The end of a breastfeeding relationship

If breastfeeding or pictures of it bother you, move along. You won't want to read this. :-)



H and B are weaned.

Officially.

Done.

All gone.

No more milk. (Okay, it's still technically there, but it's drying up slowly but surely).

They weaned in December. Sometime right before Christmas.

But it's taken me this long to write about it.

It was a lot easier for them to wean than I anticipated. A complete breeze for them.

I was an utter hormonal mess.

H self-weaned. I knew it was coming. It has been a slow self-weaning process for her since last April. That was when she suddenly significantly reduced her nursing to not even 1x a day every day. She'd go days in between without asking. I knew it was coming.

But it always seemed that just when I thought, "Oh, maybe she's done," she'd ask to breastfeed again. But then by October when she was asking, she was literally breastfeeding for less than five seconds at a time. I knew those moments were fleeting. That she was nearly done.

And then it just puckered out. By the time Christmas Day rolled around I'd realized that she hadn't asked since the very beginning of December. She was done.

And so was B at that point.

I made the conscious decision to cut down breastfeeding sessions with B after his second birthday. I needed it. For my sanity. He was nursing 6-8x a day, sometimes for over an hour.

So first I lessened the length of time. Then how many times he could nurse.

It was hard. I felt so mean. He'd cry and I'd hold him and offer him anything under the sun except for the one thing he wanted, and then I'd want to cry with him, because I knew I could stop the tears if I just nursed him, but I just didn't want to. I mean, I did. I wasn't trying to wean him at that point. I just wanted the breastfeeding to happen less.

And once it started, I'd put the ball in motion and he weaned right along with his sister. It was done and over with before I'd realized what had happened.

Truthfully, I was ready to be done. So ready to be done.

But then again, I wasn't. Not even remotely. I totally could have been that mom still breastfeeding her 6 year old. I wouldn't have cared. Because I wanted it to be on his terms. So I feel a bit bad that I kind of forced it along instead of letting him self-wean like his sister. I'm sorry his sister got nearly 4 years of awesome momma milk and he only got 2 years and 4 months. Not like I counted or anything.

So long as he wasn't, you know, nursing 6-8x a day we'd have been good.

But B is kind of an all or nothing kind of guy.

So now it's nothing.

But I'm glad we're done. I'm fantasizing about buying a REAL bra. I bought a few spring/summer dresses (because it will get warm again some day, right!?) without thinking about being able to nurse in them (although my subconscious clearly was, because they're all totally compatible. Alas!).

I'm glad I don't have enough milk to let down when I hear another baby cry (for real, that happened all the freaking time).

I'm glad that I had the ability to nourish and sustain two healthy, strong babies. That I could tandem nurse them. That I could breastfeed H while pregnant with B. That I had an overabundance of milk and their tummies were always full.w


I'm grateful that I was able to connect with my children in this way. That we were able to share so many beautiful moments together.

I'm grateful that weaning wasn't traumatizing for them.

I didn't know what to expect when they weaned. My hormones were a mess. I'd be chopping vegetables and I'd burst into tears. And not because I was sad they had weaned. Just because I suddenly felt compelled to cry.

I cried in the supermarket once when reading a box of cereal.

I'd watch something on TV and something ridiculous like a lion hunting a zebra would bring on the waterworks.

It was a tumultuous few weeks. I'm glad those hormones have figured themselves out.

I believe in breastfeeding. I believe it is the best thing for all babes.

Although I'd encourage anyone to breastfeed to a minimum of 2 years, I'd mostly encourage everyone to do it for a day. A week. A month. As long as you feel you possibly can. Because every drop is awesomeness for your babe.

But this relationship with my children is now over. It was beautiful and fantastic. And some days made me want to pull my hair out. But I'm glad I was able to do it for them.

And on a closing note, here are some booby pictures. ;-) It's certainly been a good run!

Newborn Miss H. Look at that nose! I just love it.

 Taking a break from the beach and sun.

 

The day B was born. Fist tandem nursing.

