In which we attended a parenting class

When I told J last week, while he was on travel, that I'd registered us to attend a positive parenting class he first response was, "Why? We are such awesome and kind parents. I don't think we could possibly get any more awesome."

This is just one of the reasons I adore him, ha.

I obviously think we are great parents, too - I mean, who thinks they're not? We are all doing what we feel is best for our children and family. I don't think too many parents say, "Oh, I'm going to do x because I know it's really awful."

I read parenting books and articles out the wazoo because I am human. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, and I'm always ready to learn new things that might work for us or that I hadn't thought of before.

And so while much of what was said at the class we all ready knew and followed as it was all stuff that Dr. Laura and Alfie Kohn discuss and they're pretty much my Holy Bible of parenting, she certainly dished out some super insightful information as well.

Perhaps the most insightful was that although children are capable of doing x, it doesn't mean they always can. Her analogy was that she's a runner, and in the morning she can run ten miles. But if after running those ten miles someone were to ask her to run another ten miles, it just wouldn't happen. Yes, she is capable of running ten miles. She just did. But now at this moment she cannot.

So that made me stop and go "Ooooooooh!" Definitely an aha! moment. I know that I get super stuck on the fact that H or B can do something, but then when they don't later on it seriously frustrates me. But it makes sense. Depending on the situation, the day, the time, etc., they truly just may not be able to do it, even if they did earlier. And I'd never thought about it that way.

The other great insight she gave to me pertained to B specifically. B is aggressive. Sometimes. The other times he's the sweetest most loving doll baby you've ever met. But when he's aggressive, he can be intense. And generally saying things like, "Hitting hurts Momma" and "You're really upset" which often works in many other situations, just does not help when he gets into the super aggressive frame of mind. And thus, after a warning, I typically remove him from the situation to play in his room alone.

Oh, I've justified this to myself a million times although it always felt wrong. I'm not putting him in a time-out. He's free to play. He can come out on his own when he is ready to be nice. Etc., etc.

It still felt wrong. I still knew it was wrong on some level; I just couldn't put my finger on it.

And in a nutshell she said, "You're leaving him alone. You're telling him that at his very worst, you can't handle him. You only love him and want to be around him when he's behaving how you'd prefer."

And that really clicked for me. We don't let the people we love be upset and hurt by themselves. If J was mad or sad I wouldn't say, "Dude, go somewhere else until you're ready to put on a smile because your feelings are making me uncomfortable." So why the fuck was I doing that to my 3 year old?

Well, enough is enough. I am obviously not going to do that again. I'll stay with him. Even if it takes forever. Because my love is not conditional and I will prove that to him. I can handle those big feelings of upset. I can.

There was obviously a ton more that was discussed, but as I said, it was all ready the non-punitive and gentle way we parent. It made me feel really good though to see so many people there, especially dads because I feel like they get such a bad rap, wanting to learn and willing to change from previous generations.

It's hard to break a cycle. But I have a lot of faith that by the time my children are parents, the cycle will be mostly broken. That by then, enough children will have been raised with compassion and empathy that it will spread. So maybe my grandchildren will be the first generation of children raised with kindhess instead of fear. What a thought! How amazing would that be?

We probably won't go to another class, but I won't negate we did get some good info. But I will keep reading. I will keep utilizing new tools. I will keep making mistakes. I will keep apologizing. And I will keep doing better.

Because I'm learning. One moment at a time, I'm learning.