wow" for others to enjoy.

 

Having a big sister to push  you is the best!

 

 

 

 

Action shot. Always an action shot!

 

 My absolutely silly kids!

 

2nd trip to the zoo. Up close and personal with the walruses.

 

Intruding on some mating rituals...

 

 Got to go swimming with some buddies and then go for a nice walk!

Birthday party for the BFF.

 

 

Easter festivities at the animal rescue center.

 

Egg hunt at the rescue center!

 

 

 Excited about their loot!

Easter morning before mass. (Outfit #1 for B).

 

Egg hunt at home.

 The mudscapades at the state part begin! (On outfit #2 for B. And to think I'd been worried abut the chocolate mess on the last one!)

 

 Just look at the great mud! The other parents were less than impressed, I think.

 

 

 This boy knows how to have fun!

 

 Isn't he to die for!?

 

Okay, so there will likely never be a picture where we all look normal, ha.

 

 Getting help with the water fountain from Great-Grandma M. You have to be pretty awesome to get "Great" status!

 

 Whoa! He realized that water is ice cold!!

 

Momma is brave enough to try anything!

Oh, that sassy thang!

 

 Big sister always has a helping hand.

 

 Yep, these two are awesome!

Kindergarten in the fall

It seems Miss H is going to kindergarten next year.

She's enrolled now. Really it just depends on her. And me. If she changes her mind. If I change mine, ha.

It's a great program, so I'm really not too worried. The only negative thing is they do the whole "green light, yellow light, red light" behavior crap. But I figure we'll have a good long talk about that's what they do at school, and although we need to respect their rules, ultimately it means nothings. Maybe that's wrong? Eh, oh well.

I'm not sure how I'll handle her gone every day. Even if it's only half of the day. Thank god it doesn't start until 9am though. I'm not sure I could have handled 8am. That's for the birds. Who is ready that early? Even though we seem to be up long before 6am most mornings, I'm not functioning for quite a while, ha.

It's so hard to know what is right. What is the right thing to do? Especially with education.

Each kid is so different, and I would be very surprised if my two kids ended up doing the same things education-wise.

But I have a lot of comfort knowing that I'm not forcing my kids to do what I believe to be right. I know too many people who say, "I believe in x education, so that's my kid's only choice" when x education really isn't the best option for their child.

Quite frankly, I don't believe in any formal schooling, but it's what H wants. What she needs. For now, anyway. And we will work with that.

My only goal is to produce a happy, healthy, confident young lady, who will always know she has a say in every aspect of her life. She will grow up being autonomous, knowing that "because I'm the parent and I say so" isn't a valid reason (unless she wants to play with knives in the middle of a busy road with venomous snakes at her feet, then "because I'm the parent and I say so" is totally valid. But I wouldn't let my friends or husband do that either.).

It'd be so much easier to just say no. To say, "You know, I don't like the idea of you sitting at a desk for 3 hours every day, learning in a structured manner. I think you should learn the way I'd prefer." But that'd be wrong.

Just like I would never tell B he has to sit at a desk if he doesn't want to do so, I will never tell H she cannot if she so desires.

But it's hard. So hard.

I'm sure that sounds really dramatic, but I have such strong beliefs about education and growing up without all the structure and authority, that tossing it aside for my extremely structured girl is difficult sometimes.

And I know it's hard for J, too. Maybe even harder than it is for me. Because he has zero faith in any human being other than he and I caring for our children. The idea of someone else being responsible for dear Miss H 3 hours a day while she's in kindergarten is terrifying for him.

But he's like me. And he wants what is best for her. And he trusts that together, the three of us can figure out what that is.

And we're open. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. If there are negative effects, she doesn't have to continue going. We will pull her out. Even if the negative effect is just her attitude and behavior. We will not compromise any aspect of H.

But she's going. For now, she is going to be a great big kindergartner starting in September. And she's over the freaking moon.

Which makes it all worth it for now.

We'll just take it one day at a time. And hope for the best.

