"It makes me feel sick."

I'm not a yeller.

Actually, that's a complete lie.

My natural instinct is to yell. I'm just super awesome at swallowing it back down and telling myself to chill the fuck out because yelling doesn't help.

Until these past few days.

I've yelled four times.

That might not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but it's a big deal to me. An even bigger deal to my sweet babes.

It wasn't something that made me feel good. I wasn't pleased when my scared kids performed whatever I'd asked of them because momma raised her voice. I didn't feel any pleasure from "exerting my power" or "controlling my kids."

And then H took the words right out of my mouth last night.

We'd read our bedtime books, said our prayers. She was laying down while I scratched her back and nursed B to sleep.

"Mommy," H whispered. "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course," I replied.

"I don't like it when you get mad. It makes me feel sick."

"I'm sorry," I told her. "It makes Momma feel sick too. I will try better."

"I know," she said. "You're always very good at being better."

I'm not perfect. I don't do things half as perfectly as I wish to, yet somehow this awesome kid still has a lot of trust and faith in me.

I mess up. I do things wrong. But I acknowledge it. I admit it to my kids.

I laughed to J that if nothing else our kids will grow up and say, "My mom sure did know how to apologize when it was called for."

So yeah, yelling sucks. It makes you feel sick. It's counter-productive and terrifying for a kid.

So I'll go back to swallowing it down, because its better for everyone.