When you just can't

We all want to give our kids 100% at all times. It's a fault of being a parent.

But the truth is we can't. We can't give them enough empathy, enough patience or attention, enough love even. (Obviously we love our children unconditionally, but most children are not able to understand that. Every time they're yelled at, a parent sighs in frustrations, ignores them, etc., children feel like love is being withheld. We cannot control how our children feel, but we can control how we react to their feelings and not belittle or ridicule them for them.)

For a very long time I thought I was supposed to be the keeper of happiness for my children. If they cried or screamed or had a fit it was somehow my fault. And it was because I was doing something wrong.

I obviously know much better now. It took a while, but I left Candyland where parents were held to idealistic and sugar-coated standards, far too high even for Ghandi or Mother Theresa.

Fact is, we just can't do it all and be it all for our children. Mostly because we have needs, too. We're human.

We all have different degrees of needs. Some parents need to work 8 hours a day in order to be the best parent they know how the other 16 hours of the day. Some parents don't need that. It all differs.

I know I need that hour at the gym, preferably daily. And an hour or two before I go to sleep not entangled in kids. Some days I need more. Other days less.

And on the days my needs aren't met I'm a less-than parent and have a more difficult time meeting my children's demanding needs of attention and time. I'm less patient and empathetic when they're throwing tantrums (though it's no coincidence that they have more fits when I'm more stressed.)

Much like they say you can't love someone else until you love yourself, you certainly cannot meet the needs of your children if you aren't meeting your own.

You're not selfish if you put the baby in a bouncer by the shower so you can bathe alone. If you insist your toddler play on the floor of the kitchen while you cook instead of her helping you. If you go for a jog and kiddo has to sit in a stroller for an hour instead of doing something "fun" or "educational" of his choosing. If you leave them in the care of the gym daycare so you can work off steam. If you put them in nursery school so you can have a little you time; or the millions of other things I hear parents guiltily lament about. It's okay.

Just make sure you're treating your kids with respect.

When I first started taking H and B to the Y play n learn they were less than thrilled. They cried. A lot. I'd prep them the whole drive over. I'd acknowledge their apprehension and desire not to be separated from me. I'd explain what I'd be doing and where I'd be. I'd tell them the kinds of things they'd have the options of doing that day at the play center. I'd never tell them "oh, you're going to have so much fun," or "you'll love it," or even "you'll be okay." I can't control their feelings. I can't pretend to. But I did tell them mommy would be back and I'd kiss them and then stand outside the door begging myself not to cry. Obviously that part didn't last forever, and they are excited to go now. But still. I just respected and validated their feelings while still meeting my own needs. And it was better for all of us.

So we, as parents, can't do it all. (And we weren't meant to, hence the village. But I digress...) It doesn't mean that it's always easy, even knowing this, but it does mean it's okay.

Some days you won't be a stellar parent. Because you're tired or hungry or touched out or dealing with other stress. But, if you use your words (I use this phrase entirely too much in my day to day life) and respect your children, explain things to them, then it'll be okay. They'll grow up knowing momma and papa are human. They have needs too. And although things might not always go the way they're wanting, momma and papa respect and validate their feelings.

Because some days you just can't give them anything other than your respect. You just can't.