A good friend recently asked me, intrigued by our style of parenting, how in the world we get our children to do things without resorting to threats or bribes.
Let me preface this all by first saying that there are times we do threaten/bribe for whatever reason: we're tired, we're exasperated, we are in a hurry, we're human. Whatever the reason, it does happen. In a perfect world it would never happen, but it does. But I shall continue.
Firstly, we don't request/demand a million and two things from our children each day. So typically, something simple such as, "H, can you help Mommy pick up these toys," etc., is most often immediately done so without question. This is because we don't ask too much of them. (Though, when we first began moving to a less punitive parenting style, this took some time during the transition. So if this isn't your normal parenting style, you have to give it time!)
Also, most of it is routine. We routinely hang our coats up upon entering the house. We routinely take our dishes to sink. We routinely put our shoes on the shelf by the door. We routinely pick up toys before bed time. You get the point. Everyone does it. Momma, Papa, kiddos. So it's not like we are asking them to do something outrageous.
In situations where I normally used to incorporate bribes or threats, we've changed into simply making them a routine. Such as getting in the car. My kiddos despise being in the car. With B it's more challenging, and I'll address this in a moment, but I will cover H first. As soon as she was physically able to keep herself from getting into her seat, it became a struggle for us. It was bad enough we'd have to spend the entire car trip - 10 minutes or 10 hours - listening to her scream, now we had to fight to get her in.
Until we made it a routine. There is literally no more coercing her into her seat. H gets to watch TV in the car (sue me). She rarely watches TV at home. She knows that the DVD player does not get turned on until she (and everyone else) is in her seat and Momma has fastened her securely. There is no bribing her with TV (If you get in your seat you can watch Curious George.). There is no threatening her with the TV (If you don't get into the seat you can't watch Curious George.). There is simply routine (Remember, Momma will turn Curious George on after everyone is safely secured in their seats). It's just a part of our routine. I'm sure some people would say there is no difference between any of the aforementioned scenarios, but for us at least, there is. And it's drastically noticeable in how our children react.
We distinguish important things from those that are not. So if I have asked H to pick up a book or whatever and she seems less than interested, I have to decide if it's really that big of a deal. Do I always return a book to the exact place I got it? Is it something worth forcing my child to do? In the grand scheme of things, is something this trivial worth dampening our parent/child relationship?
I mean, of course, no relationship has been ruined (that I know of) over picking up a book. But is it worth putting your child into emotional distress by making the situation a stressful altercation for both of you?
I've also had to re-evaluate "bigger" situations. Like, it's 20 degrees outside, is it really important that she put her coat on? I want to say yes, but the truth is no. So I won't argue about it. I just take the coat with until she changes her mind. Or, her hair looks like rat's nest. Is it really necessary that we brush it if she insists she doesn't want it touched? No, no it's not (though society may say otherwise, I just say screw society in that case!). And so we just move on.
Also, when one of my children is less than compliant, I step back and ask if I'm asking something reasonable and age appropriate of them. Is it reasonable to expect a two year old to pick up toys all by herself? Maybe. But likely not.
Always be willing to listen to your child. Does H not want to pick up the book because she is playing with her kitchen at the moment? Does she have some fundamental opposition to picking up books? I won't know unless I ask and listen. And even if it seems silly to me, it doesn't mean it is. It's important to validate their thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Even if you don't share or agree with them.
One of the most difficult things is constantly reminding myself that just because I'm the adult does not mean I'm always right. Might doesn't make right. At least not in this house. And my kids know that. Mommy makes mistakes. Mommy says she's sorry. And that's okay.
But there times when they have to do things they don't want to, you're thinking. Yes, there are. Rather we like it or not, regardless of how you choose to handle such situations, they always come up. No matter your parenting style. And that's just part of having children with their own minds. It's a beautiful thing.
And what do you do in those situations? For me, it depends on the situation. Firstly, for these scenarios, it's important for me to know what situations are non-negotiable. We really only have two - car seats and teeth brushing. Maybe for you it is wearing shoes or always clearing your dishes. Maybe you don't have any, maybe you have 50. Regardless, know what they are and don't waiver for them. Consistency is so important.
I mentioned previously that B hates getting into his car seat. He's starting to understand the car routine, but that doesn't mean he's always okay with it or is a willing participant at following it. He does a great job of stiffening up his little body so he can't be folded into his car seat. 9 times out of 10 I can just gobble his tummy playfully, which distracts him momentarily and allows me to simultaneously slip the straps over his arms and get him buckled in. Other times I just hand him my phone to distract him long enough. So yes, for this situation it is all about distractions.
The only situation I think we've ever truly had to use physical force is in teeth brushing. Most of the time they love to brush their teeth. But on occasion the moon turns blue and they just decide it's not for them. If offering to brush teeth together doesn't work, or saying they can brush first or brush mine, then I resort to just physically doing it. Yes, they scream. Yes, I hate it. But brushing teeth is just one of those non-negotiable things in life. Sorry. Fortunately, it happens less than once a month. So I can live with that.
So see, it actually is fairly simple to parent without bribes or threats, rewards or punishments. The key to it all is have a relationship where your children know that they are respected. That their voice will always be heard, even if it is disagreeing or challenging your own. A relationship where the children know they are just as important. It doesn't mean that things always go their way or that they get what/to do what they want all the time, it just means they know they are being listened to.
It's hard. It's a hard way to parent. Mostly because for the majority of us it is not how we were parented ourselves, so we must break through all the years of what was ingrained into us. And that's hard. And we also have to rebuke societies views of children, where people believe that compliance and obedience is a good thing. Compliance and obedience was a good thing for Hitler in Nazi Germany. It's really not a good thing for a child whom you wish to grow up strong and independent; a child you wish to be a leader and not a follower.
In summary: Establish simple routines. Don't be afraid to question if you're asking something reasonable and age appropriate. Accept that you are not always right. Listen to your child, even when they disagree (maybe, most especially when they disagree). Know beforehand which situations are non-negotiable (car seats and teeth brushing for us). And most importantly, give your children the same respect you wish for them to give you!
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