Aha, now I get it!

Before I had kids I was, obviously, the perfect parent. We all are until we actually have the screaming, puking baby in our living room or the possessed toddler running around naked peeing in the vents (yes, toddlers are possessed. All of them are.)

I remember being pregnant with H and walking into Menards seeing a couple with their older baby in nothing but a long-sleeved onesie and leggings. The couple was wearing their winter coats because it was effing cold out. Dear God, this child didn’t even have socks on. I was appalled and I commented on it to J. It stuck in my head so much that a year later when I was walking into Menards with my own unclothed Dragon Baby I turned to J and said, “Yep, we’re totally those parents. I get it now.”

I’ve had a lot of aha, now I get it! moments.

I would cook only one meal. I would not cater to my children, they would be served three healthy meals and they could take it or leave it. Yep, uh huh. I soooo do that. Not. In a lot of ways I do. I don’t make multiple meals, that’s for sure. Other than for breakfast. The kids get served the same thing J and I do. And they’re good at eating just about anything. But I also know that if I’m making asparagus I’d better make 3lbs and I still likely will not get any to eat. And if I make steak and non-green veggies I’m going to have to make a big ol’ fruit salad and that’s primarily what my children would eat. Yep, I only cook one meal. But it’s not what I’d meant.

I’d never feed my kids fast food. I’m pretty sure B’s first solid food was Wendy’s French fries. Enough said.

I would never yell at my children. Fail. Ridiculous fail. But I’m also working on that not being something I ever do again. I so do not want my kids growing up and their childhood memories being, “Wow, my mom sure yelled a lot.”

My kids would never sleep in my bed. I’m not sure my kids know they have their own beds sometimes…on the upside, it makes traveling way easier!

I wouldn’t be one of those moms who looked like crap all the time. I mean, really, how hard is it to take a shower, blow dry your hair, put on a little make up, and put together a good-fitting, cute outfit? Well, let me tell you. It’s really hard. Really, extremely, difficult. Unless you find it easy to navigate a shower with two small children who want to help wash your legs and scream because you’re hogging the water and cry uncontrollably just when they see the blow dryer and they’ve crumbled your make-up to pieces and you don’t own two articles of clothing that properly fits your saggy boobs and spread hips. But I mean, it’s not that hard, right?

I would never ignore my children. Oh, you know what I’m talking about. The lady in the supermarket whose pestering toddler asks 20 times for a box of cookies and mom doesn’t seem to hear but you want to use your slingshot to knock the kid out with your frozen chicken. Or the mom who is pushing her kids on the swings while navigating her iPhone instead of savoring every single precious moment of her child flying through the air. Yeah, well…never say never. Sometimes after calmly saying, “I understand you want those cookies. Mommy hears you. And I know you’re upset and frustrated I said no” the only thing you really can do is ignore them as you slowly began to lose your mind and your cool. Or after pushing your child for over an hour and realizing you’ve yet to speak to another human being who is over 3 feet tall today, you need a little social media in your life.

My children would never eat in the car. It’s a choking hazard. I can’t even see them rear-facing, by god! Not to mention the atrocious mess. I don’t want freaking cheerios and half-eaten fruit leathers and sippy cups littering my car. Yeah. Right. Eat anything you want. Just please, please don’t scream. I’ll even give you those damn cookies from the supermarket I just told you that you couldn’t have if you promise to be quiet for the five minutes we’re in the car.

I would not blare those god-awful toddler tunes in my car. Yeah, see the above paragraph. We can listen to “There’s a Dinosaur Knocking at My Door” and “Un Elefante” fifty eleven billion times if you just. don’t. scream.

My kids would always be clean, cute, and well-dressed. They’re mostly clean. Bathing in mud puddles is good enough, right? And, I mean, we wash hands before most meals. That has to count for something. And they do get baths that B stands and hysterically pees in the water every. single. time. But urine is sterile, right? And they do own cute, matching outfits. But only momma would pick them out, and obviously if momma picks out clothes it is the end of the world. So go ahead, sweet girl, wear the batman shirt, the lime green pettiskirt, the red heart tights, and monster rain boots. And B…well, just wear something. I’ll wipe yesterdays breakfast off your face tonight. If I remember.

My kids would never watch TV. That lasted the first 15 months of H’s life. That counts for something, right?

Yep, I remember the good ol’ days before I had little babes and what a fantastic Mom I was. And then I had kids. And then I ate a lot of my words.

Good thing I like to eat, that’s all I can say.