To wean or not to wean

That is the question.

I feel pretty strongly about child-lead weaning, for me, personally. I completely understand that it's not for everyone, and that's a-okay!

But that sure doesn't mean that I don't have days where I fantasize about Miss H weaning. A lot.

I love breastfeeding her, just as I love breastfeeding baby B. I love how sweet they look, how perfectly they fit in my arms. How they get this sense of calm and relaxation about them that only comes when they're at the breast. I love the way it connects us. The way it comforts and makes my children feel secure. I honestly just think breastfeeding is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. Lynch me if you wish.

That being said, and as strongly as I feel about child-lead weaning, I've definitely imposed some mommy-lead weaning on Miss H. Although I don't tell her "no", I do offer her other things first. When she does breastfeed, I always put a time limit on it, and she's pretty good with that.

If she weaned tomorrow, I'd be more than 100% okay with that. Though I certainly wouldn't force her. I realize that it gives her comfort. I realize that when we've had a tough day, or she's feeling like she hasn't gotten enough attention, it's the best way to make her feel connected and loved. I get that.

She is night weaned though. That was completely mommy-lead. I have a lot of negative feelings associated with that. I have a lot of excuses for why I did it too, but at the end of the day no one held a gun to my head and forced me to do it, so I have no one to blame but myself. It's done. It is what it is, I suppose.

But because I felt so badly about this decision, I swore I'd let baby B 100% self-wean, both daytime and nighttime. And I felt very strongly about this.

That is until about a month ago. Then I said no way, this is ridiculous, and chose this very evening as the night we start night-weaning. I don't mind nursing him at night. What drives me insane is that he can't sleep more than 30 minutes without a boob in his mouth. It doesn't matter if it's for nap or at night, in bed or in my arms.

Maybe this makes me extremely selfish. I don't really want to have to hold him or lay down beside him for 12+ hours a day while he sleeps. I get. I'm a bad mom because I want to put my own needs before his. Mostly, I'm okay with this. Or at least I'd like to say that I am. But I do feel badly that I cannot live up to my own beliefs and expectations. At least not happily. And I feel badly admitting that sometimes breastfeeding my child 24/7 makes me unhappy. Not all the time. Not even most of the time. But definitely some of the time.

So we've been building up to this day, mentally and emotionally preparing for it. It's not something I can do alone, that's for sure! And then three days ago J told me he was having second thoughts. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. What if baby B doesn't get enough food if we cut night feedings? How can we put his health at risk like that? What if he just screams inconsolably? How is that any different than cry-it-out, which he feels even more strongly against than I do?

Really, he just voiced all of my concerns. And made me start doubting things, too.

This is definitely one of those times where I wish I had a good non-judgemental friend who I could vent this too, and then s/he could give me a 3rd party outsider view. Someone who can tell me that my child will not be scarred for life if I night wean him (I'm not fully convinced Miss H's scary, awful night talking/screaming/crying is not somehow related to forcible night-weaning...).

I have a lot of expectations for myself as a momma. I think it's just natural, as other people always had very high expectations for me throughout my life. I naturally imposed them on myself. Sometimes I just wonder if I expect too much from myself. Then, of course, I immediately think of all the people I know who give even more of themselves to their children than I do, and then it seems crazy to think my own expectations are too high, you know?

So yeah...we are like four hours from Project Night Wean Baby B and I still can't decide if it's a go...