The truths I want H to know.

Sometimes, when I think about all the things I know and realize now, I wish I'd been told or shown them before I got this far in life.

And I truly hope that I am able to show my own sweet H the truths I wish I'd known.

Such as...

Prince Charming doesn't exist. He's not even a fairy tale. He's a flat out myth. BUT the man (or woman) who she loves so deeply enough to give her whole heart to will be a thousand times better than any story book prince anyway.

Child birth isn't as scary or painful as most people freak you out to be. It's a state of mind, and you'll do beautifully if that's the path you choose. You are strong and capable, and it's your right to have the experience that you want for yourself and your child. No need to fear anything.

Your first kiss shouldn't be under a Sponge Bob blanket on a bus going to a track meet. Let it be something special. Something treasured.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable or sets off those little warning signals in your head - just don't. Don't wear it. Don't say it. Don't do it. You have a conscience for a reason.

Beauty is a state of mind, my love. Not a state of body. And anyone who tells you differently is in a terrible state of mind. God made all things beautiful, which includes you. Always.

Words can build bridges, but they can also bring them crashing down. Choose them wisely. And when you carelessly hurt someone else, be compassionate enough to apologize.

Weakness is not saying you're sorry first - that's strength. Weakness is being too cowardly to never say you're sorry.

You are not responsible for how other people feel. But you have the power to put a smile on their face and lighten their load a wee bit if you care to - and I hope my sweet H, you will care to.

Sex really is worth waiting for. I know it's old school, but it's true. And you need a partner with a fantastic sense of humor for that first time.

It's okay to cry. It's okay to cry in the shower so no one ever knows. But it's also okay to cry in front of people, too.

Travel. See the world. It will teach you more than even good books could - and that's so much.

Give everything your all. Do your best. Even if you fail at something, it's better to be able to say you worked your hardest.

Don't be afraid to fight. Stick up for everything you believe in. But do fight fair.

Forgive. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Holding on to angry and hurt feelings is too draining. Forgiving is so hard sometimes, especially when the pain is deep, but you have to. Because you have a beautiful life to live.

Watching something unjust before you and doing nothing makes you just as bad as the perpetrator.

Marriage is beautiful. It's the most fun you'll ever have with your best friend. But it's also an act of commitment and courage. If you can not confidently say "I do" and know without a doubt it's forever, then don't do it. Marriage is sacred. 

Movies lie. Passion is not your matching bra and panty set (who has those?) lying on the stair case while you perform contorted aerobics on a desk. It's snuggled on the couch next to your partner while a sprawled toddler is on your laps, snoring rhythmically while you watch a television show before passing out cold from the beautiful exhaustion of family.

Home is not an edifice. It is not a tangible place. Home is the people you love. And if you remember that, you are always home.

Your crazy and bizarre questions are not so crazy and bizarre. Your friends all have them too. Don't be afraid to talk to them about it. They'll be relieved you brought the subject up first.

Always make time for yourself. Whether you are 3 or 83, everyone needs some space.

Do the things you love. Those will bring you happiness and success. Just remember that your happiness and success will not always even be remotely similar to someone else's.

Don't compare yourself to others. And don't bother worrying yourself about how they are or are not judging you. Focus on you, and everything else will fall into line.

You may not always have what you want, but you'll always have what you need. Don't lose sight of what is important.

No one is perfect. No matter how things may appear, something always has to give. There is no such thing as perfection.

Hold your babes a little tighter tonight.

In the past week I've had three friends, or friends of friends, lose their children. It really makes me want to pull my babies close to me and never let them go.

One sweet child was just a newborn who passed away from SIDS. A life lost before it had hardly began.

Another a 3 year old who was in a car accident with his momma. His momma walked away from the with hardly a scratch. I cannot even imagine what it was like to walk away without her dear boy in her arms.

And the third a sweet 5 year old who lost her battle with a terminal disease.

I can't even began to imagine these families grief. It breaks my heart. It makes me sit down and sob for these sweet angels; for their parents.

It makes me feel awful for being cross with my own sweet girl and not truly cherishing every second I am blessed with her. Or for scolding B for behaving wildly. You know, for treating my children like normal children. Which there is nothing wrong with.

But tonight I laid with each of them a little longer than I needed while they drifted into slumber land. I inhaled their sweet scents and truly thanked God for giving me two perfect, healthy, little miracles.

So give your babes an extra kiss tonight. Hold them just a little bit closer. Because we just never can be certain what tomorrow will hold.

Spanking is narcissistic.

I loathe when people say that parents who (wisely) choose not to spank, do not discipline their children.

I also despise that people believe that discipline is synonymous with punish, but that's a different rant.

Let's just call a kettle a kettle: Spanking is narcissistic.

