I've had this post sitting in my head for a few weeks now.
It seems there are a
lot of articles floating around the world wide web at the moment declaring it's okay to yell at our children because "we are human and make mistakes and that's okay for kids to witness" and "children need to learn that even adults have big emotions."
I actually agree with both of those statements; just not that they are justifications for yelling at our children (or anyone for that matter).
Yes, we are all human beings. And we make mistakes. Daily. And yes, our children need to see us as real, authentic people so that they too can accept themselves completely as authentic people who will make so many mistakes they'll never be able to count them all. And they need to be okay with that, and accept that, just like parents should. There is no time or place to hold onto guilt and to scrutinize ourselves over every mistake we make or have made, and it's imperative that we also teach ourselves that.
But it also doesn't give us a justification for yelling at our children.
I get mad. I get angry. I get straight up pissed off some days.
And 99% of the time I
don't yell.
It doesn't mean I'm bottling it all inside. It doesn't mean I don't know how to handle my anger or frustration.
In fact, it's the opposite. I've worked
really hard to find ways to handle my upsets in manners that are not only healthy for myself, but also for my children.
It's no secret that I was a born yeller; the progeny of yellers who grew up with yellers. So it was no surprise that as a mother I was also a yeller.
And it wasn't until my sweet, wee girl told me that it scared her that I even stopped to reflect on what I was doing.
Yes, hearing others yell still made me sick to my stomach.
Yes, I felt horrible doing it. But I also just thought it was part of life and part of parenting.
There aren't many things in life I'd like a re-do on. But with yelling, I would. Just to erase all the yelling I did before I realized how damaging it really was. How unhealthy it is.
And I was never and am not the sort of yeller who just went on and on. I didn't yell unkind words or obscenities. It was usually when I'd made a request several times and was exasperated. Like, "Put your shoes on!" or "Enough! Don't touch your brother!" It was all that frustration boiling up and it seemed to be the only way to get H to listen sometimes.
When I first made a vow to myself that I wouldn't yell like that anymore, I was certain H would never listen again. I mean, I
had to yell to make her know I was serious, right? Wrong. There is nothing that says "Mommy is serious" more than getting right down on their level, physically with them, and helping them with what you want/expect.
Her shoes need to be on and she hasn't done it despite that I've requested 50 million times and we are all ready late. Okay. I put our bag down. I put the baby down. I grab her shoes, and I physically help put them on her. Calmly. Gently. We're late anyway. The extra 30 seconds of me physically helping isn't going to make a difference in time, but it will make all the difference in teaching her how we treat other human beings. Even the ones we are frustrated with. Most especially the ones we are frustrated with.
Or she won't stop touching her brother (or whatever), after being told it's not okay? Again, what's more serious than me - gently - stopping her hand and looking her in the eye and telling her, "I will not let you poke your brother."
And I get it. I really, truly do. We all have days where we are frazzled and falling apart at the seams. I get it.
But the truth is, I would never yell at my husband. Ever. In his words, "The big things we made sure we were on the same page before we got married, and the little things are just little - not worth arguing over, much less yelling over." When I was a member of the work force, I would have never yelled at my employer or co-workers. I wouldn't yell at my friends. I wouldn't yell at any adult human being.
So why do we think it's acceptable to yell at children? Why do we find justifications for it? Because it's not. It's not okay to yell at our kids. Maybe in a very dangerous situation. But not over shoes or late homework or a messy bedroom or annoying their sister. It's just not.
Don't get me wrong. I
do get frustrated and mad. I've even had moments where I felt like my blood must literally be boiling and had no idea how two tiny people whom I love so wholly and unconditionally could make me feel such
negative feelings.
But I don't typically yell at my kids when I have these feelings. I don't pretend that my upset feelings don't exist in order to raise them in an ever-happy bubble either.
I will be the first person to announce, "I'm really frustrated/upset/mad right now." And even, "I'm really frustrated
with you." I have zero qualms telling my children my less-than rosy emotions. But instead of taking out those feelings on my kids by yelling, I try my dandiest to
model how I want them to handle those exact same feelings when they're experiencing them.
Ideally, being able to walk away from the situation is usually my first choice. Just a few minutes to calm down and regain my composure before we address whatever the issue may be. To think about the situation objectively and in the grand scheme of things to realize how trivial it actually is in most situations. Obviously, this isn't always a possibility. And in those times I close my eyes and take deep breaths and I remind myself in those ten seconds of the things I love best about my kids. I think about the first time I laid eyes on them, how peaceful they look when they sleep, something funny they've said recently, etc.
After all, "When I get
mad and want to
roar - I take a deep breath and count to four." That Daniel Tiger is a genius. And he knows how to handle his anger. And my sweet babes sing that song a lot. So if a little tiger knows that it's not okay to yell; we big humans should be able to figure it out, too.
Showing my kids how I handle my big, upset emotions helps teach them how to handle theirs. No, we don't bottle them inside. That isn't healthy. But we don't yell at people either. I find it completely unacceptable for
anyone to yell at me. So why in the world would I think it acceptable for myself to yell at
anyone? That is terrible logic.
So, I make mistakes daily. We all do. Yelling isn't one I indulge in often anymore, but it admittedly
does happen on rare occasions. Old habits die hard and all that jazz. I don't beat myself up over my mistakes. I don't harbor guilt if I slip up and yell or speak a little too curtly or a million other things that the beautiful imperfect person that is me still messes up with on occasion. Or sometimes frequently, it just depends on the vice.
But I will also
never justify yelling at my kids (or anyone else) or try to pat someone else on the back and say it's okay. Because it's not. It's just not.
Once we stop trying to justify the yelling, that's when we can start to correct the behavior and find different (healthier? better?) ways to handle those situations. And if you're in a situation where you just feel like you
need to yell - go do it in a pillow in another room. Let it out. Just don't direct it at your kid.
We all want to raise kids who deal with their emotions in a healthy manner. But yelling at people because we hurt is not healthy. It's hurting others because we hurt. And that's an awful cycle.
We know a lot about physical abuse these days. And verbal abuse. What about emotional abuse? Because yelling hurts the heart. It's scary for the person being yelled at, and it's often scary for the person who is doing the yelling, too. It's a very emotional experience. And not a positive or healthy one for anyone.
Again, I feel the need to reiterate for the millionth time that
we are all human. We all make mistakes. Daily. And that's okay. I don't believe in beating yourself up or harboring guilt over any mistakes we may make as parents or human beings.
But I also don't believe in making excuses for or trying to justify said mistakes in order to feel better about ourselves. And that includes yelling.
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