And the painted ponies go up and down

And the seasons, they go round and round/
And the painted ponies go up and down/
We're captive on the carousel of time/
We can't return, we can only look behind/
From where we came/
And go round and round and round/
In the circle game/
~ Joni Mitchell

The first time I heard that song I was working as a camp counselor at a summer camp. I fell a little bit in love with it. The truthfulness and authenticity of the lyrics are nearly overwhelming.

As I looked at the photos on my bedroom wall this evening while I nursed my babies to sleep, my heart felt like it might explode. There are two photos of me pregnant with Miss H, and then a photo of her at 3 months old. Those moments seemed like only yesterday.

All ready her little brother is three times the age she was when the photo was taken. My pregnancy days are so long behind me.

And yet all of this time has passed by so quickly.

I had just turned 19 years old that summer I worked at camp. In a span of 5 years I have changed so much. My life has changed in ways I'd never imagined. All for the better.

The girl I was then and the woman I am now are such opposites. I'm not even sure if they would like each other a great deal to be honest.

There are the little things. That girl ate Lucky Charms every single morning for breakfast while at camp. I wouldn't come near Lucky Charms with a 10 foot pole anymore. Okay, so if someone bought me a box, I'd probably eat a bowl, feel like crap, and then agonize over what I'd just put into my body. And of course, I would then send the rest of the box to work with J so I wouldn't be tempted to indulge in it's wheaty-sugar-artificial-crap.

There are slightly bigger things. That girl was very materialistic. Almost superficial. What was on the label mattered. What other people thought, to an extent, mattered. Luckily, I'm so over all of that and couldn't give a flying frak what anyone, other than maybe J, and even that is limited, thinks.

And then there are the much bigger things. I'm very sure of who I am now. And more so, I'm sure of how other people fit into my life. I realize who and what truly matters, and what role they get to play. And I make all the decisions that affect me. I don't put up with the crap. I don't need anyones approval.

I'm certainly a better person for it all.

We all grow and change as time passes on. It's who we grow to become, and what we change that matters. We have the ability to make it all for the better, or to allow for it to be for the worse.

But when I look at those two beautiful babies, even on my worst of days, I know everything is for the better. I'm a pretty blessed woman.