For some odd reason many people seem to equate non-punitive parenting to permissive parenting.
And it couldn't be farther from the truth.
I view non-punitive parenting as an extension of attachment parenting. Just the later years, as they grow out of infancy.
It means you value your children's emotions and words. You listen when they speak up about things, even if you disagree. You don't react brashly, especially to situations you actually didn't witness. You (rarely) give out arbitrary punishments. Time-out, grounding, spanking, etc., does very little to address the actual issue.
When my kids are crying, I'm there. When they throw tantrums, I let them. Tantrums are not unacceptable or punishable offenses. They're just how they are able to release their emotions.
When I ask H to do something and she doesn't like my request, I listen to her side of things. Typically, her side is completely reasonable. "I want to finish reading this book before I put my shoes on." "I want you to brush my hair before you brush my teeth." "I want you to help me pick up all of these dumped crayons." Etc., etc. Things that seem rather small and trivial to me quite honestly, but mean a whole lot to her. Waiting an extra two minutes while she reads a book is no big deal. Brushing her hair first or helping her pick up are such small things in the grand scheme of the world. Why make them into big deals? Why create a battle between us when we can use these moment to build our relationship positively?
If H or B comes to me tattling, I never assume they're lying. But I also never assume that the other party has done what they've been accused of. If I didn't see it, I don't know. So if H says B hit her, I help her with finding appropriate words to use in the future if such an event should occur again. I remind B of how much hitting hurts. But I don't dole out time-outs. It wouldn't make sense.
We do discipline our children. Very much so. The word discipline is derived from the word "disciple" which means "to lead." We lead our children every day to be kind, positive, helpful, compassionate human beings. We model kind manners for them and how to show others empathy.
When my children yell at me I don't yell back at them (though there are certainly times it is tempting!). I simply tell them that I do not speak to them in that tone, I'd appreciate not being spoken to like that, as well. Typically, that suffices.
I won't lie and say we never use consequences. Of course, we do. Typically it's natural consequences though. And not in a cruel manner.
I've heard of people allowing natural consequences to happen, but when they talk about it it is nearly spiteful if not downright mean.
For instance, before coming inside from playing outside we pick up our toys and chalk and put them away. One afternoon H was adamantly opposed to picking up her chalk, even with help. I calmly explained to her that it was supposed to rain and her chalk would turn to mush. Together, we could pick it up quickly and head inside. Again, she refused. So we went inside and left the chalk. Sure enough, the next morning, the chalk had disintegrated. She was disappointed, but also new she had a whole box of chalk inside in the closet (which might have made it easier for her to refuse to pick it up in the first place). She asked for the chalk and I gave it to her. But you know what, she hasn't so much as had to be reminded to pick up chalk before coming inside since that incident. I've even overheard her relaying to B a few times how it was necessary to pick it up or it would be ruined.
So it was a consequence. A mostly natural consequence. There were no power struggles between us or arbitrary punishments dished out. And she was forewarned of what would happen.
So there are consequences.
I still regress under stress and start counting to three. Of course, no one yet knows what happens when we get to that scary number three.
And I gave B his first time-out last week after a particularly stressful day of full on aggression. I called J, a little upset with myself and he simply reminded me that the rule of thumb in this house 1.) Love. 2.) Compassion. 3.) Love. 4.) Compassion. 5.) Consequence.
I remind myself daily that no person can control another human being. Yes, if they are afraid enough of you, you can likely get anyone to jump the second you ask of them. But that's not our goal in parenting. Instead, I just try to respect, respect, respect my children. In turn, they respect me. And thus typically have no qualms obeying when I ask something of them. Because they know we have a mutual respect for one another, and if they have an issue or opposition, I will listen. Because their issues and preferences and desires have value and will be heard.
We have structure and routines. We have meal times (though all day snacking), and bed times. The kids participate in organized activities and follow the rules and directions set up by other people.
It's not perfect. I'm not perfect.
During the most difficult moments I often have to stop and ask myself if I'm behaving in a way that is making my relationship with my children stronger, or weaker. Is this moment helping the adult my children will grow into, or just helping me?
As I've told J a million times, I believe so strongly and passionately in a way of parenting without punishments or (arbitrary) consequences at all. I've just not quite figure out how to make it work with our family. Or with me.
I haven't figured out how to 100% reprogram myself from my previous beliefs and ideas that I was raised with.
But I'm working on it.
But regardless. Even if I ever get to that place of 100%, we still wouldn't be permissive parents. Permissive parents don't have structure or rules. They don't teach compassion, they teach "me me me." And trust me, that's not the kind of parent I am. It's not the kind of parent J is. We're not "traditional," but we're also not stupid. We want to raise human beings who are successful on their own terms. Who are not "me-centric" and who think of the consequences to their actions and words.
So no. Permissive and non-punitive do not equate each other.
Not even remotely.
(And as I've said, we're not perfectly non-punitive anyway).
No comments:
Post a Comment