The end of a breastfeeding relationship

If breastfeeding or pictures of it bother you, move along. You won't want to read this. :-)



H and B are weaned.

Officially.

Done.

All gone.

No more milk. (Okay, it's still technically there, but it's drying up slowly but surely).

They weaned in December. Sometime right before Christmas.

But it's taken me this long to write about it.

It was a lot easier for them to wean than I anticipated. A complete breeze for them.

I was an utter hormonal mess.

H self-weaned. I knew it was coming. It has been a slow self-weaning process for her since last April. That was when she suddenly significantly reduced her nursing to not even 1x a day every day. She'd go days in between without asking. I knew it was coming.

But it always seemed that just when I thought, "Oh, maybe she's done," she'd ask to breastfeed again. But then by October when she was asking, she was literally breastfeeding for less than five seconds at a time. I knew those moments were fleeting. That she was nearly done.

And then it just puckered out. By the time Christmas Day rolled around I'd realized that she hadn't asked since the very beginning of December. She was done.

And so was B at that point.

I made the conscious decision to cut down breastfeeding sessions with B after his second birthday. I needed it. For my sanity. He was nursing 6-8x a day, sometimes for over an hour.

So first I lessened the length of time. Then how many times he could nurse.

It was hard. I felt so mean. He'd cry and I'd hold him and offer him anything under the sun except for the one thing he wanted, and then I'd want to cry with him, because I knew I could stop the tears if I just nursed him, but I just didn't want to. I mean, I did. I wasn't trying to wean him at that point. I just wanted the breastfeeding to happen less.

And once it started, I'd put the ball in motion and he weaned right along with his sister. It was done and over with before I'd realized what had happened.

Truthfully, I was ready to be done. So ready to be done.

But then again, I wasn't. Not even remotely. I totally could have been that mom still breastfeeding her 6 year old. I wouldn't have cared. Because I wanted it to be on his terms. So I feel a bit bad that I kind of forced it along instead of letting him self-wean like his sister. I'm sorry his sister got nearly 4 years of awesome momma milk and he only got 2 years and 4 months. Not like I counted or anything.

So long as he wasn't, you know, nursing 6-8x a day we'd have been good.

But B is kind of an all or nothing kind of guy.

So now it's nothing.

But I'm glad we're done. I'm fantasizing about buying a REAL bra. I bought a few spring/summer dresses (because it will get warm again some day, right!?) without thinking about being able to nurse in them (although my subconscious clearly was, because they're all totally compatible. Alas!).

I'm glad I don't have enough milk to let down when I hear another baby cry (for real, that happened all the freaking time).

I'm glad that I had the ability to nourish and sustain two healthy, strong babies. That I could tandem nurse them. That I could breastfeed H while pregnant with B. That I had an overabundance of milk and their tummies were always full.w


I'm grateful that I was able to connect with my children in this way. That we were able to share so many beautiful moments together.

I'm grateful that weaning wasn't traumatizing for them.

I didn't know what to expect when they weaned. My hormones were a mess. I'd be chopping vegetables and I'd burst into tears. And not because I was sad they had weaned. Just because I suddenly felt compelled to cry.

I cried in the supermarket once when reading a box of cereal.

I'd watch something on TV and something ridiculous like a lion hunting a zebra would bring on the waterworks.

It was a tumultuous few weeks. I'm glad those hormones have figured themselves out.

I believe in breastfeeding. I believe it is the best thing for all babes.

Although I'd encourage anyone to breastfeed to a minimum of 2 years, I'd mostly encourage everyone to do it for a day. A week. A month. As long as you feel you possibly can. Because every drop is awesomeness for your babe.

But this relationship with my children is now over. It was beautiful and fantastic. And some days made me want to pull my hair out. But I'm glad I was able to do it for them.

And on a closing note, here are some booby pictures. ;-) It's certainly been a good run!

Newborn Miss H. Look at that nose! I just love it.

 Taking a break from the beach and sun.

 

The day B was born. Fist tandem nursing.

Newborn Mr. B

 

B needs in on this milk on the beach thing, too!

 

 

 

I'm so glad to have this picture that one of my dear friends took for me. 

My heart is full.

 

 

P.S. Sorry if this is all discombobulated. My emotions and thoughts are kind of all over the place on this still. 

Who knew weaning/a sudden decrease in breastfeeding was like the baby blues all over again?

The past 2.5 weeks I've been off. Completely out of whack. I could notice it a bit, but just assumed it was typical sleep deprivation. (So any/all terrible things I've said to anyone or the general populace, please do forgive me!)

Until I vented a whole slew of things to a good friend a few days and was able to go back and re-read my thoughts and I was just like, "Whoa, Ki! That's not normal. That goes a bit above and beyond sleep deprivation and a really rough day in mommyhood."

So I had to go back and figure out what could cause me to be so freaking out of whack. And it didn't take me very long to do it.

Breastfeeding.

I've heard of people getting feelings similar to the "baby blues" when their children wean. Much like the "baby blues" not everyone experiences it, but it's super common and completely normal. No one really talks about it, but I'd vaguely heard it in passing.

The kids are weaned!? you ask.

Hahhahahahahaha!

No.

BUT.

Starting roughly 2.5 weeks ago they drastically cut down on how often they're nursing. B went from easily nursing 10-12 times a day to about 5-6. H went from 5-6 to 0-3. So whereas that's still a lot of time on the boob, it's a huge difference.

Especially when breastfeeding is a hormonal thing.

