There seem to be a lot of articles circulating lately about how you shouldn't tell children, most especially girls, how cute they are. That it diminishes their self worth. It causes them to focus on only aesthetic beauty and not their minds or hearts. That over all, the signal your giving is just wrong.
I agree.
Sort of.
Okay, I actually agree a ton. I dislike hearing people tell H a million and two times in one day how beautiful she is. I mean, I like it, because she is beautiful. And I tell her that a million times a day myself. But she is so much more than just her physical beauty.
So I agree that people should focus on more than just the physical beauty. But at the same time, how is a stranger supposed to focus on anything else? They don't know my child. They can't say, "Wow, you're a very kind girl." Or, "Oh, you're so intelligent or brave." She is those things too, of course. But if someone doesn't actually know her, then saying this is not being truthful. But if they can see her then of course they can comment on her cuteness.
I'm very guilty of doing this. Most especially with babies. A friend of mine had a little girl born on H's birthday this year and every. single. time I see her, I remark, "Oh my goodness, she's just so pretty!" I can't help it. She is pretty. I don't know her personality yet. I have nothing else to comment on other than her beauty, so I get it.
I know there is the camp that says if you can't comment on anything "worthwhile" (beauty isn't worthwhile in this camp) then to simply say nothing. Or state an observation.
And while I think that's a great option, I don't think that's the instinctual option most people have.
And although I find it crazy imperative that children, most especially girls, know that there is more to them than just beauty, I think it's important that they know they're beautiful, too.
It's something insane like 40% of 3 year olds know what "fat" is and about the same number of 6 year olds want to go on a diet. That floors me. And disgusts me. And makes me wonder what we as a society are doing so wrong.
Because I tell my daughter she's beautiful. Every day. But she has no concept of fat or overweight or diets. Just beauty. And she thinks everyone is beautiful.
Every night as I tuck her into bed I tell her, "You have a beautiful brain, a beautiful heart, and a beautiful outside." (I heard another momma say this once and really loved it). She knows that using her brain and being kind with her heart are important things. They are good things and respectable things.
But she also knows she's beautiful.
Because if we don't tell little girls they're beautiful, then what are we telling them?
That they're not?
I think it's important that they know they are gorgeous, inside and out. That they don't have to fit into some "ideal" image of what a girl is supposed to look like in order to be beautiful.
If we teach girls that they're beautiful while they're young, and not just that they are beautiful, but that all females are beautiful, then it won't be something we have to try and desperately help them to believe when they're all grown up, and realizing that the photo shopped images of beauty aren't real or attainable. But they're beautiful just as they are.
So although I wish that the strangers who take the 5 seconds to comment on my sweet girl's beauty could get to really know her. To know what a funny, serious, determined, empathetic young girl she is, I also get why all they say is, "Oh my goodness, you're so pretty!"
And it's okay.
Because she is.
All girls, young and old, are.
And they should be told.
Daily.
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