Diffusion not distraction

I don't believe in distraction. I know, I'm committing like a cardinal sin in parenting, because we are told by everyone in the world that distraction is one of the best parenting "tricks" in the world.

I do believe in preventing issues from the get-go. But not all things can be prevented, that's just life. And when there is a crisis, I prefer to diffuse, not distract.

Sometimes diffusing toddler frustrations (or Mommy frustrations) can be difficult. Because when someone is worked up, who wants to unwind so easily? And obviously, as I've said before, I believe in letting those frustrations out - it's only healthy.

But let's face it. Sometimes you just need some diffusion from the situation.

I hate saying distraction, because I don't agree with that. Distraction implies that you are ignoring the situation all together and not addressing it now or later. And that's not helpful or beneficial for anyone.

But diffusion is simply helping the child calm down so you can move along because you have an appointment in five minutes and the babe is still naked with unbrushed teeth. Or because your babes might kill each other due to some fight amongst themselves, and you have to step in (though I try very hard to not get in the middle of their qualms unless someone is getting physical).

How do we diffuse, you ask?

For us, we sing!

I'm not going to win an award for my vocal talents any time soon, but it's enough to help my kiddos. We have the "mad song" which is the most common in my house, though we also have the "yelling song" and others. And the "mad song" is sang pretty much every day. Often several times a day, just to help (typically H) get to that place of coherentness so we can address an issue, such as B stole her crayon, etc.

Our mad song is easy, it's two verses repeated over and over, and typically over again.

(In a whisper, with a grumpy face) When I'm mad I act mad.
(Loud, with a smile) But when I'm glad I act glad!

Oftentimes by the time I've made it to "glad" H is all ready laughing and singing with me. She likes to make her "grumpy face" for the mad verse, and laugh and yell as loudly as possible for the glad verse.

So in a situation where she has gotten angry that B has taken a crayon she was using away from her, and she reacted by yelling/using an unkind tone of voice, chasing, or trying to forcefully take the crayon back, we diffuse the situation (almost always by singing), and then address the situation.

I will empathize with her angry feelings because her brother took something she was using without asking. I will tell her I understand it makes her mad when people take things out of her hands, and gently remind her that is why we do not take things out of other peoples hands ourselves. I help her to use her words to tell B how she feels - "I don't like it when you take things without asking." Together we will ask for the crayon back from B, and obviously he pretty much never gives it back. We address the fact that he is a baby, and just as she didn't know these things when she was as small as him, he doesn't either. We have to show him how we want to be treated. And although it's really super hard, we cannot forcefully take the crayon back. We have to act nicely to B, let him know we were not finished using it and would really like it back, but if he doesn't return it, simply use another crayon. And when he is done, then we can have it back. Because although it's hard, if we want B to learn to treat us that kindly, we have to treat him kindly first. If we react unkindly and take things forcefully, demanding he "share," then we are showing and teaching him that his behavior was, in fact, correct and the way we'd like him to continue acting towards us.

It's hard. Incredibly hard.

And of course throughout this I always address B and say things like, "H is really sad you took that crayon from her" and later, when he does finally give it back, "H is so happy you gave that back to her."

Yes, maybe it'd take less time for me to either 1.) simply take the crayon forcefully back from B and demand he "share" (because we all know we love it when we are forced to share and it compels us to do it again later on) or 2.) distract H from the stolen crayon and get her immediately busy with a different crayon or activity.

But neither of those address the issues. Neither help equip either children with the know-how for the future. H has the right to speak up for herself and let B know she doesn't like things taken from her, but also be able to accept that if she wants him to not take things from her, she cannot take things from him either, even though it may be difficult. She also has the right to know her hurt feelings are real and valid. And B has the right to hear from H that she doesn't like his actions and he has the right to see how his actions make her feel.

Distractions sugar coats all of that and no one learns anything nor do they learn how to handle the situation in the future.

So yes, we diffuse, so that we can address and learn. Not distract, because no learns from that.