Because it's all we want for H and B. The best.

There is no appropriate title here. I could say something tragically poetic like "Another angel gets her wings" or dark humored like "Another one bites the dust" but really, none of it it works...

My brain has been all over the place these past few days. I've been hesitant to write about any of it, but not talking about it doesn't erase it from having happened.

Wednesday, as I sat in the pediatrician's office with my tiny 10th percentile boy, holding him on my lap while they drew blood for what was roughly his 1232897 lead test in the past year and a half, my phone rang.

It flashed "Dad" at me and my heart sunk, and at the same time, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my chest. I wasn't even in a position to answer the phone at that moment, it wasn't until nearly an hour later, but I all ready knew.

My grandmother had left this Earthly world.

For the past week while she'd been in ICU, and then moved to comfort care, I found myself breaking down during the oddest of times and places, mostly because I was rarely alone, I'm sure. I cried while I drove back and forth, back and forth, with Frozen blaring so my sweet babes wouldn't suspect that their momma was falling apart in the front seat.

My dad would call with an update if I weren't there at the hospital, and I'd handle the information stoically.

Then I'd hang up and cry. Thoughts of the Grandma I knew as a small girl filled my head, because truthfully, I saw her less as an adult than I did as a child who spent a lot of time with her during school breaks.

But when my Grandma Genie actually passed away, I had no more tears.

That's probably an awful thing to admit. But it's the truth.

My grandma was always so independent and strong, and the woman laying in that bed those last few days was just not her. It was a shell of the woman she was.

I was happy she was finally at peace. That she wasn't in pain.

I've seen so much death in my life. I've lost so many people dear to me that you'd think at this point it'd be easy. But it's not.

But we found the bright light from it all. We had an impromptu family reunion. My cousins and aunts were all here. One of my little brothers. My older brother flew in from his ship.

And the most beautiful thing I heard was when little H sat on my dad's lap, and he explained heaven to her and how my grandma had a sweet baby girl waiting for her up there. And H nodded and seemed to take it all in, smiling about that sweet baby that was finally getting her momma back.

Hanging out with their tios.

Sitting with Grandpa next to Grandma.

Band jam session.

Hanging out with their cousins and a puppy!

4 generations. How lucky she was to have known 12 great-grandchildren!

All the back and forth driving, hotel staying, and long nights wore these two out!

 Exhausted. But B fought the sleep so he could enjoy his brownie!

Gettin' his dance on on Grandma's front porch!

Nothing like a good tickle fight to liven a hospital room up!

Brownie time!

H insisted Tio K play the banjo again.

H smothered Tio K's hospital cafeteria pizza in sour cream. What love!

 

 

My heart is so heavy with this loss. But I know it's the circle of life. It is what it is, and the show much go on.

 

So while my fam jam are together now up in Minnesota, spending time with one another, and my dear husband is out of town for three weeks, I am so fortunate to have my two beautiful babies, who make my heart swell with joy every time I think of them.

 

And some really lovely weather for us all to enjoy.

 

And I will leave you with this, a poem I found amongst some pictures and papers of my grandmothers:

FOR THOSE I LOVE

FOR THOSE THAT LOVE ME...

 



          When I am gone, release me, let me go...
          I have so many things to see and do.
          You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears,
          Be happy that we had so many years,
          I gave you my love.  You can only guess
          How much you gave me in happiness.
          I thank you for the love you each have shown
          But now it's time I travelled on alone!

          So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must.
          Then let your grief be comforted by trust.
          It's only for a while that we must part.
          So bless the memories that lie within your heart.
          I won't be far away,  for life goes on
          So if you need me, call and I will come.
          Though you can't see me or touch me, I'll be near.
          And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear.
          All of my love around you soft and clear.

          And then when you must come this way alone...
          I'll greet you with a smile and "Welcome home."


P.S. B's lead levels are no longer toxically high!!! They're down to 3.9. Not perfect, but not dangerous! My baby is finally HEALTHY!!!!