It’s goinng to sound ridiculously melodramatic, but I’ve begun to have a newfound faith in people – both those I know personally and those I do not – and it’s all over a book.
I have never believed in another book as much as I do “Unconditional Parenting” by Alfie Kohn. Similarly, how my friends tell me I should advertise for Aruba because I’d happily send anyone there and could tell you a million and two reasons why you truly want to vacation there, I could do the same for this book.
And I think it speaks volumes that so many people I know (and know via the internet) are reading this book. Even though for some (many) it depicts a parenting style and way of raising children that so strongly challenges what some (most) of us have only ever known. And I love it.
I was on the road to this type of parenting before this book came into my possession. Non-punitive parenting. It was something my gut told me was right. A type of parenting, a type of parent, I badly wanted to be, and was trying, but wasn’t completely sure how to be. How to make it work. You know, work and not be a “permissive” parent. Because although I want to always be kind and gentle, I also don’t want to be the parent who let’s their child get away with murder, that isn’t doing anyone any favors either.
H has been in time-out. Numerous of times. It almost makes me want to cry when I think about the fact that I put a tiny little babe, beginning when she was roughly the same age B is now, in time-out for what I thought were infractions/misbehavior/defiance/whatever. It worked. It always worked. I always got the results I wanted. Or that I thought I wanted.
I thought instant compliance was a good thing. Not throwing tantrums was a good thing.
I just didn’t know better.
To be honest, writing this makes me nauseous. I feel sick toward how I treated H. And her time-outs and “no’s” were far more mild and infrequent than many I know, and yet, I still know it wasn’t okay. Just because it may have been to a lesser degree than how someone else may have treated their toddler, it doesn’t mean it was right. By a long shot.
My legit breaking point was when she wouldn’t stay in time-out anymore. I realized that unless I physically held her or threatened her to an extreme, she just wouldn’t stay put. And that was so not okay.
I had to ask myself what I was doing wrong.
And the “what I was doing wrong” was the way I was treating my child. I was trying to correct the symptom, punish the symptom, make the symptom go away. Not address the actual issue.
Babies, toddler, children, teenager – human being in general – don’t just act out because it’s fun. It’s how they tell others that they need help! Sometimes it’s the only way they can communicate that.
Maybe they don’t have the words to communicate their frustration or unhappiness. Maybe they’ve been requested or expected to do something they are simply not capable of, such as sitting still for a long period of time, sharing their favorite toy, etc., etc.
Emotions are huge. As an adult I know how they can swallow me whole sometimes. Imagine what it must be like to be such a tiny and fairly new person in this world who has very little experience dealing with their emotions, and when you are trying to figure it out or acting out because you need help, someone is punishing you for it and telling you that such behavior is “naughty.” Then you end up bottling those emotions up so you won’t be punished, and we all know that is unhealthy. And they end up bursting out in the unhealthiest of ways, and in the worst of ways.
I don’t want that for my kids.
So on my quest to be a better parent, the kind I so badly wanted to be, someone recommended “Unconditional Parenting” to me. I ordered it, because I tend to buy books too frequently instead of checking them out from the library. I waited for it to arrive anxiously. And then I read it front to back in a day.
And I loved it.
Yes, there were parts in it at the time that had me rolling my eyes and saying, “Yo, J! Listen to this. Isn’t xyz just absurd? That’d never work.”
So then as I tried to change things up and parent better, those absurd things kind of naturally fell into place and I was all, “Oh, wow. Maybe it does work after all.”
I don’t bribe my kids anymore. I don’t threaten. I don’t punish.
I will be the very first to say I’m not perfect. Or that I make no promises that there will never be a time in their lives that they will not be threatened, bribed, or punished again. Though J has always been the calmer, and always non-punitive parent long before that was even my goal, he’s the first to say that if there were ever a transgression that warranted it (though admittedly he cannot yet think of a situation that he would consider it warranted) he’d be the first to ground/spank/time-out/whatever our kids. But we’ll see. He still holds them and tells them it’s okay to be mad and looks at glitter jars and cuddles and kisses their anger away. So mostly, I think he’s just trying to be machismo. But we’ll see.
Things that used to be so hard suddenly became so simple. Even the most basic things that I made simple, subtle changes to ended up changing everything drastically.
