The 10 most important things you could ever learn from parenting books. Seriously.

If you are a parent, you must read a parenting book. Or 20. Seriously. It's imperative. Even if you think your kids are turning out fine. Even if you've got a methodology down that seems to really work for your family. Read a parenting book. Or 20. They will Blow. Your. Mind.

But in case you don't particularly want to spend your children's precious asleep time reading how you are doing everything wrong, err, I mean, how to better yourselves, here's the shortlist of 10 things that I've learned from my many endeavors with the Parenting aisle in Barnes and Nobles.

1.) If you tell your child "good job!" - ever - you will psychologically damage them. They will immediately cease to be individuals and will begin to only do things and be interested in things that will make you pleased enough to shower them with praise. So if you were like me, and said "good job" the first time the baby latched on at birth, you are screwed! So remember, no praise. You must always remain neutral, because if you also ever say anything negative, you will have killed their spirit and will to live. That's really all there is to it.

2.) Build your child up. At all costs. At all moments. Little Johnny is coloring the walls? Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT tell him "no!” Or that what he is doing is naughty. Even redirection is a bit sketch here. Instead, tell him what a beautiful art piece he has created, but maybe wouldn't he possibly like to think about coloring on a nice sheet of paper? Oh, no, he doesn't? Well, that's okay. He won't be 2 forever; he will eventually simply outgrow it, no redirection needed! (And then you can repaint your house).

3.) You must sleep train your child or they will never sleep. Seriously. If you do not allow your baby to cry himself to sleep, he will NEVER learn to fall asleep on his own. I mean, look at all the adults out there who cannot fall asleep. They've had really rough lives without sleep. So have all those kids who have never slept. I mean, ever. It's pretty rough. So sleep train your baby. The only way for a baby to fall asleep is by themselves. In a crib. Period.

4.) You must sleep with your child. You must never allow them to fall asleep on their own. It must always be at the breast. If they do not fall asleep on you or beside you while nursing, they will not feel attached and thus you will ruin the possibility of them ever having a good relationship with you. And let's not even talk about the relationships that you'll have completely ruined for when they're older - their romantic relationships. Make sure your baby sleeps with you. At all times. Period.

5.) If you give your baby formula they will die. It's really that simple. And if they somehow manage to survive they will be stupid and will not love you.

6.) If you breastfeed your baby she will become psychologically and sexually damaged.

7.) You must give your child choices. It makes them feel in control. Also, by giving them choices over trivial things like, "do you want to wear the purple shirt or the yellow shirt?" they will magically be okay when they get no say in the more substantial issues in their life.

8.) You must not give your child choices. Choices overwhelm small children and make them feel insecure. If mommy and daddy cannot make the choice themselves, how is little Sally supposed to?

9.) Time-out is a barbaric form of "punishment". (And you shouldn't punish your child anyway! Ever!) It's forced isolation and will make your child feel as if she is not worthy of love and you have banished her because your love is conditional on her behavior. Time-out is simply never acceptable.

10.) Time-out is the only acceptable form of punishment. Spanking is abusive and not punishing is permissive. Find a really good time-out stool.

You got all that? If you follow everything by the books, you'll have a perfect kid and be a perfect parent. So don't mess up!

I think it should go without saying that I’ve given up parenting books….