"Discipline is always about teaching the right, not punishing the wrong."

I've meant to sit down and blog about a million different things the past few days, but then I would get busy with something else and it never seemed to happen.

Well, I read something the other day. Something I all ready believed in, but really clicked for me.

I've always spouted that discipline and punishment are not synonymous. Discipline is "to guide or to teach" while punish is "to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death, etc., as a penalty for some offense, transgression, or fault." Yeah, and I'm definitely on the bandwagon that anything that has the words "pain, loss, confinement" or most especially "death" in their definition is definitely something I don't ever want to inflict on my child. But that's just me.

Then I read somewhere: "Discipline is always about teaching the right, not punishing the wrong." Which is obviously what I believe in, but put way more eloquently than I ever have. And I think it seems way more friendlier.

J and I were talking about this the other evening, as we both vehemently believe in that statement and a very peaceful and gentle way of parenting.

But anyone who does parent peacefully, especially beyond infancy, knows that it is certainly challenging sometimes.

It's completely easy to love on a baby all day and all night. To carry them and rock them and feed them on demand and not purposefully let them cry. Toddlers, preschoolers, and beyond...yeah, that's a different story.

Because they're their own people with personalities and opinions and if not raised to be afraid to share those with you - the certainly will! And a lot of times it brings a lot of laughs and more entertainment and insightfulness than you can imagine. Other times...yeah, not so much.

When you're 3.5 year old screams at you in the face, it takes sooooo much not scream right back. To just use a calm and respectful voice, or sometimes to walk away.

When you're 2 year old is repeatedly hitting everyone and everything in sight, it's hard not to go bonkers and to keep repeating, "Gentle hands. Mommy doesn't hit you, we don't hit other people. What's a kind way to use our hands? Let's go calm down and read a book instead." Especially when as soon as they get down to play, they're hitting again. It's frustrating.

Well, J said to me, while we were discussing what it meant to teach right and not punish wrong that we do punish the wrong.

"No, no, no," I declared. Then I pursed my lips and said, "I guess it depends on what you believe. When B hits we don't put him in time-out. We do get on his level and explain hitting isn't okay and if he continues to hit we'll have to go calm down, or if he's using an object inappropriately to hit someone/thing it will  have to put away until it can be used safely."

"Isn't that punishment?" He asked.

I shrugged. I don't know, I guess. I don't take toys away to make my children behave. I do put things away if they're being used unsafely. And I always explain why the toy needs a break. I don't do it angrily. I don't yell or make my children feel bad about it. I immediately find something else for us to do together that is safe and fun.

Well, what about when H is put in her room?

I was a bit stumped.

H is a lot like me in some ways. She needs time alone to unwind and get herself into sorts. Oftentimes she will take herself away to the calm down nook or simply to another room or her own room to calm down. But on occasion when she's in epic freak-out mode and me being with her isn't going to help the situation, I do put her in her room. Again, it's not done angrily or as punishment, but maybe it can be seen that way? I just tell her that she is safe in her room and free to play. When she feels better and is more calm she can join us again and we will talk about what is going on.

I don't lock her in her room or somehow force her to stay. I just put her there and she stays out of her own choice because she knows it's the best way for her to calm down. She always tells me why she was melting down and typically gives me a way to better handle whatever scenario lead top the moment without me even prompting.

So punishment?

I guess if you really wanted to stretch things, you could say yes.

But I still say no.

As their mother and as an adult it is my job to keep everyone in this house safe. If that means removing harmful objects from little hands, than so it be. It is also my job to help my children grow emotionally, and if that means helping to remind a tiny girl of where she best re-composes herself so that she's in a state to actually be able to think, then okay.

But I don't impose arbitrary consequences. Yes, natural ones occur all the time. They leave the caps off the markers after I asked them to pick them up, offered to help them, and told them what would happen if they left the caps off? Yes, they may be short a few markers. But I didn't get mad and throw all the markers away or put them in time-out for not listening to me or anything else. I explained the situation and the outcome, they made a decision.

But I do believe in teaching the right. So although I ask my kids to pick up their toys, I don't sit back and watch them. I help them. Usually we make a game of it. H picks up the dress up clothes while B gets the blocks and Momma gets the play food or something. Although H pretty much always does her part, B doesn't always. But that doesn't mean I stop and punish or threaten. I just keep picking up my part. Because the more and more he watches me do my part, the more often he does his because he sees that mommy doesn't stop, even if he does.

Although B hits, a lot, I don't hit him back. What would that teach? That teaching is okay, of course! If you're bigger, anyway. And if my children ever think it's okay for their momma or papa to hit them - the two people who are supposed to love them most in this world and protect them - then we shouldn't be surprised when they end up in abusive relationships. Because we just taught them hitting = love. I don't want to send that message. Ever.

Instead, I just keep on loving B. I will tell him hitting hurts until I'm blue in the face. I will show him gentle ways to use his hands. I will ask him to look at his sad sister. Together we will ask her if she's okay. And now he always asks her if he can give her a hug and make her better. And 85% of the time he tells her he's sorry (because I would never force him to say this. If he's not sorry and says he is, then I've just prompted my child to lie. No way).

H will probably yell at me when her emotions get overwhelming and have a sassy little know-it-all mouth like her momma for the next 10-20 years. Okay, I'm sure she'll eventually stop yelling at me. Not so sure she'll ever not be a know-it-all. Regardless, I will just keep being calm. Using a gentle voice. Firm when needed. I will continue modeling healthy ways of dealing with her emotions. And because I see how well she has all ready learned to slowly manage herself, I know it will pay off. Slowly, but surely, she will be able to handle her emotions in a safe, healthy manner. Which wouldn't happen if I yelled at her every time she made me mad. Because then I'd just teach her that yelling is okay. And it's not. Everyone needs to let their anger out. But in a healthy manner. Yelling at other people is not healthy.

So yes, I so strongly believe that "Discipline is always about teaching the right, not punishing the wrong." I think it may be my most favorite quote ever to summarize my strong belief. Because it's said truthfully, kindly, and straight to the point.

And although many will likely never agree, I know that my children do not ever need to be subject to pain, loss, or confinement to learn what is right. They will be good people because they are taught love and tolerance. Which is proven to be better than pain on any given day.