My dearest H and B,
Today is Mother's Day.
Papa "snuck" you out of the house early this morning so I could "sleep in." I watched you go from the bathroom window before I indulged in a child-free shower. By the time I was blow drying my hair (a luxury!), H appeared before me, announcing you both had a surprise for me. Two balloons (because, of course, you each had to pick one out) and flowers.
B and Papa were making chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. B stuck his finger in all my chocolate chips and ate them. I can't blame him. They are the best part.
Today has me reflecting on being a momma. On being your momma. This is my fourth Mother's Day, my second as a momma of two.
Motherhood has changed me. Every single fiber of my being has changed.
When I first began my journey into motherhood I was given a lot of advice. The advice that stuck with me most, and I thought seemed so great at the time, was not to change my life for my children, instead to go about my life and simply include you in it.
Because I once thought this was brilliant advice sums up how much I've changed. How much you have both changed me.
Of course my life must change for my children. I want it to. In order for you both to have the best childhoods I can possibly give you. In order for us to have the type of relationship I would like for us to have.
I did a lot of things that "mainstream" society encouraged me to do. I night weaned sweet H long before either one of us was ready because I was told it was necessary. I fought so hard to get her into her own bed instead of enjoying and cherishing those blessed nights with her. She heard "no" way too much and was subjected to the time-out Nazi for too many months.
But I've changed. I've grown. I've bettered myself because of the two of you. Because of my love for you.
I wasn't the mom I wanted to be, but since breaking all of societies rules and following my own instincts, and yours, I've been becoming the mother I want to be. For you both. And for myself.
I am terribly flawed. I do some things beautifully, other things, not so much. I make mistakes. My temper is still too short. And I still say "no" without thinking much too often.
I am a work in progress each day.
But I promise that I am always working to be better. To be:
A mom who plays with her children. And more so, who is willing to stop cleaning the toilets or folding the laundry, who is willing to put the phone down or step away from the computer, who is willing to make eggs and bacon for dinner in lieu of something that takes longer, whenever my children need me to play.
A mom who gently guides you, but always lets you carve your own path.
A mom who helps you to understand your rights and wrongs, and that it's okay that they might not match up to what society says is right and wrong.
A mom who believes in you. Unconditionally.
A mom who values your friendship.
A mom who is not a dictator, but an equal and a partner whenever possible.
A mom who listens.
A mom who does not judge.
A mom who helps you to see and understand your choices and possibilities in life, but understands that they are your choices and possibilities, and thus only you can decide.
A mom who says "yes" more than "no." And "no" only when it's extremely serious.
A mom who laughs and jokes with you. Who is willing to get dirty and messy and hold your creepy-crawlies.
A mom who dances with you.
A mom who cuddles with you and holds you when you have night mares. A mom who kisses your boo-boos.
A mom who lets you make your own mistakes without ever saying "I told you so."
A mom who carries you when you're sick or tired. Who let's you run ahead when you're eager and energized.
A mom who allows you to believe your own truths.
A mom who extends her hand when you fall down, but understands that sometimes you need and want to stand back up all on your own.
A mom who hugs and kisses you too much. And tells you how much I love and cherish you 4,231,223 times a day.
My sweet H and B, this is only a short list of the momma I am, the momma I wish to be. The momma I am trying each day to be for you.
Some days I will struggle. I am flawed. But every day I will be working hard to be the best me I can be for you both.
Because you both inspire me to be better. You have taught me to trust my instincts and not what society says. You have taught me to stand firm in my convictions and not waiver, even if I'm standing alone. You have taught me to trust myself, and to also trust you. And that is such an amazing gift.
I love you both. More than you will ever understand until you hold your own babes in your arms some day.
I am so honored and proud to be your momma. I am blessed to be your friend.
With all my love,
Momma
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