We can’t help it. I get it. We all label our kids at some point or another. I refer to my daughter as “Wilde Thing” all the time. I call my son a “Walking Accident.”
But I also believe in self-fulfilling prophecies. I don’t call baby B a walking accident to his face. And well, H is a little wild, but it’s more a play on her middle name and the book, not a description of her behavior.
If I had a dollar for every time someone says to one of my children, if they happen to turn away, stare at the ground, or cling to me, “Oh, s/he’s shy!”
Um, no! I despise, I mean, absolutely, utterly loathe when people refer to children as “shy”. Without a doubt my dislike for the word stems from my own childhood when my family would always tell people I was shy because I didn’t like talking to strangers very much.
But I wasn’t shy. But I grew up hearing all. the. time. that I was shy and an introvert. So I thought this was true. Until I realized as an adult that this isn’t true. Yes, I enjoy being alone sometimes. It’s true I don’t particularly enjoy small talk with strangers. But that doesn’t mean I’m shy. At all.
But I was lead to believe that for most of my life. Because other people told me I was shy. So when people make that assumption about one of my children who simply isn’t feeling very particularly talkative, or is, you know, acting their age and naturally hesitant around strangers, I want to throttle them.
The things adults, especially parents, say to and call their children make an impression. A very deep impression.
Which leads me to other words I cannot stand when people call my, or any, children. Words like “brat.” Really!? As an adult you are going to call a child a brat? You are calling them names because you can’t come up with something better. And we are supposed to teach our children not to name-call others. Good job, my friend. Good job.
Or “bad.” I can’t believe people actually tell their children that they are bad! I’m sure that makes their kid feel great. I’ve heard it several times on the playground, when a mother shouts, “Little Johnny, you’re being bad so we are going home!” That poor, poor kid.
Yes, call them bad. Tell them how bad they are. If I remember anything about being a child, I guarantee you that they are going to do their best to fulfill that prophecy and prove you right. You all ready think they are bad, so what do they have to lose? Of course, why shouldn’t they do their worst at that point – to make sure that at least the name they are being called is true.
And “bad” includes all those words: naughty, awful, deficient, dense.
Oh, and people who call their children “stupid” or “dumb” should just be shot. Enough said.
It’s not just “mean” words I dislike. Oh, no, I don’t play favorites with the words I don’t like. I dislike them from all over the dictionary. Nice. Blah. Hate that word. I do use it on occasion, though I try my best not to. I feel like telling H that she is so nice to do xyz will make her simply do xyz in order to get the praise again. Don’t get me wrong, I totally believe in praising children, but I want to raise a genuinely nice girl, not one who is only nice when someone is looking. So although I think it’s important to notice random acts of kindness, instead of saying, “Wow, H, that was so nice of you to share that cookie with B!” I try saying, “Wow, look how happy B is that you shared with him!” That puts the focus is on the action and how it affected someone else, not just on her being nice
And really, nice? In one of my high school English classes we had to review each other’s work and give feedback. “Good” and “nice” were not allowed to be used in the feedback. Even if the papers was “good” or “nice.” Our teacher said those words were description words that people fall back on when they don’t have any real positive words to say. And I totally agree with that.
What I’m trying to say, if you’ve made it this far, is the words you call your children – they make a huge impact. They stick with them. Forever. Do you want to be the reason your daughter grows up thinking she’s shy, when really she isn’t at all? Or do you want your son to think he’s a mean, bad boy, because he acted his age, whether he is two or twelve? Do you want a little lap dog that will always be sweet as punch just to hear someone tell her how nice she is or “good job!”?
I don’t think so.
So the next time you are frustrated and really want to say, “You’re not listening and being really naughty right now!” stop and think. Maybe “It’s time to use our listening ears.” Or better yet, say nothing at all. More often than not, we’re best to just shut our mouths and wait it out.
Description words are great! But not when they are directed toward our children so often. They are so powerful. So be careful with what adjectives you throw at your darling. They just might stick.
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