Going it alone...

So here is to another week of virtually single-mommyhood.

Of course, J is an awesome husband and the best papa that there ever could be, but, unfortunately, he is forced to travel for work. A lot.

Really, I shouldn't complain. 1.) I knew what I was signing up for (theoretically anyway, I didn't realize how hard it would be in practice). 2.) He travels waaaaay less now than he ever did before we were married with babes.

Still, it's hard. Yesterday, when he walked out the room initially to leave, baby B cried and reached out for him. It's sweet, I suppose. Especially since most of the time Bdoesn't seem to really care if J is around or not. I know it made J feel loved. So he came back and spent a few minutes holding and playing with him, which was beautiful to witness. There is something about seeing my husband with our children that is both incredibly beautiful and absolutely sexy.

Miss H said her obligatory good-byes, prompted J to give her, baby B, and myself besos, and then proceeded to have him kiss her kitchen, fake bird, baby doll, etc. Being the amazing papa he is, J obliged her. Then she watched him through the window as he drove away, standing on her plastic farm, which I was certain was going to fall over and put her through the window.

H does well without J. For a while. She can make it nearly his entire work day being okay. But by the evening she is typically breaking down, in need of her papa. I make it about as long to be honest, but of course the babes never see that. I am Momma. I am strong.

She made it to nap-time, then fussed for a few minutes for Papa. She's used to this routine though. Not that it makes it any easier. On any of us.

When J is gone I feel very lonely. Really, at the end of the day, he is the only person I have to talk to. Sure, I have friends. So many categories of them, in fact.

I have the friends I've had since my school years. They are great to reminisce with. To talk about basic things. But I can't really talk to them. We are at drastically different places in our lives. I mean, of course we are! We're only 24 years old. They're all in grad school, or just starting off on their own. They're not happily married with children all ready. And that's okay. Just makes it difficult to talk about much. Since, well, my children are my life. They're pretty much all I have to talk about.

I have my "mom" friends. My social circle definitely expanded significantly after having kids. I love my mom friends. Really and truly. There are days I probably couldn't function without them. But once again, I can't really talk to them. I mean, I'm just not close enough to them I guess, where I feel comfortable picking up the phone and saying, "I'm about to lose my shit. How's the weather your way?" And I feel like when I do vent to someone, I'm really just putting them out, because who wants to listen to someone vent about something they signed up for, you know?
I have my family, which of course, are friends. But I won't lie, I'm not terribly close to most of my family. Not from lack of trying, but it is what it is. It's nice to send them pictures of the kids and hear they're cute, but other than that, not so great for real conversation.

I don't have that friend that you pick up the phone and call when your toddler continually pushes every button, and the baby won't stop crying no matter what you do, and no one has napped all day and you're so on edge you could burst.

Other than J.

He is that friend for me. So when he is on travel, when he is virtually unavailable to me all day, every day, for a week or more at a time, it's really hard.

He is the person I vent to, or who I lament that I veered from eating Paleo and now the baby is vomiting again. He is the person who triumphs with me in our daughter learning new things and the baby taking steps. He is the person who I can discuss parenting beliefs and dietary needs and my goals for the future and any other random thing that might come into my head.

He is my best friend.

So although I can live without him. I can function. We get through all of our day-to-day hubub. I still miss him. I'd rather him be home. And so would the babes.

But we are lucky, I suppose. He could travel more. He could be home less.

At least when he is home he makes it count. When he is physically home, and the babes are awake, his attention and time is 110% directed toward them. Playing with and teaching them. Everything else comes second, as it should. He is not a sports fan or a video gamer. Nothing gets his attention over his children, and for that we are all truly grateful. They are first. As they should be.

So even when he is gone, they know they still matter. I know I still matter. And we just count down the days until he's home again. Which is never soon enough!