Ever since I was as tiny as H people have commented that I have an air of superiority. The overly confident, my way or the highway, always right, know it all. To be honest it had always been the best defense mechanism I have ever had.
Especially now. I mean, let us be honest here. I am a 24 year old girl married to a 41 year old man. I made the choice to become a wife and mother at the tender age of 21. You have to be pretty damn sure of yourself to do that.
It is not like I had any support to do that. My family told me I was throwing my life, so beautifully laid out to be a powerful, independent career woman, away.
And for what?
To be a mom.
I sure as hell had better be confident. So I am. Or at least I try to be.
But I'm really not.
I read so much conflicting parenting crap because I am so afraid that I am going to mess my kids up. And by doing so, I probably really am messing them up.
I don't know anyone who raises their kids with all the same crazy ideas that I do.
And that is okay. Because I am right.
Right?
Wrong.
I do not know if sleeping with my kids is going to mess them up down the road. I have been told that meeting all their needs will make them selfish. I have been told that having spanked my daughter once makes me a child abuser and has ruined the possibility of us ever having a real relationship. I have also been told that by not spanking her I am ruining her chances of becoming a good person.
I have been told that feeding my children organic food is equivalent to dirt and disgusting. I have been told that giving them fast food is worse than arsenic. Sensoring their TV is too controlling. Allowing them to watch TV at all will ruin their brains.
Not teaching them about the mythical Santa Claus will hinder their imaginations. Not having H in a proper academic preschool will put her at a disadvantage. Having just enrolled her in a 'play' school will cause anxiety and security issues
I could go on. And on and on and on.
I have only changed my parenting methods and beliefs a million and two times in the past 2.5 years.
My poor kids.
Do maybe I come off confident in all my choices? Maybe. But I am not always.
Do you know how ridiculously hard it is to talk calmly to your toddler and stay with her when everyone else is telling you to hit her or ignore her? Do you know how hard it is to calmly pick up a thrown dinner or just walk away when your toddler is hitting you?
Do you know how incredibly hard it is to get up with your 1 year old 6 times before 3 am and not just stick him in a crib to cry it out when that is how everyone is telling you it should be done? Or try breastfeeding your 2.5 year old when you do not know anyone who has nursed that long and most people react like what you are doing obscene
So yeah, I am parenting with fear. Every decision I have to make puts me at odds with most people. Since my choices are not often the norm I feel the need to at least seem confident about my own choices, which inevitably makes others feel as if I am judging them and that I believe their differing choice is wrong. I'm not and I do not.
I knew parenting would be hard. But I didn't know how terrifying it would be.
Or that it would be the most lonely, isolating experience of my life.
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