It's lazy, irresponsible parenting that people who lack self-discipline turn to, typically as a relief for their own frustration, because it provides them a few moments of satisfaction and temporarily stops a child's behavior (or doesn't). It's used when people would rather "fix" a short term problem instead of helping their child come up with long-term solutions that will benefit their whole person.

Because let's be honest, true discipline is hard, hard work. It demands patience, commitment, involvement, creativity and more of that hard, hard work. It's not for the weak of heart.

It takes two seconds to respond to an ornery child and get the quick fix you want by smacking them. It takes a few extra minutes to offer a calm-down and a solution (and sometimes in public, with people watching - oh, the embarrassment and the horror!). If the child is in a particularly challenging mood, it could take much longer than a few minutes. And for some reason that kind of commitment to our kids is just too much to ask for. I mean, 90% of children in the US are still spanked regularly, so that speaks volumes on our willingness to truly commit to disciplining our children (and by this, I mean role model, role model, role model!).

Not to mention that we have overwhelming data that proves how damaging spanking is. I know lots of people use the "Well, I was spanked and I turned out fine" or "My parents spanked me and I never doubted their love" logic, but plain and simple: it's crap. Spanking damages the brain. It literally reduces the gray brain matter and therefore intelligence, learning, sensory perception, speech, muscular control, emotions and memory of the person being spanked. So even if you're "fine" - you could have been "great." And you owe great to your children.

Research consistently links corporal punishment with aggression in children, poor academic performance, depression, and anti-social tendencies, which includes the harming of animals. No one wants that for their kiddos.

Children learn by example. By watching their parents. The only example a spanking gives, no matter how "lovingly" it's given, or how much you talk with the child afterwards and pour more love onto them, it only shows bullying, fear and violence. It teaches children to control others and to relieve their frustration by hitting. Preferably someone who is smaller and more vulnerable than them, and looks up to them for everything. Why would you want to teach your child that it's okay to hit someone just because you're bigger? And then we wonder why there is such a growing "trend" of bullying. Because it's first learned in the home.

And once a spanking is given, it can never be taken back. So we have to work just that much more hard at parenting to help make it right.

So yes, spanking is narcissistic. It's a narcissistic act that parents carry out solely to make themselves feel better for a very short period of time.

And it's wrong.

Mesothelioma Awareness Day

Today is Mesothelioma Awareness Day.

If you're anything like I was up until a week ago, you're probably thinking: what's that?

Sure, I'd heard of the term in passing. I was pretty sure it was something cancer related. Then again, I assume all big words I don't know are cancer related.

I was contacted by an awesome mom, Heather, who shared her story with me. She is a mesothelioma survivor. She's been cancer-free for 7 years.

A lot of people diagnosed with mesothelioma aren't given much hope to live 7 months.

But Heather had a reason to live. A pretty damn good one.

Her sweet baby girl who was only 3.5 months old when she was diagnosed.

I planned to write a whole lot more about Heather and mesothelioma today, but things have been a little crazy and I'm all ready late to H's swim lessons, so I will leave you with this link: www.mesothelioma.com/heather/awareness/

Go read about Heather. Click over to her blog from this link. Hear her story. Her pain. Her victory. Her awesomeness.

She's an amazing woman. An amazing mom. And she's a survivor.

A green light - I'm doing something right

Sometimes I question this whole parenting thing. I think it's normal. To question ourselves.

I also think it's healthy. It's what makes us investigate deeper into different things. It is what allows us to grow both as parents and as human beings.

I always find myself questioning how I've handled situations. The day in general. Was I too lenient? Or worse, too hard on one of my kids? Were my expectations age and child appropriate? Was I engaging and attentive enough?

Did I listen to H and B? I mean really listen to them.

Did I have all the facts to a situation before budding in and taking over? Did I give them the opportunity to work things out for themselves?

There is no manual for this whole parenting thing, that's for sure. All I know is that I'm mostly trying to do everything opposite of what seemingly the majority of people are doing. Because I know I want a different relationship with my kids' than how most relationships turn out. I want something better.

But as I said. There is no manual. So maybe I will get a different relationship. But maybe it won't be any better.

Who knows?

I certainly don't.

But my precocious little girl gave me a good green light this evening. After we'd said our bedtime prayers, and she was cuddled under her blanket and we spoke of today's events and our big feelings and our nonsensical banter, H suddenly got serious and said to me in her wise old way, "Mommy, you're the best mommy. You're not so big and mean and mad like some mommies. You just say 'I'm getting really frustrated' and walk away like a good mommy instead of huffing and puffing. You're the best mommy in the world. You're such a beautiful person."

