Little Moments

Don't you love it when you are finally able to pin point exactly what is causing your anxiety?

I've been so worried upset anxious about leaving the kids and I couldn't figure out the real reason.

They're with their papa. So I'm not worried about their quality of care. There is no care better than J. He's the better parent of the two of us. So I know they'll be fine in that aspect.

I was/am worried about separation anxiety. Mostly at night when B wakes up. He doesn't let J comfort him at night the same way H does. Or if they get hurt. They always want momma over papa.

But really, even that I knew J would handle just fine. So it couldn't be the reason for the pit in the center of my stomach, slowly gnawing away on me.

And then it hit me.

It's the moments. The little moments.

I'm going to miss them. For a whole week.

I will miss those sweet tiny B arms, clasped around my neck, smothering my face in kisses. I will miss H's small hand enveloped inside mine as we walk down the sidewalk.

I will miss hearing H say, "I will help you," to B. I will miss the way B looks at H like she can move mountains, and the way H smiles at B because he's her baby brother.

I will miss H's crazy jokes and the way B mocks me whenever I'm trying to scold him.

Don't get me wrong, the big moments are great too.

But it's those little moments that truly make my heart swell.

And I will miss them.

And that's so selfish.

Because J misses so many of them working his ass off so that I don't have to. It's not any easier for him than it is for me not to get every second as a beautiful memory to lock away for the future when our babes are full grown and we have nothing but those sweet memories. But he sacrifices them so that I can have them.

And so for one week, he gets them, too. His own precious little moments to store in his heart and memory forever.

And I'm jealous of him.

That's ridiculous, right?

I'm jealous that he gets for one week all to himself something that I've gotten for four years. Something that I so frequently get all to myself.

But I am. I won't lie and pretend I'm not. I'm sorry to miss a week of great memories with them.

But I am also so excited for the three of them. They get a whole week to bond and play and get to know each other on a whole new level - without momma. And that is such a beautiful thing.

And although I'm sorry to miss it, it simply couldn't happen with me there.

So I'm glad. I'm glad they get to have precious time and moments together that they wouldn't have had otherwise if I'd been there.

And I will be so happy to hear all their wonderful stories. And to hold those tiny babes in my arms again.

And to know that J has a heart full of joy and beautiful moments the next time he is forced to leave us for work so that I can be the one to relish in and be a part of all those little moments he has to miss.

He does so much for us. He deserves one week for him.