Take getting into the car for example. It used to be a constant fight with H. She hated getting in the car. She had to take her sweet time and do it herself. No, she didn’t want to right now. Oh, look, there’s a sticker on the floor board, etc. Typically it’d end with me bribing her, “If you get in your seat I’ll turn Dora on” or “I’ll give you fruit leather.” Or with me threatening her, “If you don’t get in your car seat then you can’t watch TV in the car today.” Etc. Or sometimes even physically putting her in the seat and having the battle of wills to get her strapped in.
I always felt emotionally defeated when we had to drive somewhere. And I felt like a terrible mother. To the point that I avoided car travel as much as humanly possible. I always asked myself if it was worth my kid hating me over. And typically the answer was no.
Now it’s so freaking simple I wish I’d had the common sense to go about it this way earlier.
I open H’s car door to allow her to get in on her own while I put Mr. B into his seat. Typically she just gets in and is ready for me to buckle her before I make it over. If not, I just remind her how things happen. B gets buckled. H gets buckled. Mommy gets in the car and then she turns on the movies. Mommy can’t get in her seat or turn on the movie until H is buckled.
I’m not bribing her with the movie. I’m not threatening her with the movie. It comes on whether it takes her 20 minutes or 20 seconds. There is simply a routine and order to how things happen. It’s up to her how quickly it happens.
Who knew it could be that easy?
And it’s not just the car. It’s everything. She knows she’s allowed her feelings and opinions. And because of it, she’s more compliant because she knows Mommy will listen to her. When I ask her to pick up her toys, she almost immediately does. Occassionally she’ll ask for help. Or tell me she still wants to play. I’ll assess the situation. Almost always I will help. If she still wants to play I will examine why I want her to stop – is it bedtime, dinnertime, etc.? Or is the mess just getting out of control? If it’s the latter then I simply explain that x and y need to be cleaned up quickly, then she can resume playing with z.
I could go on and on and on. But mostly, life is just easier for everyone. And happier. H knows she can tell me when she’s mad or sad or whatever. When it was time for bed this evening she told me, “I don’t want to go to bed. I’m really sad.”
“Why are you sad?” I asked.
“Because I don’t want to sleep.”
“Well, if you don’t sleep how will you grow? And if you don’t sleep you’ll go from sad to mad because your body will be overtired. It’s really important that you go to sleep. And when you wake up, it will be a new day and you can play again.”
And you know what!? She didn’t fight me. She said okay and laid down. Because she knows I will listen to her feelings. I will validate her. And if she were really struggling with bedtime, as on occasion she does, she knows that I am understanding of that. Sometimes it means an extra story before bed. Sometimes it means I turn on her lamp and leave her in her bed with a book while I put B down and then I come back and either tuck her in or lay down with her. Regardless of the situation, she knows I will genuinely listen. That I will always validate; I won’t blow off her feelings. And that even if it means more work for me, I will make sure that every interaction between me and my children is one that is bringing us closer together, not further apart, as well as helping to shape the adult they will be some day, not instantly “fix” something today because it’s easier for me.
I’m sure there are many people who would read “Unconditional Parenting” and say, “Yes, this is how I parent” or “This is common sense” or even “Holy shit! You’re going to screw your kid up!” But simply being open to a – likely - new way of parenting, whether you decide to partake in it or not, is really comforting to me. That people are willing to at least consider things from a different point of view. Perhaps even willing to go as far, as I am, to say, “Wow, I should really change things. I have the ability to be a better parent and give my kids a better chance.”
I think it takes a really strong and brave kind of person to admit that perhaps they were wrong. Or maybe not even admit that they were wrong, but that they simply didn’t know better.
And it takes an even more courageous person to examine a whole new parenting style that they’d never considered. Perhaps one that even goes against everything they believe.
It just takes a seed. You don’t have to agree with everything. Or anything.
But the book will at least get you thinking. And that’s the beauty of it.
And so many people I know are currently reading it because I keep suggesting it to everyone. And I love that.
I love that they are willing to at least be open to something new. Something that challenges them.
Maybe people are more open-minded and willing to self-educate than I had once thought. People never cease to amaze me.
So if you haven’t all ready, read “Unconditional Parenting.”
It will seriously rock your world.
And hopefully your children's world, too!
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