I've written and deleted this a few times. Because I'm a bit conflicted about it. Mostly because I believe pretty strongly in "When you know better, you do better" and am always so damn confused when people know better, but still don't choose to do better.
I don't get it.
And yet that's me.
I feel at my very best - mentally, physically, etc - when I eat 100% Paleo. Like, I feel like I could move mountains and go skydiving off the moon amazing! So I know, without a doubt, that there is so much truth in the Paleo lifestyle. For me anyway.
But even as gung-ho as I am about health and nutrition, I would have never come to the Paleo lifestyle willingly. Even understanding it. Believing it. I only ended up there because I had a very sick little boy and it was my last hope before him undergoing some very invasive GI procedures.
And it worked. So that of course sold me.
Once B was around 8 months old I lightened up on Paleo. A lot. I started eating ice cream again. OMFG. There are no words. I ate cheese. And crackers. And coffee and wine.
And now, since the week before Christmas, I've thrown Paleo out the door in lieu of Christmasy good things I was fantasizing about. Peanut butter fudge. Egg nog. Tres leches cake. Tamales. Cinnamon rolls. The list is endless. In two weeks I managed to gain 5 pounds. That takes a special kind of eating, I tell you!
A few days ago I sat J down and told him I needed to go back hardcore Paleo. I needed to take control of my eating. Because I didn't want to outgrow my jeans. He looked at me like I had ten heads. "You're 125 fucking pounds," he told me (yes, I just admitted my weight to the world). "I hope you're joking, otherwise you need some serious therapy."
Well, J never drops the f-bomb in correlation to me. And he never tells me flat out that I'm crazy.
So it made me think.
And he's right.
I have a deeply skewed perception of health. It's there for so many different reasons. Reasons I know and understand. Reasons I don't fully know how to overcome. But I'm trying.
J is totally supportive of all my decisions, whether it be health, kids, financial, whatever. He always has my back, even if he doesn't get it. And he's been so genuinely supportive of us being Paleo for the past year because he witnessed firsthand our very sick baby and what a scary situation that was. And all because of food.
But he is also my reality check. He's the guy who told me I was beautiful before, during, and after pregnancies. He is the person who questions me to be sure I've questioned myself first. He's the one who when I'm not thinking clearly helps me out. Because he knows me better than anyone else in the world.
So after a loooong discussion (I mean, I didn't get to bed til 11pm that night!) I've come to the conclusion that I will always live a loosely Paleo lifestyle. There will always be more fruits and veggies and nuts/seeds for snacking around my house than granola bars and "fruit snacks". Meat/fish and vegetables will be the primary foods in our meals. And I know we are all far healthier for it.
But dude. There are just some things I cannot live without. Ice cream. Chocolate. Cheese. Crusty bread. Chocolate. Wine. Coffee. Chocolate popcorn. Tortillas. Chocolate.
It's just not going to happen. And it's super hard admitting that. Because I know better. I feel that by not doing better for myself, and for my family, I'm failing in some way. And I'm pretty much the least graceful person when it comes to failure. I was always told that failing wasn't acceptable.
But this time I have to.
This time failure might really be success.
Success at knowing and understanding health. At embracing it. By letting my extremely OCD and deeply disturbing health belief system be infiltrated my a dose of reality. Because although it's important to be healthy, it's important to be healthy about health.
I'll still make most things from scratch and by few processed things and when I do I will read labels. But man, I just have to let some things go. I'm not going to die if I eat three tortillas. My kids are going to be just fine if someone gives them a bowl of cheerios.
And I will tell myself that until I believe it.
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