Each time you breastfeed your body releases a hormone called oxytocin. It's a "happy" hormone. A euphoric, feel-good hormone. You also get this hormone from snuggling, cuddling, sex, etc. But it's pretty strong during breastfeeding.

Well, my daily oxytocin dose just got cut pretty severely.

So it makes sense.

I just wish people talked about this stuff more. No one has ever really talked about how they felt physically/mentally/emotionally when their children weaned. So it's kind of like uncharted territory.

My babes aren't weaning. At least B isn't. H, maybe. We'll see. I certainly wouldn't be sad about it. We've had a good 3-year run thus far.

Anyway, this is for anyone who has weaned or even had a sudden decrease in nursing sessions who suddenly felt like they were going through some terrible baby blues all over again. It's normal. And you're amazing. Just ride it out. Eat yummy, healthy foods. Exercise. And find a good friend you can vent terrible things to who won't judge you (too much!).

Night weaning will never happen

I swear it was just two days ago that I was all, "Oh, I'm night weaning B and he's doing great!" And by "great" I meant he'd given up nursing for the first 3-4 hours of the night. Which for us is like a tremendous "improvement." And he'd given that up without so much as a fuss.

The rest of it.

Nope.

He's still attached all. night. long. The alternative is he cries all. night. long.

And I'm just not okay with that.

I keep telling myself he'll night wean before he's like 10. Right?

Surely.

I can do just about anything if I know there is an end in sight.

Even if that end is not for another 5 years. (No, I have zero intentions of nursing a 6 year old. To each their own, it's just not for me. Then again, I had zero intentions of nursing an almost 3 year old, so I should probably shut my mouth).

I just keep reminding myself that for one reason or another, emotionally, physically, who knows, he needs this right now. I know this because he goes in spurts. He's not been this attached at night in a long time. We went from waking 1-2 times a night to attached all night to waking 1-2 and then to attached and so on.

But during the phases where it is all night long, I seem to start losing my clarity. And sanity.

And I must keep my sanity. Especially now that I pulled the lovely Miss H out of preschool (flaky mom of the year award right here!).

Alas, just like the the Little Engine that Could, I will repeat a mantra over and over until it happens. And my mantra shall be, "I know he will eventually. I know he will eventually."

And the world can laugh at me when eventually turns to never.

To wean or not to wean

That is the question.

I feel pretty strongly about child-lead weaning, for me, personally. I completely understand that it's not for everyone, and that's a-okay!

But that sure doesn't mean that I don't have days where I fantasize about Miss H weaning. A lot.

I love breastfeeding her, just as I love breastfeeding baby B. I love how sweet they look, how perfectly they fit in my arms. How they get this sense of calm and relaxation about them that only comes when they're at the breast. I love the way it connects us. The way it comforts and makes my children feel secure. I honestly just think breastfeeding is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. Lynch me if you wish.

That being said, and as strongly as I feel about child-lead weaning, I've definitely imposed some mommy-lead weaning on Miss H. Although I don't tell her "no", I do offer her other things first. When she does breastfeed, I always put a time limit on it, and she's pretty good with that.

If she weaned tomorrow, I'd be more than 100% okay with that. Though I certainly wouldn't force her. I realize that it gives her comfort. I realize that when we've had a tough day, or she's feeling like she hasn't gotten enough attention, it's the best way to make her feel connected and loved. I get that.

She is night weaned though. That was completely mommy-lead. I have a lot of negative feelings associated with that. I have a lot of excuses for why I did it too, but at the end of the day no one held a gun to my head and forced me to do it, so I have no one to blame but myself. It's done. It is what it is, I suppose.

But because I felt so badly about this decision, I swore I'd let baby B 100% self-wean, both daytime and nighttime. And I felt very strongly about this.

That is until about a month ago. Then I said no way, this is ridiculous, and chose this very evening as the night we start night-weaning. I don't mind nursing him at night. What drives me insane is that he can't sleep more than 30 minutes without a boob in his mouth. It doesn't matter if it's for nap or at night, in bed or in my arms.

Maybe this makes me extremely selfish. I don't really want to have to hold him or lay down beside him for 12+ hours a day while he sleeps. I get. I'm a bad mom because I want to put my own needs before his. Mostly, I'm okay with this. Or at least I'd like to say that I am. But I do feel badly that I cannot live up to my own beliefs and expectations. At least not happily. And I feel badly admitting that sometimes breastfeeding my child 24/7 makes me unhappy. Not all the time. Not even most of the time. But definitely some of the time.

So we've been building up to this day, mentally and emotionally preparing for it. It's not something I can do alone, that's for sure! And then three days ago J told me he was having second thoughts. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. What if baby B doesn't get enough food if we cut night feedings? How can we put his health at risk like that? What if he just screams inconsolably? How is that any different than cry-it-out, which he feels even more strongly against than I do?

Really, he just voiced all of my concerns. And made me start doubting things, too.

This is definitely one of those times where I wish I had a good non-judgemental friend who I could vent this too, and then s/he could give me a 3rd party outsider view. Someone who can tell me that my child will not be scarred for life if I night wean him (I'm not fully convinced Miss H's scary, awful night talking/screaming/crying is not somehow related to forcible night-weaning...).

I have a lot of expectations for myself as a momma. I think it's just natural, as other people always had very high expectations for me throughout my life. I naturally imposed them on myself. Sometimes I just wonder if I expect too much from myself. Then, of course, I immediately think of all the people I know who give even more of themselves to their children than I do, and then it seems crazy to think my own expectations are too high, you know?

So yeah...we are like four hours from Project Night Wean Baby B and I still can't decide if it's a go...