There is no appropriate title here. I could say something tragically poetic like "Another angel gets her wings" or dark humored like "Another one bites the dust" but really, none of it it works...

My brain has been all over the place these past few days. I've been hesitant to write about any of it, but not talking about it doesn't erase it from having happened.

Wednesday, as I sat in the pediatrician's office with my tiny 10th percentile boy, holding him on my lap while they drew blood for what was roughly his 1232897 lead test in the past year and a half, my phone rang.

It flashed "Dad" at me and my heart sunk, and at the same time, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my chest. I wasn't even in a position to answer the phone at that moment, it wasn't until nearly an hour later, but I all ready knew.

My grandmother had left this Earthly world.

For the past week while she'd been in ICU, and then moved to comfort care, I found myself breaking down during the oddest of times and places, mostly because I was rarely alone, I'm sure. I cried while I drove back and forth, back and forth, with Frozen blaring so my sweet babes wouldn't suspect that their momma was falling apart in the front seat.

My dad would call with an update if I weren't there at the hospital, and I'd handle the information stoically.

Then I'd hang up and cry. Thoughts of the Grandma I knew as a small girl filled my head, because truthfully, I saw her less as an adult than I did as a child who spent a lot of time with her during school breaks.

But when my Grandma Genie actually passed away, I had no more tears.

That's probably an awful thing to admit. But it's the truth.

My grandma was always so independent and strong, and the woman laying in that bed those last few days was just not her. It was a shell of the woman she was.

I was happy she was finally at peace. That she wasn't in pain.

I've seen so much death in my life. I've lost so many people dear to me that you'd think at this point it'd be easy. But it's not.

But we found the bright light from it all. We had an impromptu family reunion. My cousins and aunts were all here. One of my little brothers. My older brother flew in from his ship.

And the most beautiful thing I heard was when little H sat on my dad's lap, and he explained heaven to her and how my grandma had a sweet baby girl waiting for her up there. And H nodded and seemed to take it all in, smiling about that sweet baby that was finally getting her momma back.

Hanging out with their tios.

Sitting with Grandpa next to Grandma.

Band jam session.

Hanging out with their cousins and a puppy!

4 generations. How lucky she was to have known 12 great-grandchildren!

All the back and forth driving, hotel staying, and long nights wore these two out!

 Exhausted. But B fought the sleep so he could enjoy his brownie!

Gettin' his dance on on Grandma's front porch!

Nothing like a good tickle fight to liven a hospital room up!

Brownie time!

H insisted Tio K play the banjo again.

H smothered Tio K's hospital cafeteria pizza in sour cream. What love!

 

 

My heart is so heavy with this loss. But I know it's the circle of life. It is what it is, and the show much go on.

 

So while my fam jam are together now up in Minnesota, spending time with one another, and my dear husband is out of town for three weeks, I am so fortunate to have my two beautiful babies, who make my heart swell with joy every time I think of them.

 

And some really lovely weather for us all to enjoy.

 

And I will leave you with this, a poem I found amongst some pictures and papers of my grandmothers:

FOR THOSE I LOVE

FOR THOSE THAT LOVE ME...

 



          When I am gone, release me, let me go...
          I have so many things to see and do.
          You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears,
          Be happy that we had so many years,
          I gave you my love.  You can only guess
          How much you gave me in happiness.
          I thank you for the love you each have shown
          But now it's time I travelled on alone!

          So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must.
          Then let your grief be comforted by trust.
          It's only for a while that we must part.
          So bless the memories that lie within your heart.
          I won't be far away,  for life goes on
          So if you need me, call and I will come.
          Though you can't see me or touch me, I'll be near.
          And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear.
          All of my love around you soft and clear.

          And then when you must come this way alone...
          I'll greet you with a smile and "Welcome home."


P.S. B's lead levels are no longer toxically high!!! They're down to 3.9. Not perfect, but not dangerous! My baby is finally HEALTHY!!!!