Of course, my very first mental response was, "No, you are such a beautiful person, my dear H." Then it was, "Did a 3 year old just say that!?"

So I question myself sometimes. Not half as much as I used to, that's for sure. But it's still there occasionally.

And when it starts to creep up on me, I've got this incredible little girl who dissipates any worries I've got of messing up.

Because she's amazing. Incredible. And so is B. Which means I'm doing something right.

Mostly.

We'll overlook that B tried to eat my arm yesterday morning. That's a symptom of his current zombie cold, I'm sure. Not me.

Not everyone has options, that's why it is our job to fight for them

I got a LOT of great responses from my blog post last night. Responses both publicly and privately.

I had a few people whom I hold very dear and near, and whose opinions I deeply value, send me private messages that I would like to address openly. Obviously those people wish to remain anonymous, so no worries!

Three good friends of mine are very pro-public school. They expressed concern that I don't see the value of it or understand that for some people it is the only option.

Firstly, I do believe in public school. Deeply and strongly. I very much see the value of it. I wish we had amazing public schools in which every single child in America thrived. Where they grew as whole people and were able to follow their passions and participate in hands-on learning. Where they are treated kindly and respectfully and as an individual.

I want this for all kids. Not just mine.

But I'm also not willing to throw my kid into the system and hope it all works out when I'm fortunate enough to have the option not to do so.

But for those who have no other choice, I empathize. I'm willing to help and to rally for you to have better options. Such as the aforementioned charter school. Because charter schools are public schools. And they're an option.

Many kids do thrive in a traditional public school. Either because the learning system is ideal for their personality or because they have amazing parents who are helping and rallying for them. Who refuse to give up. And that's awesome.

But not all kids truly thrive in a traditional school setting. Public or otherwise. Not all kids are capable of learning that way.

And that's okay, too.

And not all kids have a great support system at home, whether because their parents simply don't realize they need to be more involved, don't have the ability to do so, or simply don't care.

But all children and families deserve options. Public, free options, at that. We owe it to our children. Not just the ones we birthed, but the children of our communities. The children who will be the adults some day, and who have the power to change the world. Who if we teach now that they deserve better, that they are worth more; will also see and teach that to their children. And in turn, things will get so much better. Our schools will get better. Our world will get better.

I don't believe in utopia. I don't think it exists. But I do believe in dystopia. And I do think that is where we are headed at a drastically alarming rate.

But we have the power to change it. If we don't accept "fine" for our kids. If we don't teach our kids that it's a hard and unfair world and they had better buck up and deal with it. We have the ability to teach our children to be more than cynics and pragmatics. We can teach them to be kind and caring, and to extend a helping hand to others. And no, the world probably won't transform over night. And yes, there will always be those people who don't share a beautiful and kind vision of the world, but it certainly doesn't hurt to try.

Another friend asked if I realized how truly fortunate I am, to have so much power and the ability to choose so much of my life. And my children's.

Yes, I'm aware.

I'm extremely fortunate. I'm in a very fortunate position.

I am fortunate that I have the ability to be home with my kids. There are many people - moms and dads - who would love to be home with their children every day, to be the primary example and role model, and cannot do so. I have friends who are both college educated and work full-time, and together they still live under the poverty line in the U.S.

On the other hand, I have plenty of friends who have no desire to be home with their children each day, even though they could afford to do so. And that's okay.

I'm fortunate because not only do I want to be home with my kids, I can. I have an amazing husband who works hard to allow for it.

I'm also in the fortunate position of location. I live in a phenomenal town. It's open, diverse, and very progressive.

A little boy wearing a tutu and sparkly shoes isn't given a second glance. Even if he doesn't have a sister. My children have no idea that marriage is traditionally between a man and a woman and that there are people who disagree with two people of the same sex loving each other. Love is just love to them.

It's normal for children to speak more than one language, and English not be the first one they learned. We are surrounded by a diverse mix of people, ethnicities and religions. And we manage to do more than just peacefully co-exist in this town - we happily live together. And that's amazing.

We may have shoddy public schools, but we do also have some stellar public schools. I've had friends move across town just so they'd be in the best school district. So they do exist. If the traditional school setting is what is best for your child.

We also have some great private schools. If you can afford them. And I'm fortunate that if it seemed to be our only option, we could make it work. Because we have given up a lot of other luxuries like cable TV and new cars and going out to eat regularly. We buy the bulk of our "stuff" used or second hand. And J and I pretty much never buy stuff for ourselves.

We have a pretty tight knit community. We're the people who come together to help a little boy we've never met get a new pair of glasses. We give $40 outgrown shoes to other kids without so much as an "I OWE YOU." We let mom's we've never seen face to face borrow slings for their tots. We are an amazing community of love of and helpfulness. And I do realize that this isn't the norm every where. So I realize how fortunate I am to be here. And to be a part of something so wonderful.

