What to do when they're "bad"

So a few different friends inquired what you do when your kid has been "bad." Because non-punitive parenting means not using punishments either, not just the lack of bribes and threats.

Again, I'm not perfect. So I don't have this all down perfectly by any means. There are a lot of bumps while I navigate this world.

Let me start by stating that I don't believe in "bad" or "naughty" or any other such word that describes a child's behavior. I would never in a million years tell my children they are being "bad." They're not. They're kids. They are inherently good.

But yes, they make mistakes. Often. It's part of learning. We all do it.

Last summer H colored on my walls. I was annoyed, but that was the extent of it. I didn't get mad at her or punish her. How could I? She's two. She didn't know she wasn't allowed to color on the walls. I had never explicitly said, "H, do not color on the walls." And when you're a kid, if no one has told you explicitly that something is not allowed, well, then it is. Presumably. I did make it explicitly clear after the incident, however, that coloring is only to be done on paper or other materials Momma approves of first. Never on the walls.

And she understood and that was that. We had no more issues.

Until last Friday when B colored on the walls. So then H did, too. Again, I didn't get mad or punish, per se. I reminded H that we only color on paper, never walls. I asked her if she understood that. She said "yes." I then explained to her that Momma couldn't play with her and B until after I washed off the crayon. She then volunteered, "Well, I can help you." After about a minute of scrubbing she told me, "This isn't very fun." I said, "No, it's not fun for me either. But this is what happens when you color the walls." She never stopped helping me until I told her that she could go play again, but at the same time I never forced her to do it.

So was it punishment? You decide.

Will that always work?

Probably not.

It certainly wouldn't work with B. He's still hitting and biting. There is no cure for that. Other than consistency and lots of words and gentle touches. He'll get there.

To be honest, I don't know what they right answer is for when kids directly disobey you and do something destructive or hurt you or others.

I know when my little boy hits or bites, I block the hit if possible and tell him very firmly, "I can't let you hurt Momma/H/etc." If the hit or bite has been done and I couldn't prevent it, I then say, "No, biting/hitting hurts. You can bite/hit this." And give him something appropriate to carry the action out on.

I can't really imagine a scenario at this point that would "require" punishment. My children are far from perfect angels, but they seem to get more out of calm, reasonable mommy who is displeased with their choices than a scolding or yelling mommy who is admonishing and making them feel little.

I think I agree with natural consequences, I just don't really know where they would apply, much like pure punishment. I guess destroying the playroom in a tantrum, the natural consequence would be cleaning it up? But I'd be more concerned as to why they were tantruming in such a rage, so maybe that's a bad example.

And a lot of situations I just ask myself if I would treat J the same way. If he said he wasn't hungry during lunch, but then was hungry an hour later, would I tell him, "Too bad. Lunchtime was an hour ago." Um, no. And I'd be pissed if he were to say that to me. So why would I do that to my kid?

Now, if you expect your children to be, say, like the woman's we saw today who made it clear that her children are to obey the second she says something, and anything less than immediate compliance is intolerable - even questioning after immediate obedience is followed out is punishable because it's not a child's right - well, then this kind of parenting isn't for you. And you probably need some help, because there are too many resources out that there that prove you're a nut, but I digress.

What will I do when they're rebellious teenagers?

I'm not sure. Pray they aren't. Hope to God that we've built a strong foundation of respect for our relationship that we are able to discuss things, see each others point of views, and come to an acceptable compromise on what's "right" amongst all of us.

I guess, really, kids don't seem to behave "badly" when their needs are met and they feel safe and secure. Yes, H may scream and cry not to leave the park. But that's not being "bad." That's expressing her feelings. And as a parent, I listen to those feelings, and I explain that I hear them and I understand she wants to stay and play, but we still have to go home for xyz reason and it is up to her to decide if she'd like to go home by walking or by Mommy carrying her, etc. Yes, perhaps B will hit someone, but again, it's not because he's "bad." It's because he has emotions he doesn't yet know how to deal with or properly express. And it's my job to convey to him that hitting isn't the solution and help him find alternative mechanisms to deal with such feelings.

So I guess, when you stop making "obedience" the goal with your children, then the "bad" disappears. The "need" for punishments seem to be non-existent.