"Our children are spoiled, our elders abused."

Recently a friend stated, upon their views of America as a whole that "our children are spoiled and our elders are abused."

To be honest, when I first heard him say this I thought it was ridiculous. Like absolutely.

I mean, you can't even spoil children. They're people, not foods. They don't spoil!

And our elders, well, my experiences are limited. But my grandparents all seem fine. They're loved and can take care of themselves.When my grandpa got to the point where he needed some assisted living, he was well cared for and our family visited often. During his last days he was surrounded by those who loved him; never was he abused.

But after I let this sink in, once I was able to let my defensive front down (you know the one - the one you automatically put up when anyone challenges your beliefs), I started to get it. And believe it.

Actually, I have two separate feelings on this subject. On the one hand, I so very strongly agree with statement. Perhaps on a more materialistic ground. On the other hand, I vehemently disagree with this statement.

Let me explain.

I know there are spoiled children and abused elderly in this country (and elsewhere). But when you state that a whole nation is a certain way, it really makes you reflect on your own life.

Before we ever got married, I made it very clear to J under what circumstances I would leave this marriage without thinking twice. They were pretty basic - you abuse me or our children, I'm gone. You begin abusing substances (alcohol, narcotics, etc.), I'm gone. And the third one, the one I'm now questioning, you ever put anyone or anything before our children, I'm gone.

They seemed reasonable and basic. I wouldn't be part of an abusive relationship or allow my children to be harmed in any way (this includes mental and emotional, not just physical). I wouldn't be with someone who was dependant on mind-altering substances. And I wouldn't be with someone who found any thing, person, or situation more important than his children. These all stemmed from things from my own childhood, and they seemed totally acceptable.

J agreed.

This 3rd clause in our agreement, if you will, included finances. We would never be giving money to other people (i.e., family) while saying that our children could not do or have something.

It made sense to me. If we couldn't afford our children's clothes or food or even extracurriculars, then we were not in a position to be helping out others financially.

But I'm starting to see how ridiculously selfish this is. Of course it is our duty to put our children's needs first. They should be (well) fed, (decently) clothed, and always have heat and water. Those are necessities.

But my very strong belief was that if we could not afford a $50 dress or $200 karate lessons or whatever, because we needed to pay someone else's mortgage, well, screw that. Someone else's mortgage doesn't get paid.

They put themselves into that situation. They're adults. They should take care of themselves.

But I also come from a culture where we don't care for our elders. We abandon them in nursing homes when they need help or assistance. We let the banks take their homes when they can no longer afford them.

And by golly, we don't feel bad or guilty for it. I mean, they're adults, for crying out loud. They should have foreseen all of this. They should have planned things better. What kind of grown person must depend on their children?

But I'm getting it now.

Slowly.

I still struggle with it.

Every day.

But I also have come to a place where I realize that $50 towards, say, my in-laws mortgage is better spent than $50 on a dress H will wear once (and yes, I've done that. More than once...).

Call me dense. Call me shallow. Whatever. (I'm 24! I'm still figuring this stuff out.)

I've never cared about money in terms of myself, but the idea that I couldn't or wouldn't give my kids everything under the sun that I had the means to was unfathomable once upon a time. And now I get that part of teaching my children compassion and generosity, obviously starts with me, showing them that just because they could have or do something doesn't mean that they need to. Because sometimes we have to put other people's needs first.

Yep, I'm dense.

So that's where I agree with the statement that our children are spoiled and our elders abused.

I deeply believe that the majority of Americans are more wrapped up in giving their kids "better" or even "everything" that they find it appropriate to ignore the elders. To withhold from them in order to provide this "better" to the young. Even though these things might not be essential, and for the elder, what we are withholding is indeed, essential.

Now, on to how I disagree with this statement. Vehemently. Passionately.

Within this same conversation it was mentioned that our elders were raised in an abusive time, and our children are raised in a spoiled time. (It seems, according to this person, however, there was no "safe" time). Again, I hate general blanket statements that encompass everyone as a whole because they are simply never true.

I'm sure to an agree, abuse was more prevalent when our elders were children. But we also have different ideas of abuse between then and now. Not that it makes it okay, but being whipped with a switch 60 years ago wasn't considered abuse. Now you'd get the cops called on you, I'm sure. Heck, now you'd get the cops called on you for allowing your child to ride their bike in your cul de sac without you watching (this just recently happened in Texas). It's all just a difference in times, I suppose. 

But in general, the person who made this profound statement about spoiled children and abused elders said that we allow our children to do as they please. We are ridiculously free-range and do everything child-led. To the point, of course, that children lack a respect for the elderly or authority. They do not do as they are told when they are told, etc., etc.

Yes and no, I agree. I obviously believe really strongly in raising free-range kids, allowing them to lead their own paths. If they don't want to sit down and color or practice letters, I say no problem. I cringe when they participate in organized activities and are told to stand in line or sit down and be still. I suppose there is likely a time and a place for everything, but I don't like lines for small children and I hate the idea of them sitting and being still. It seems so unnatural and like they're so defeated.

I believe that children have the right to scream and cry and shouldn't be so scared as to immediately quiet their feelings just because a parent or other adult figure has told them to do so. I don't feel that it is disobedience to have a tantrum or to speak their mind, even if it isn't extremely polite.

I even very strongly believe in allowing my children to dictate their own education. I think homework should be illegal. I believe if a child doesn't want to learn about history for a week, a month, or even a year, let it go. They will learn what they need to when they need when they are given that freedom.

It is my job simply to guide them, not lead them in all aspects of their lives. They are the leaders of their own lives.

Does this all make them spoiled?

I don't believe so.

Though I'm sure many would disagree.

So it's a tricky, double-facet, blanket statement to make about our nation as whole. It depends on how you interpret such a statement. It depends on your own beliefs of the elderly in this country, as well as the youth. There are so many variables in such a statement, that I'd be surprised if any two people came to the same thoughts, beliefs, and conclusions toward it.

But there you have it.

Our children are spoiled, our elders abused.