So trust me. I do see the need and the value of public schools. I do fully realize that for many people, there are no other options. And I know how fortunate I am to have options.

And even if I choose not to utilize my options here, it doesn't mean I won't stop rallying for them to exist for the good of everyone.

Because everyone deserves to have a choice. A public, free choice. The same choices I have. The same support system and the same hope for a better system for our kids.

Because all of our kids deserve better. We owe it to them.

Everyone deserves a choice for their child's education

I'm pretty impassioned about education. Especially my kids' education. But I think that all kids deserve an excellent education.

It seems, however, that most public schools fail to see that all kids deserve a great education. Not an equal education. An equal education is like telling a fish, an elephant, and monkey to climb a tree. That's what they have to do. Even though it's simply not going to work for them all.

An excellent education would cater to the child. It would allow them to get from point a to point b in a manner that best works for them. Because all kids do not learn alike. It's as simple as that. And all kids will not retain the same information or do well in the same classes. And that's totally fine! Because they're not all going to grow up to do the exact same thing.

There is a local charter school that is trying to come to fruition here in my town. It is Waldorf-inspired. I could write about fifty blog posts explaining the Waldorf philosophy and all the reasons it appeals to me, but it'd just be easier if you google it. Like all education philosophies, there are things I don't love about it, but as a whole, I'm very much in favor for it.

Since this school would be charter, they do have to participate in standardized tests, which is a huuuuge drawback for me. Otherwise though, it sounds amazing. It sounds like an environment my kids would thrive in. Yes, thrive.

So see, I'm not anti-school overall, but I am anti-school with our current options. And I do love the idea of spending each day with my kids because I truly enjoy being with them, and it makes me sad to think about sending them off for the bulk of their day every day.

I still feel pretty strongly about homeschooling. But as I've always said, nothing is 100% and I'll never say never. So if this Waldorf-inspired charter school comes to be, maybe my kiddos will go.

Maybe not.

But I like the idea of having that option.

Of other families in this awesome community having that option.

So this evening my friend S and I attended a public meeting in which the school was discussed and then the public was free to comment about the proposed school - in favor or not. All the ideas and thoughts would be taken into consideration as the powers that be diligently listen and use these comments to help them decide yay or nay.

I had no intention of speaking. I just wanted to hear more about this possible option. I like to keep my doors open.

I would say that the majority of people who showed up were in favor of this school, but there was a good handful of people, mostly those on the local school board, who were not in favor. Mostly they lamented how the school would take away from them and their programs.

I get it. I really do. Our public schools are drowning. Our education system doesn't know what the fuck is going on or how to fix it (hint: Maybe take a clue from Finland. They seem to have their shit together). As the school board members so eloquently put it, for each child in the schools, they receive $5,500. So if 200 of them go to a different school - this proposed PUBLIC charter school - they lose roughly 1 million dollars.

We'll just pretend we don't spend the most money per child in a first world country on education and yet have one of the worst education systems. Though my child being worth $5,500 each year to the schools was reiterated by every person who was against this school, that if I wasn't all ready turned off of our local schools, I really am now. They see nothing more than dollar signs when they see my kids.

And quite frankly, my kids are more than just a dollar sign. So a little upset and a lot impassioned I told them just that. In front of a few too many people and on local TV, I told them how my amazing kids love to learn. How they're little sponges who love to be involved in their learning, not simply taught at. I told them my 3.5 year old can read. And what would become of her in our local public school; a kindergartner in a class of 30 kids with one teacher and not even an aide! (And yes, I do realize that not all of our local elementary schools have these ratios, but they do in fact exist in many of our elementary schools).

Yes, yes, my sweet H would make straight A's no doubt. And in school, I guess that's the point. But I want her to be more than just one kid out of 30. More than just another A-student. I want her to thrive. I want her to be engaged in her learning process and love it. I want  her involved and challenged. I want her to be passionate.

All the things I never was in school.

But don't worry.

I made A's.

So I turned out fine.

But I want more than "fine" for my kids.

I feel very strongly about this school. Whether or not my kids even ever have the opportunity to attend it (it's charter, so lottery) I think it's an amazing opportunity for so many kids in this community. I think it's a great way to teach the whole child, and to teach them about the things that matter. Not just teach them to take a test. Because the real world isn't about taking tests. And I certainly hope their lives become something they're passionate about, not something repetitive and mundane because they weren't given the ability to find their passions in their youth because they were too busy taking tests.

It's fine if people don't love this option of schooling. It's fine if they choose something else for their kids. But I think that everyone at least deserves the opportunity to have options about schooling.

Whatever their choice be.