B has lead poisoning

I was going to write this yesterday, but I was mostly still in freak out mode and mulling it over in my brain.

B has lead poisoning. Like, badly.

Although his levels are ridiculously high, he doesn't seem to have any of the common symptoms, which is good. He seems totally unaffected. And since Miss H's lead levels were completely normal, I'm hoping that this is either just a weird event that will pass, or that Miss H also had lead poisoning as a baby and her body naturally detoxed it, since this is the first time I ever had them checked.

Simply having him tested was one of the most emotionally horrific events of my life. J was originally supposed to be there. Even the receptionist commented on his absence, because as she said, "Dad ALWAYS comes to the appointments. Where is he????" Well, he had to go on travel last minute. So I got to do it solo. Which is fine. I do things solo all the time. But I didn't realize how emotionally devastating it would be for me.

They did little pinpricks on both babes. Neither of them even batted a lash. B ran around like a bleeding maniac when the little pinprick wouldn't stop bleeding though and he wouldn't keep a band-aid on or let me hold it. I'm sure that they brought a HazMat team in to sterilize that room!

But when B's levels came back high, they said they had to take blood intraveneously. Devastating. For him. For me. For both of us. The nurse asked if I wanted to stay in the room, or if I needed to leave. I thought she was joking. Who the fuck leaves their kid when something like that is going to happen? I don't care if it rips you to pieces emotionally. If you are not tough enough to stay with your child, regardless of their age, when something traumatic and/or painful is about to occur, then you shouldn't have had kids. And yes, that's cold. But I could never imagine walking away from my all ready scared baby just so I didn't have to watch him be in pain. That's wrong.

It took four nurses to hold him down while they took viles of blood from his pudgy baby arm. Tears streamed down his face and he just kept screaming "Momma!" until he was hoarse. It took everything in me not to cry, too. But with his sobbing and in pain, little H worried about her brother, someone had to be the grown up. And it had to be me.

Of course, during this time, when I possessed zero control to do anything legit for him, other than to sing and talk and rub his cheek and tell him how much I loved him, I started judging and berating people in my head. Because that's what I do when I'm powerless. When something is wrong with my babe and I can't do anything to help. I take out my anger and frustration on helpless people who don't even know what I'm thinking.

I started judging the world. I berated every single parent who has ever allowed their child to be in extreme pain - physically or emotionally - for a reason that is not truly medically necessary. I started judging what kind of parent could think it was okay to let their child experience such pain for any reason that wasn't serious.

Then I started judging myself. What had I done that allowed my son to have high levels of lead? What kind of parent doesn't notice this kind of stuff? How could my child be so sick, so poisoned, and I not even really notice it???

When they were finally done I held him and rocked him and told him how much I loved him. He was sweaty and pink from screaming so hard. But three minutes later her was running around and playing with his sister. So I know it was awful for him at the time. Extremely. But I'm the one with the lasting emotional impact, I think.

So they sent me home with a few papers talking about lead and its sources, telling me that his levels were so high they were sending it to the hospital for further analysis and would get back with me in a few days.

In a few days seems like a lifetime.

I fully understand the lead source is probably coming from our house. The windowsills. Stairs. Lead dust on the walls. So I cleaned like a maniac. I dusted and vaccuumed and washed walls and trim and floors. And then I read that there can be high levels of lead in plastic toys and plates, etc. So I threw them all away.

J said I was probably being a bit overzealous. I told him he didn't have to stand and help hold down his screaming baby. There is no such thing as overzealous when my child is sick.

So today I'm on a mission to get him some chorella and garlic. Maybe some citrus pectin if I can find it, and help his body gently detox. And then I just have to wait. Wait for the hospital to call. Wait for J to return from travel and lead test our house.

Wait for my baby to no longer be poisoned.

And I will probably have to wait a long time to be able to forgive myself for not preventing this from happening in the first place. Because that's my job. I'm his mom.