Newborn Mr. B

 

B needs in on this milk on the beach thing, too!

 

 

 

I'm so glad to have this picture that one of my dear friends took for me. 

My heart is full.

 

 

P.S. Sorry if this is all discombobulated. My emotions and thoughts are kind of all over the place on this still. 

Who knew weaning/a sudden decrease in breastfeeding was like the baby blues all over again?

The past 2.5 weeks I've been off. Completely out of whack. I could notice it a bit, but just assumed it was typical sleep deprivation. (So any/all terrible things I've said to anyone or the general populace, please do forgive me!)

Until I vented a whole slew of things to a good friend a few days and was able to go back and re-read my thoughts and I was just like, "Whoa, Ki! That's not normal. That goes a bit above and beyond sleep deprivation and a really rough day in mommyhood."

So I had to go back and figure out what could cause me to be so freaking out of whack. And it didn't take me very long to do it.

Breastfeeding.

I've heard of people getting feelings similar to the "baby blues" when their children wean. Much like the "baby blues" not everyone experiences it, but it's super common and completely normal. No one really talks about it, but I'd vaguely heard it in passing.

The kids are weaned!? you ask.

Hahhahahahahaha!

No.

BUT.

Starting roughly 2.5 weeks ago they drastically cut down on how often they're nursing. B went from easily nursing 10-12 times a day to about 5-6. H went from 5-6 to 0-3. So whereas that's still a lot of time on the boob, it's a huge difference.

Especially when breastfeeding is a hormonal thing.

Each time you breastfeed your body releases a hormone called oxytocin. It's a "happy" hormone. A euphoric, feel-good hormone. You also get this hormone from snuggling, cuddling, sex, etc. But it's pretty strong during breastfeeding.

Well, my daily oxytocin dose just got cut pretty severely.

So it makes sense.

I just wish people talked about this stuff more. No one has ever really talked about how they felt physically/mentally/emotionally when their children weaned. So it's kind of like uncharted territory.

My babes aren't weaning. At least B isn't. H, maybe. We'll see. I certainly wouldn't be sad about it. We've had a good 3-year run thus far.

Anyway, this is for anyone who has weaned or even had a sudden decrease in nursing sessions who suddenly felt like they were going through some terrible baby blues all over again. It's normal. And you're amazing. Just ride it out. Eat yummy, healthy foods. Exercise. And find a good friend you can vent terrible things to who won't judge you (too much!).

Night weaning will never happen

I swear it was just two days ago that I was all, "Oh, I'm night weaning B and he's doing great!" And by "great" I meant he'd given up nursing for the first 3-4 hours of the night. Which for us is like a tremendous "improvement." And he'd given that up without so much as a fuss.

The rest of it.

Nope.

He's still attached all. night. long. The alternative is he cries all. night. long.

And I'm just not okay with that.

I keep telling myself he'll night wean before he's like 10. Right?

Surely.

I can do just about anything if I know there is an end in sight.

Even if that end is not for another 5 years. (No, I have zero intentions of nursing a 6 year old. To each their own, it's just not for me. Then again, I had zero intentions of nursing an almost 3 year old, so I should probably shut my mouth).

I just keep reminding myself that for one reason or another, emotionally, physically, who knows, he needs this right now. I know this because he goes in spurts. He's not been this attached at night in a long time. We went from waking 1-2 times a night to attached all night to waking 1-2 and then to attached and so on.

But during the phases where it is all night long, I seem to start losing my clarity. And sanity.

And I must keep my sanity. Especially now that I pulled the lovely Miss H out of preschool (flaky mom of the year award right here!).

Alas, just like the the Little Engine that Could, I will repeat a mantra over and over until it happens. And my mantra shall be, "I know he will eventually. I know he will eventually."

And the world can laugh at me when eventually turns to never.

Milk = Love around here

It’s no secret that I’ve been a bit burnt out on breastfeeding these past few weeks. It’s gotten to the point that I’ve been telling Miss H that my boobs hurt, so she cannot nurse for too long. This isn’t a lie, they really do hurt. She has a shotty toddler latch to say the least. 

