Still stressing over education

Have I stressed out about education enough lately? Probably not.

Ha, probably. But I'm an over-achiever, and I don't like to do anything less than perfect.

So I'm still stressing.

I'm fairly certain I've added gray hairs to my head over this freaking out and overanalyzing.

It's no secret that I'm a fan of homeschooling/unschooling. But I'm a die-hard believer of child-led education, as well. Which might lead to the school.

Oh, goodness.

This shouldn't be so crazy difficult.

I vote we get one thing in parenting that is super easy - and I vote it be this. Education.

J said it best. If we just didn't care, it wouldn't matter. We could easily say our kids are doing x - whether it be public, private, or homeschool. It wouldn't matter because we decided and that's that because we aren't considering anything else. One shoe fits all and all that jazz.

But we know better. And we do care. So thus the stress.

H wants to go to kindergarten. That's not a secret. She's gone back and forth for a while, but she's pretty committed to the cause at this point. I even asked her yesterday if her bff doesn't go with her, would she still want to go. Truthfully, I figured she'd say no. She said, "Well, um, yes. Yes, I want to go even without L."

Well, fuck.

Okay. But then what? Where do we go from there? To actual school-school? Back home?

What will that year do? Will it enrich her life and be a positive experience?

Or will it be negative?

A little girl, too big for her britches, not socially couth. She doesn't understand being unkind to other kids just for they hey of it, which we witnessed yesterday at the park, where she was so appalled and confused with the kids' treatment of one another. Do I want that to be a part of her daily life this young? Yes, I know I cannot keep her in a bubble forever, and it's completely not my goal or desire, but does she need that kind of negativity around her right now? I just don't feel like it's necessary for her emotional or mental development.

Argh. There is just so much that goes into it.

Our local public school is too scary to be an option.

Sending her to private school sets a premise we must be able to uphold. And not just for her, but for her brother, too.

And we're not opposed, but it will drastically change our lives. And theirs, too. Because H is so involved and in love with her extracurriculars, and those would simply not be feasible, at all, if we are paying tuition. Especially for two.

What if school makes learning unenjoyable for her and completely squashes that desire? She's such an eager little sponge right now. I'd hate to see that killed because she was told she's learning too fast or too slow. I don't want her to be bored. I don't want her to stop loving to learn.

I don't want her to be competing academically against her peers. Learning shouldn't be about being the best or getting and A. It should be about genuinely learning and loving it and retaining. Because doing well for the A or to be the best is not really learning. I was that kid. I couldn't tell you most of the stuff I "learned" in kid. But I have the grades to prove I did...

And of course, J is more against the institution of school than I am. I do think that with the right school and the right kid, it can work out and be a good thing. J doesn't believe that anyone truly benefits from the school system. And I totally get where he is coming from. I had enough negative experiences in school to write a book, and I was a brown-noser, people-pleaser I wasn't the poor Mexican kid who had his head slammed into his desk by his second grade teacher because he was "too stupid" to read...or you know, just dyslexic...

Oh, Christ.

I know things are supposed to be different now in schools. But I still don't trust it.

If you were female and wore a low-cut top to my 7th grade Geography class you were insured a good grade. A 5th grade teach was sexually harassing his female students for years before anyone even pretended to care.

I was be-rated by my 10th grade English teacher because I was had written an essay "too good to be written by a 15 year old." Even after he was told by our headmistress that he was out of line, he never apologized to me.

I was given detention by one teacher because I wouldn't skip my biology class to help him decorate his classroom. For real.

In a class that was not remotely related to health or sexual education, we spent an entire class period discussing how everyone had lost the virginity with the teacher. Talk about awkward when you and one other girl realize that you're the only 15-year-old virgins in the class.

And these are just little things in the grand scheme of my whole educational experience.

And there are so many, many more just like it.

The fact that I still remember them, that I still remember the sickness it made me feel straight through to my core, tells me they were negative enough experiences to make a lasting impression on me.

I don't want my daughter or son to experience these things.

But I want H and B to have options. I want them to have a type of control over their life that I never felt I had.

But I also recognize how young they are. They still need guidance of some sort. They don't understand everything that comes from making a choice to attend school. Or not to attend.

I feel like I should have forever to figure this stuff out, but really I'm all ready so behind.

Too much stress, and not enough play...

I still don't know what to do.

I feel like every other aspect of parenting I really have my shit together and don't second guess myself or the choices J and I make.

But this one. This education thing. I'm so freaking lost.