There is always a reason

Many people tend to get very defensive. And oftentimes I feel it is very misplaced.

For instance, when a good momma friend of mine, who I met after the birth of Miss H, first learned that I'd given birth at home, her immediate reaction was "Oh, so you hate doctors and all Western medicine, huh?" Seriously, all I could think was WTF? I could not wrap my brain around how she would even infer that. It wasn't until much later, and after I had gotten to know her better, that I realized her husband being a doctor made her automatically feel defensive. Okay, I get that. But there really was no need.

I have come to the conclusion that most people make their parenting choices based on their own childhoods. Those who felt happy, safe, and secure throughout their childhoods tend to replicate them with their children. This doesn't mean they do everything the exact same, of course they don't. We all have our own "style." But something as simple as leaving your child in order to go out with your spouse just doesn't seem like a big deal, because it wasn't a big deal for you as a child.

Then there are some of us who, although we had parents who loved us, did not generally feel safe and secure as children, or even happy, and so we try to do everything different.

I can vividly remember being left frequently as a small child with one of my ex-stepfathers parents. His mother was not kind to me. Oftentimes I would spend what felt like hours outside crying, begging God to let my mom come back and get me. I even broke my elbow at these people's house and they didn't call my mother. For several, several hours I waited, being physically ill several times from the pain, until my mother came for me late at night. It is because of these memories I have extreme anxiety when it comes to leaving my own children.

I don't think leaving your children is bad or wrong. Not for a second. I wish I was one of those people who could. But anytime I do, even if it is just for an hour, I think of that small little Ki, crying all by herself for her momma on a metal swing set. And feeling like no one in the world cared about me or loved me because why else would I have to be there? Maybe it's irrational. In fact, I'm sure it is. But when you're 4 you're not rational.

So yeah, it's the little things that make me the crazy parent I am. And I'm okay with that.

A part of me feels like if I can do things as differently as possible, then my kids will be happier, safer, and more secure. It's silly, I get that. There are people who raise their children the complete opposite as I, who have the same outcome (whatever it may be). I just think that for me it's what works best. It feels like I am actively making decisions as a parent, instead of passively choosing the same path that others did (and that path isn't bad, please, please, do not think that I believe that). I just need something different so that I feel like I have a chance at all of this.

Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the feelings I had the first time I held Miss H. The overwhelming amount of love. This deep desire to want better for her. Better than I had. Better than J had. Better even, than we knew.

And right now anyway, the only way I know how to give her and baby B better, is by giving them different.

The thing is, different isn't better for everyone. Different may not even be better for us in the long run. I'll learn as I go, I'm sure.

But please don't feel defensive when I do something differently. I'm not saying you're wrong. I don't believe that for a second. And please don't just assume you know how I actually feel about anything. Chances are you are wrong about that.

Everything right down to the shoes that goes on my babes' feet I've put some serious thought, and typically research into. Give me a little credit. Because I know you've done the same. But because we're humans, we've come to different conclusions. And you know what, we're both right. And neither one of us has any idea why the other does or thinks what they do. Unless we ask.

So here's to asking next time, instead of just assuming!