But it seems she realized that I just needed some kind of upper to keep on trekking through this, and to do it happily, and not begrudgingly.

This evening at dinner, she sat in J’s seat since he’s gone, and put one of her stuffed puppies into her booster seat. Then she said to me, “Momma, my boobies hurt!” and grabbed her chest (because we may or may not have been eating in our underwear…) in case I didn’t fully grasp what she was saying.

“Why do your boobies hurt?” I asked.

“Because I’ve been nursing the puppy. All. Day. Long.” She uses her hands like a baby Italian.

Before this conversation went any further and it all got more clear, I all ready “got” it.

"Well, why do you nurse the puppy if it hurts your boobies?” (You’re loving that we say boobies around here, aren’t you?)

“Because I love him so much.”

I may have wanted to cry at this point. Instead, I was quiet while I gave baby B some more food on his tray before saying, “You know I love you, right?”

She nodded happily. “Yep. So much! That’s why I nurse your boobies!”

I nodded.

Without a doubt, ever toddler knows their momma loves them, whether or not they “nurse boobies”. But she reminded me of why I nurse my toddler. And I will keep on nursing her, hopefully with a better attitude now.

Because I love her.

So much.

There may very well be such a thing as too much (breastfeeding) support. Who knew?

We were in the car today and I said to J, "Some days Miss H drives me insane with breastfeeding. Today is one of them."

"Okay," he replied.

"If it didn't go against everything I feel is right, I'd wean her."

"But she's not ready to wean," he said back.

"I know. She doesn't let me forget." And she doesn’t. That girl asks to nurse every thirty seconds it seems. And if I ask her to stop nursing before she is done, it’s an epic meltdown. If I ask her if she wants a glass of milk, or chocolate milk, or even a freaking cookie she wails, “No! Milk from Mommy’s boobies!” So yeah…there is no such thing as distraction or substitution with this girl.

"Well, you can't wean her if she isn't ready," he told me, like some how this logic works for everyone. I mean, apparently he hasn't met most of America. But I digress...

"What if I'm ready?" Some days I really do feel like I am. Some days all the whining and sucking makes me resent her a little bit. I want to love on her and cuddle her, but not always with one of my boobs in her mouth.

Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I don’t feel that way. For the majority of the time I love breastfeeding her. I love that I am her comfort and security. That my milk can make anything under the sun better for her. I do like that. But then sometimes. Well, sometimes I’m just tired. And I wonder how other people do this.

"You can't be. She isn't ready. And you're the one who wants her to self wean. It's what is best for her." I love J. I really do. But why must he take everything I tell him to heart? Before we had H and we first discussed breastfeeding he was pro-boob because it was a helluva lot cheaper. Then I made him do his own research because I think it’s important we be on the same page due to our own findings, not because one of us has told them other xyz. After all his research he was all “I think you should breastfeed until at least 2. But I think maybe until the baby chooses to be done is better.” So then I did more research and was like, “Yeah! You’re right! Great idea!” And got completely on that bandwagon. But since I’m the one actually doing it, my feelings waiver occasionally. J’s do not.

"I know," I admitted a bit exasperated.  “But she is so demanding. And my nipples hurt. All. The. Time. Baby B nurses all night long (yeah, that night weaning shiznik back in May lasted a whopping week. Go figure…). I’m tired. I’m over it.”

“You’re tired. You’re not over it. You’ve still got at least another year of breastfeeding. Probably longer knowing our kids. You didn’t sleep last night. This morning has been rough. You’ll be fine tomorrow.”

I nodded. I sighed. “Probably,” I admitted. “Maybe we should just let baby B cry it out tonight. See how things go? Maybe I can get some more sleep.”

“Now you’re just screwing with me,” J said.

