I really despise when people ask what kind of parenting style do I adhere to?
Because the truth is - I don't.
I automatically get labeled as AP (attachment parenting) a lot, because I do seem to follow most of the beliefs of AP.
Though I'll admit it wasn't all on purpose.
I don't even fully know all the principles of AP. I've never read a book over it. But I know it seems to be the "crunchy" way of parenting. I know it's based on nurturing, respecting, and being attentive of your child's needs at all times, not just when it's convenient for you.
Most AP parents seem to embrace pregnancy and child birth. They prepare and aim for a natural med-free birth. I did this, of course. But because I was strong and powerful and felt very empowered by it all. And because I was a control freak and the alternative terrified me.
It seems most AP parents strongly believe in co-sleeping. I'm neither for nor against it. I'm against CIO, but I don't care where babies sleep. We never planned to co-sleep. It just kind of happened. It was easier, and we [mostly] came to love it. Though I do love that they also now start out in their own beds these days. And B typically makes it all night in his own bed.
I guess AP parents believe in breastfeeding. Though they don't all choose this, obviously. Because how we feed our children is a choice. And all our options are legitimate. And no one should ever feel guilty for choosing to feed their child one way or another. I knew before I ever got pregnant that I wouldn't formula feed. It just wasn't an option for me. My mom breastfed, so that seemed like the natural route for me too. And quite frankly, I'm too cheap for formula. And I liked the convenience of rolling over and popping a boob in the baby's mouth at night. But I really don't care how someone else feeds their kid. And if they do breastfeed, I don't care for how little or how long. J and I originally decided we wanted to breastfeed our kiddos until they were 2 (yes, I'm saying we because I really do feel like this amazing journey has really been a team event). Then 2 rolled around and weaning seemed too difficult and completely unnecessary and everyone was still happy in the relationship so we said fuck it, and here I am, still breastfeeding a 3.5 year old and a 2 year old.
AP parents believe in positive discipline. So instead of always saying "no," tell them what they can do. No hitting or yelling. Again, I never read anything telling me to do this in the beginning, it's just what felt right. I just couldn't imagine causing my kids unnecessary physical, emotional, or mental harm. And spanking and yelling do just that.
I baby wear. That's an AP thing to do. I didn't intend to wear my firstborn 24/7, but I also didn't intend to let her cry 24/7. So something had to give and a baby carrier became the solution to the problem. Though B rarely went into the Ergo because he didn't love to be worn as much as H. And for him, we bought a stroller.
And apparently AP parents don't vaccinate either. Again, these are all just generalities. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would say they are AP who don't necessary fall into all these categories (and I could totally be making these categories up! Again, I've never read an actual AP book). Anyway, I'm not anti or pro-vaccine. But we don't do it. So I guess I fit the mold.
There are other parenting philosophies we take tidbits from.
RIE. We respect our children. We view them as capable human beings.
We let them push their own physical limits and refrain from coddling and shielding and constantly saying "be careful." Unless we foresee true danger, we let them go at it. Even though it seems to terrify most of the other moms at the playgrounds.
We validate their feelings, but we also accept that we don't necessarily have the ability to "fix" their emotions. They are their own emotions to have, and they are allowed to have them. Even if they annoy other people.
I guess you could say in some ways I'm pretty mainstream, too.
I expect my kids to respect me. But that seems incredibly easy since I respect them. And I act accordingly.
The thing is, I could probably pick up any book under the sun and find things I relate to within its pages. And things I don't relate to. Things I downright disagree with.
And I know I couldn't find any book that I 100% agree with every single thing said in it.
And that's kind of a beautiful thing. Knowing that I'm unique. Raising unique kids in a unique way. And really, nothing but time will tell if we're doing it "right." Even then, though, "right" will mean different things for different people. Some will just want their kids to make the A's and attain a college degree and have a lucrative career - happiness aside. Others will want their children to be happy first and foremost doing what they love, even if they're living off of ramen noodles, sharing an apartment with 8 other people while they strive to make it as a musician.
So I don't believe in a specific parenting style: though I will admit that I seem to practice many AP beliefs. But it doesn't mean I strongly believe in them (i.e., co-sleeping, non-vaxing, etc.).
Like all parents, we have our own groove. Our own way of doing things.
And our primary philosophy is simply to listen to our children always; to treat them with respect and compassion; and when in doubt, walk away and take a deep breath. These are our children. They will be the parents of our grandchildren. And I want them to have a good example of how not only to treat other people, but how to treat their own children. I don't ever want them to think that it's okay to be punitive to them. So that's it. Treat our kids the same way we hope they treat others, especially our their own kids.
I guess that sounds a lot like the Golden Rule. Not too bad of a parenting style, I'd say.
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