"My husband made me..."

One of the few things that makes my blood boil just as much if not more than hearing women talk about their husbands "letting" them do things, as well as their husbands "babysitting," is listening to women talk about what their husbands "make" them do, especially in regards to their children.

While at a local children's play space the other day, a woman, after observing me first breastfeed B and then H, came up and casually started conversation to me. She mentioned that she would have loved to have breastfed her son past a year, but her husband made her stop.

That kind of shit infuriates me. I'm sure my eyeballs were bugged out of my head and I could have caught flies in my gaped mouth. Okay, not really, because I like to think I do a pretty good job of disguising my immediate bafflement.

Though sadly, this isn't the first time I've heard statements like this. Things like, "My husband wouldn't let me breastfeed," "My husband made me do cry it out with our son," "My husband believes in spanking and makes those decisions," "My husband made me circumcise our son (so they'd match, no doubt!)," "My husband made me put our daughter into public school," etc., etc.

I don't care what parents choose for their kids (aside from circumcision, because that's a direct violation of their human rights, but moving on), but the constant "My husband made..." drives me insane. Dear God. We're not living in the Victorian ages. Women and children are not property. Men don't get to make those types of decisions on their own. That's why children have two parents. Parents are equals, partners.

Parents are supposed to discuss these things. They are supposed to come to agreements or at the very least, compromises. Although I can't imagine J wanting to do something with our children, me being adamantly opposed, and us still doing it. Or vice versa. It just wouldn't happen. My Momma Bear instincts are way too strong. It is my job to protect my kids from all things, even if it turned out to be a poorly informed papa.

Fortunately, J and I see eye to eye on pretty much everything. And the things we didn't/don't, we've discussed until we were blue in the face and both feel comfortable with our decision.

When I got pregnant with H I told him straight up I would be breastfeeding, my child would never know what formula or a bottle was, and it was non-negotiable. He didn't feel strongly either way, his friends' wives had breastfed, his sister's had bottle fed, so it was a toss up. But he did his research and was the one who brought up natural duration breastfeeding first.

We both agreed that our children would never sleep with us. As soon as our first was here we just as quickly both agreed that they would. J was a bit hesitant because he was afraid of suffocation, but as soon as he realized how much easier it was on me, he was all for it.

We don't 100% agree on "discipline." I don't believe in punishment. Pretty much at all. J knows this is where I've come around to stand. And he still has a "Hispanic mentality" as he puts it. Where punishment is necessary and you're a bad parent if you don't. Of course, he's barely so much as been stern with our children, let alone punished them. And when the topic is brought up under what situations he'd punish them it tends to go something like this: "Well, not now of course. They're too young. But when H is like 8. If she were to do something wrong. Well, I'd have to talk to her about what she did wrong. Because that'd be out of character for her to directly disobey us, especially at that age most likely. So we'd need to get to the root of the problem and address what's going on. Maybe she has a need being unmet or something. Maybe we didn't set a clear boundary or establish a firm rule. So we'd need to help her with that."

Yep. That's it. So although he says he believes in "punishment" and will even make comments like, "Oh, if it were me I'd have probably smacked them" we both know it isn't true. Even remotely.

But seriously, if he'd said something in the beginning like, "No, I don't want you to breastfeed," or "You have to give her bottles," I'd probably have laughed and told him he was crazy. And I also know that once he understood my reasons and why it was important to me, as well as the all around benefits, he'd have agreed.

Or if he'd insisted H sleep in a crib I probably would have said, "Sure thing. But you get to get up with her a million times at night and bring her to me to nurse because I'm not getting out of bed. And there is no way you're allowing her to cry herself to sleep." And that probably would have fixed that right then.

I just don't understand how in the world women can give up all control and allow their husbands make all the decisions, especially when it's simply proven that they don't have the same maternal instincts that we do.

That's not to say that fathers shouldn't have a voice. They should! An equal say at that, even.

But when it comes to something that a mother feels strongly about, the father just doesn't get to decide. And vice versa, for that matter.

It's all about communication. If a papa says "You must let baby cry it out" you have to figure out why. Is it because he wants his marital bed back? Because he thinks you'll be less exhausted? He thinks it's simply what you are supposed to do? And then it's Momma's job to make him understand why that is not okay for baby. (Or if you both believe in cry it out, then to each their own).

It just infuriates me when I hear women say that they were forced to do something with their children that completely goes against their maternal instincts, all because their husbands demanded it. And most often it seems to be a power thing. The husband needs to exert power over the wife, the children.

It's sad. It's sick. And seriously, women need to grow a spine and stand up for themselves and their children all ready.

I'm sure a lot of people don't/won't agree with me. And that's okay.

But goodness, this is the 21st century all ready. We cannot afford to be anything less than equal with our spouses.