I recently heard a mother say she was going to have to use some “tough love” and let her 7-month-old cry it out at night because his night wakings were just becoming too much for her to handle.
I had to resist knocking her over the head with the banana I was holding.
For starters, if she has to use “tough love” with a 7-month-old WTF is she going to do with a 7-year-old? Or, oh dear Lord, a 17-year-old?
Don’t get me wrong, I know how hard it is to get up a million and two times at night with a baby (or toddler!). Especially if they have “colic” or reflux, or are, in general, a “high needs” child. Been there. Done that. Still doing it. I get it. There are days/nights you are so freaking exhausted you’re pretty sure you’d saw off your left arm for a solid four hours of sleep. And you can’t even remember what it’s like to sleep for that many solid hours. Did it ever really happen? In a previous life, mayhap?
But regardless of how tired you are, you don’t get to clock out of being a parent because you’re tired. If you think that’s how it works, you probably shouldn’t have signed up for the gig. You clearly missed the fine print. It’s a 24-hour job.
The job isn’t 9-5. There are no nights and weekends off. It just doesn’t work like that. Sorry, Charlie.
I mean, seriously, if your older child woke up yelling for you, would you ignore them? No! If they told they needed to use the restroom, they had gas, their bellies hurt because they ate something funny, their ears were itchy, their throat was dry, they were hungry, they were thirsty, their pajamas were itching them, they were too hot, they were too cold, they had a bad dream, they heard a scary noise, they saw a shadow, etc., etc., would you seriously just lay in your bed and ignore them?
NO!
Because they are verbal. Because they can tell you exactly what they need and you can fix it quickly and move on.
Well, it isn’t any different just because you have a non-verbal, helpless infant who cannot tell who exactly what he needs. If he is crying, he has needs. He’s a baby. He cannot manipulate you, contrary to stupid belief. All he knows is that his parents are his sole providers and protectors, and he needs them.
And when you ignore your baby for whatever reason you’ve convinced yourself makes it all okay (he needs to learn to self-soothe, surely he will never learn to sleep on his own if he doesn’t cry it out, it’s for his own good because he needs his sleep!) you are telling him point-blank that his needs don’t matter and you are not going to help him. You break a pivotal trust he has with you.
Yes, yes, people say it all the time. “I let my baby cry it out and we have a great relationship and trust!” Okay. I’m sure you do. But it still doesn’t mean that you didn’t hurt him somehow by ignoring him during his time of need.
I mean, seriously. If you were bawling in your bedroom, for any reason, and your spouse just sat in the other room completely ignoring you, would you feel loved by that person? Would you feel like your spouse, who made vows to love and cherish you during all times, was truly upholding those vows? No. You’d likely be pissed that they had the ability to come in and comfort you, but decided you weren’t important enough to give comfort to.
And hey, maybe you asked for your space. Maybe your spouse is doing something genuinely important.
But a baby can’t ask for space. And he certainly doesn’t understand that anything could be more important than him.
Then again, I can’t understand that anything could be more important than your own child. Not even sleep.
But what do I know?
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