I laughed. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

All right, Miss H, let's talk about nursing

A lot of people think that once a baby/child can "ask for it" they shouldn't be allowed to nurse anymore. They'd be really appalled to meet my daughter. Not only can she "ask for it" but we often have conversations while she nurses (yeah, yeah, totally defeats teaching her not to talk with her mouth full).

Well, today while she was nursing I asked her why she likes to nurse. Her immediate response was, "I love Bucky!" (My little sister...)

I laughed at this and told her, "Bucky has nothing to do with you nursing."

She had that big grin on her face and said, "Mouses nurse, too!"

"Mice might nurse," I told her (they do, right?). "But why do you like to nurse?"

"Because...because..." she said in between milk, "It's yummy!"

Okay, I thought, fair enough. And decided to let it go. A few moments later she said, "Baby's nurse. Evelyn (her friend) nurses!"

I shook my head. "No, Evelyn doesn't nurse anymore. She's all done. Do you want to be all done?"

"Well, L and baby Lana nurse!" she declared, ignoring my question altogether.

"Yes, they do. They're both babies. Are you still a baby?"

"No, I'm a big girl," she quickly informed me.

"So you want to stop nursing then?" I asked. I'm not trying to wean her, just was going along with her train of thought.

"No!" she said emphatically. "I'm your baby!"

And she's right. She is. Who can argue with that? So I just smiled and cuddled her.

And a few minutes later she looked up at me and said, "Thank you."

It's tough, but totally worth it

Most people don't "get" breastfeeding a toddler. It's cool, I get it. Anything outside of our own norm makes us pause.

I wasn't breastfed as a toddler. Before I had kids, I didn't have friends who had breastfed toddlers. So it's not like I had anyone advocating to me to do it. Or to even think about doing it.

And yet I am. And it's challenging. And some days it really sucks. But to be honest, what sucks most about it the majority of the time is to have no one to talk to about it who actually gets it. Okay, to talk to about it at all. Nearly everyone I know, rather they chose to bottle-feed for breast feed, just do not support extended breastfeeding. And that's hard. Because that means they don't support me. And while I certainly don't do anything because people are supporting me, it's nice to know sometimes that there is support when you need it.

People I actually know have made fun of children who extend breastfeed. Yes, adults making fun of children.  Terribly disgusting. I've heard people refer to extended breastfeeding as sexual abuse or psychologically harmful. Both of which are absolutely ridiculous.

A lot of people even think the only reason someone breastfeeds past a year is for attention. Really?

There are a LOT of reasons to breastfeed past one year, but I'm pretty sure that all extended breastfeeders wouldn't miss a beat in agreeing that "showing off" certainly is not one of them.

Breastfeeding a toddler can be challenging. I've certainly had days (if not weeks) when I've struggled to keep myself from just screaming "That's it, you're done!" I just keep reminding myself that there are lots of reasons to keep going, and they outweigh the reasons to forcibly wean Miss H.

Just to list a few ....

1.) When Miss H is sick, I cherish being able to soothe her so easily while simultaneously providing her with immune boosting antibodies.

2.) I have always been comfortable nursing in publicand continue to do so. I love that I have a secret weapon to whip out in public situations that might require a non-nursing Mom to rush her cranky toddler out of sight.

3.) I love having an excuse to snuggle with my busy girl, and put my feet up. For a few minutes anyway, it's just her and I in a bubble of love and nothing else can bother us.

4.) I really feel that nursing her at this age is teaching her to be gentle with others. It also teaches her patience "Wait util Mommy finshes this, love." It teaches her to be aware of other people's feelings.

5.) While I realize she doesn't need breast milk, knowing that she gets it eases my worries about nutrition. So if the only thing she eats all day is a can of tuna (true story!), I know she's just fine.

 7.) Most of all, I love that she loves it. More than anything else in this world, I want my children to be happy and (for me at least) breastfeeding is an easy way to accomplish that.

So some days it's tough for me, but at the end of the day it's always worth it. And since I'm not one who generally gives a flying frak as to what others think, I won't be cutting her off any time soon. (Though some days I think she may not be too far off from stopping on her own..)