Showing myself grace

The last month or so has been especially challenging with my dear, sweet H. She's always been my vivacious child who just needs a little more. And sometimes I'm able to give her that more, and sometimes, well, I'm just not.

I mean, I try. Wholeheartedly and indefinitely, I try. But I am also human. So sometimes I simply fail. And I'm trying to learn to give myself some grace, which is rather quite difficult. I can find it in my heart to give my kids grace all day long, but myself, nope. No way. No, siree.

And then I saw it in my daughter yesterday. As she flew her hands up in tears at the piano bench. "I can't practice this because I won't be perfect the first time! I will fail and I can't fail! I can't do this!!!" And then she threw herself sobbing, into my lap.

I've never told her to play the piano. I didn't say she had to play or instrument or insist on piano lessons. I've never requested she practice a day in her life. She was the one begging for a piano at two. Begging for lessons. Throwing herself in front of it to practice.

Just like gymnastics.

Just like reading.

Just like everything she does.

But I saw it.

I saw me.

The inability to accept failure.

The inability to fail.

I'd rather not do something at all than risk doing it less than perfect.

Which is all fine and dandy, except you know, I'm a mom.

And I wouldn't give that up for the world. And I also will never be perfect at it.

You can see the heartache in this, right?

How can I possibly expect this perfect creature who is so much like me in so many ways show herself a little grace, when it's something I've yet to learn to do myself?

H is in the throw of transitions. So many overwhelming transitions for such a vivacious perfectionist.

And she's at her half year age, which for some reason, are always more difficult for her.

So here she is. 5.5 years old. A perfectionist. A know it all. A do it all. A social butterfly.

Her friends are all in school all day. And though school is open to her if it is what she wants (she did go to school last year, remember?), it's not what she wants. She has no desire to be gone all day from me. And I concur. I'd rather have her home, too! But it's hard for her in ways I can't quite wrap my brain around. She has an organized activity nearly every day (cheer/hip hop, gymnastics, piano, soccer), but she still misses playing with friends every day. Which isn't an option when they're all in school until dinner time.

I've had people tell me that this stage wouldn't be so difficult if I just put her in the school. It'd be the best for everyone.

But I know better.

It wouldn't "fix" anything. In fact, it would make it that much harder. I know my kid way too well. If it's not her idea and she's not fully ready, it's not going to be pretty or pleasant or fun. And that will simply never be in her best interest and I am so fortunate that I don't have to force such an issue. I can give her all the freedom, space, and time she needs for anything.

Plus, she's getting a baby sibling in roughly 4 months. She's so incredibly in love with Doodle Bug (and hoping that there are more to come after, ha!). And even though she only shows the excitement, I know there has to be a little underlying anxiety under there. I mean, she just watched Mommy puke her guts up for nearly 15 weeks. Momma couldn't pick her up the same as she used to. Momma lacked so much energy and cried way too much at the drop of a hat. And probably the very worst, Momma's patience is shot. It's hard and trying to muster the patience needed to gently and peacefully mother such a precocious child some days. And some days I miserably fall short. Though most days I succeed. But I've failed more than I'd care to admit.

That's hard to handle when you're only 5. Hell, it's hard to handle at 27, too! And I read every book and article in order to make those moments and days run as smoothly as possible and keep things to minimal stress and anxiety for her and B, but again, I'm not perfect.

So yes, the past month or so has been so, so very challenging. But it will get better. That's simply how it works. And we will all appreciate the smoother days just that much more because we've had to trudge through those harder moments.

In the meantime, I will work on showing myself some grace and hope, that like most other things my kids watch me do, say, and model so strongly for them, they will also note that Momma can give herself a little mercy and leniency for her own mistakes, so it's okay for them to do the same for themselves.