I think the only thing worse than hearing parents say they don't "allow" their children to throw tantrums, is hearing that their kids in fact, do not ever throw tantrums. Because then the kid has all ready been "broken" to an extent. And the issue becomes so obvious when learning that as children, the parent wasn't permitted to throw a tantrum either.
Kids need to throw tantrums. They need to scream and cry and rage about. When their frustrations intensify to the point that they need a release, this is their release. And it should never be admonished or ignored or punished. It is the child's only way to express their emotions and convey that they don't know how to deal with them and they need help doing so. That they need to be heard by their parents.
But tantrums can be hard to deal with for parents. Especially tantrums in public or tantrums bring thrown by older children (over 2). And they are especially difficult for parents to accept and deal with if they themselves were not allowed to express those emotions when they were young. If they were stifled and punished and told that expressing their feelings and frustrations was "bad" or a form of "misbehavior" and were punished or ignored for such feelings, it can make it that much more difficult. And if as an adult the parent has yet to find a safe and appropriate way to release those emotions, accepting your child's feelings is nearly impossible.
Because frankly, accepting, allowing, and helping a child through a tantrum can be difficult and trying for the most emotionally-stable and patient parent in the world. So when you add your own baggage on top of it, it's easy for it to get out of hand or turn into a moment when you just tell your child it is unnacceptable or walk away in anger.
When your child so loudly expresses his frustrations and feels safe enough to let you see him cry and rage, as a parent who was never allowed to do so, it can stir up your own unresolved feelings and hurt your inner child who feels the need to compete with the child wailing on the floor or pulling books of the shelf in a rage. Your inner child wants to scream, "Well nobody listened to me when I was your age! No one every has cared about my needs and emotions!"
And of course, this kind of inner conflict can cause many parents to feel shame. It can cause them to struggle with their own emotions, and to struggle with helping their child in a healthy manner. And to be truthful, it's understandable. When you carry such a backhistory of unresolved pain related to unmet needs, it is difficult to be the person helping your child with his pain and own needs. It is often difficult to show ourselves the same compassion we wish to show our children and others, and yet it is important if we wish to help our children with their big feelings, most especially during a tantrum when they are in desperate need the most for our help.
As a parent we can only meet our child's emotional needs when are able to give time, thought, and genuine empathy to the places deep inside of ourselves that give us our most emotional conflict. Those dark areas where we've hoarded away, like subconsciously, our unmet needs. We can only undergo real transormation when we are able to accept and own up to our own emotional reactions to our children and realize that our difficulty helping our children and allowing them those emotions lie deep within our inner child and the pain of unmet emotional needs from our past, and in some cases, even our present.
We each must find the ways that meet our needs and help us to resolve our issues the best for us. I obviously do this through writing, others choose yoga or meditation, journalling, therapy, spending time under the stars with a glass of wine, running, talking with a trusted friend or even inner-child writing. There is no "right" way to deal with your unmet emotional needs, just a genuine need to do it for the sake of your little darling child.
When we have taken the steps to heal ourselves, we are empowered to give others the same quality of attention, empathy, acceptance and stress release that we've gifted ourselves. Feeling the calm, peace and clarity that follows stress-releasing outlets reminds us and empowers us to gift our child with a similar quality of listening and emotional release when their upsets bubble to the surface.
It is never easy to listen to a child, whether they be one year old or eleven years old, scream and cry. It isn't pleasant to watch them flail on the floor or destroy their room. But it is our job as their parents, to let them know that it is okay to scream and rage and release those big feelings. And that we're right there to help them in whatever way best suits the child. If they need five minutes to beat pillows by themselves, or if they need to sob in your chest while you rock them, or they want to just lay down and cry, without you speaking or touching them, but with you still present. They need to know that it is acceptable. "Allowable." That their emotions are appropriate and that they are safe to express them with someone who cares and loves them nearby.
Children throw lots of tantrums sometimes, regardless of age. Even children who have been armed with the best tools of self-control or "better" outlets still just need to tantrum on occassion. And that's normal. And okay!
It's annoying that little Sally cries every. single. time you go to Target and you tell her you will in fact not buy her Gothic Barbie. But she's not crying to annoy you or frustrate you. She's crying because she is frustrated and unhappy. She wants it. It doesn't matter if she is three or thirteen, sometimes crying is simply the best coping mechanism. She needs you to show her empathy. To aknowledge you know how badly she wants it and that you realize it is very difficult not to have it. She needs you to also be clear that you've all ready said no though.
Maybe you feel weird and awkward to be the one with the tantruming kid in Target. Well, for just a second swallow your pride and focus on your own child, not the rest of the world. Help your child deal with her emotions. Let her cry, even if she needs to cry for ten minutes. Let her know it's okay to have those feelings.
It's so easy as a parent to say, "You're not getting it, now stop crying" or "Everyone is watching you. That's enough all ready." But ignoring your child's emotional needs or shaming them for having them isn't going to set your child up to be in the healthy emotional place you want them to be.
And I'm not saying that all children must scream and rage on a regular basis, or even ever, to be emotionally healthy. Maybe at an early age your child has learned that simply walking away and settling down with a book in solice is the best way for her to deal with the stress of her big feelings. Maybe crying softly by herself or running laps around the house or drawing pictures or cutting paper or a multitude of other things may be how your child deals with her feelings and big frustrations. How your child is able to release her emotions. Be aware of them. Accept them.
And also accept that although little Sally may outgrow the screaming, crying tantrums and find other appropriately healthy ways to deal with her emotions, she might not either. Tantrums, even at forty, might just be how she needs to release.
That's okay!
So deal with your own inner child so that you can be at a healthy place to share empathy with your child when he's dealing with his own big feelings.
It is one of those things in life and in parenting that you will never regret doing.
There are no regrets doing right by your child.
No comments:
Post a Comment