Figuring out Faith

Religion is one of those things that I have gone back and forth with throughout my life to such extremes. I’m still not 100% what I believe.

When I was going through some major purging while pregnant with B I found old journals of mine from middle and high school. I was all over the place with religion. There were several times I wrote things like “God is dead” and “If God is real he is deeply sick and twisted.” And I wrote these things over and over and over again. Because obviously just writing it one time on a page didn’t get my point across.

Those were definitely from dark days when I was too young and naïve for the world, experiencing that the world is a very unkind and inhumane place sometimes.

But then there were times that I confessed that I believed without a doubt that God existed. How could I not?

And then I admitted to being agnostic for most of my high school career.

I tried our Buddhism, since I loved the Zen lifestyle and I’m a mostly peaceful person and have peaceful beliefs.

I still think I could totally do the Buddhism thing.

Except I really do believe in God.

It’s not logical. I know that. I understand the Big Bang Theory and I believe in a form of evolution. And I even committed to this belief before I had children.

The year I lived in England is the year I chose to go through Confirmation with the Catholic Church (and good thing! I wanted us married in the Church and one of had to be confirmed…and J wasn’t it!) To be completely honest, it was the only year of my life that I actually enjoyed attending mass. That I got anything from it. I loved the Father. His sermons were things I could relate to, and I never felt like he was damning me.

And then of course, the first time I felt tiny kicks from within, I was sold. I mean, science is amazing and extraordinary, but it just cannot create miracles like the two perfect people I gave birth to. It just can’t.

I mean, yes, it can, but at the same time, it can’t.

But I’m always still at that weird place of beliefs. Like I 100% believe in God, but I won’t lie, I question Jesus sometimes. I totally question the Bible. It’s strange and twisted and we only get select parts of it anyway. Just the parts the Church wants people to know. So I’d love to know about all the other books they have locked away in the Vatican, afraid to let the world read.

I know there is one about Mary Magdalene. That’d be mega interesting.

I obviously intend to teach my children about God and Christ. And if they choose it as their belief, I will support it. But if they say, “Hey, Mom, that’s not for me,” then I’m okay with that too and I’d support it. Because no one ever told me what to believe unless it was convenient for them at the time.

And I’d sincerely hope they never choose a religion that is so closed minded that they are unable to be accepting of others. Or that they feel they have the ability to condemn others to Hell or decide who is going or not (if it exists).

That’s my other issue. I don’t know about my beliefs as far as the afterlife go. I really like the idea of Heaven. It makes me happy and gives me warm fuzzies. But at the same time, I figure that we will simply cease to exist, just as we were before we were born.

To be honest, that’s what scares me the most. Simply ceasing to be. No thoughts, no recollections; just gone. And how can I cease to be and no longer have any coherent thoughts of my children or my husband?

I mean, I guess I won’t know. It won’t matter. But the idea of just being gone is scary. No matter whom you are.

Even if Heaven exists, who knows if I’d make it in? I’m not like the most devout or stellar person out there. So then I spend eternity in Hades?

Yeah…I guess I like the idea of simply ceasing to be anyway.

Though I’m pretty sure Heaven and Hell are made up. At least the way we are taught about them. A way to scare people in “behaving.” I’m pretty sure that God is unconditional. And that means there are no punishments. Just because you fail on earth to be what one religious person says you must, doesn’t mean you fail in the eyes of God. You’ve done your job.

And that’s to simply be you. Right?

Maybe I’m completely wrong. I’m wrong about a lot of things, so there’s no reason this would be an exception.

But I just hope I teach my children to be genuinely good people because they want to be and it makes them happy and they feel good about themselves. Not because I want them to be. Not because God wants them to be. Not because there is some “reward” waiting for them. Just, you know, because.

And as J point out, he doesn’t want our kids doing things “in the name of God.” Because then that can get nasty. I mean, the Crusades were done in the name of God. I know a lot of people who “know Jesus” better than I do, so their mistakes are okay. I was flat out told I was going to hell when I got my tattoo by someone who was fornicating. Apparently my sin at the time was worse. And I wasn’t as close to God. So only my “sin” would be punished. Yeah…I can never believe to know God better, or not what will or will not happen to me or someone else. And I’d certainly never declare to do something in the name of God, because too much of that gets twisted and convoluted. And I hope my children end up with more sense than that, too.

Even though I’d like them to believe in God.

I’m still up in the air as to what to do when they become Confirmation age. I made the decision to have them baptized, and I feel very good about that. But Confirmation is a whole other ball game. That means they are accepting the faith completely.

I just don’t know if a 7 year old can truly understanding what they are saying they believe in. I’m not sure I did at 20, and I’m not sure I do even now. It seems like a pretty big commitment for such a tiny child.

But we’ve got a while before we get there I suppose. More time to figure out my own beliefs. More time to help indoctrinate my children, for lack of a better word.

Miss H has some pretty big opinions as it is anyway. So maybe by the time she’s that age she will be able to confidently tell me, “Yes, these are my beliefs,” or “Are you crazy, lady? I’m all about the Daoism.”

I guess I’ll deal with it then. Until then…I’ll just try to figure it out for myself.

But if nothing else, I’ve got two pretty good arguments for God does exist in the form of  H and B. Everything else is trivial anyway.