Just a Momma

So, back to the getting accepted to Law School but not going...

Someone asked me "why?". Why bother to go through the effort of applying (and to anyone who has ever applied knows it's a bit of a pain in the ass) when I'm not even going to attend after being accepted?

Well...I didn't apply with the intention of not going. At the time, I did intend to. But then once accepted, I just had to be completely honest with myself.

I have zero desire to go to Law School. No wish to ever practice law (which, when put like that, who would want a career that they could never be proficient in???).

So why did I even apply to Law School?

1.) I've always said I would eventually go. I have no great passion, no career or job that I see myself someday loving, so why not Law?

2.) I was feeling a bit worthless when I applied. I was experiencing PPD, I felt inadequate as a mother, as a wife, as a human being in general, and I thought that maybe if I "did something with my life" I would feel better.

3.) I sincerely believed I would not be accepted, but then in 10 years from now I could at least say I "tried."

4.) I figured on the very slight possibility of acceptance, then I would go. Hands down.

But now I know better. Now I know I will not go. Perhaps I will never go. And I'm very happy with this decision.

It's okay to be "just a mom." I am still an extremely intelligent human being. My intelligence does not cease simply because I am no longer in some sort of school.

I am enough. Just as I am, a stay at home mom, I am enough. My husband loves me. My children love me. They are happy with me just as I am. And I am happy with me.

There was a time in my life when I thought for sure I would never get married. I would  never have children, and I would only be a successful career woman. But then I met J, we said "I do", decided to have children, and voila! (Okay, so if we are being honest, it might not have happened in that exact order...)

I wouldn't change my life. Not for one single solitary second. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I am so pissy because everyone is clingy and whiny. Miss H wants to nurse all freaking day and she has a crappy toddler latch and B is so exhausted that all he does is cry if I put him down for a second, but God forbid he actually sleep ANYWHERE other than in the Ergo on me. So of course that means that the house is trashed and the dinner I had meant to prepare is now going to be replaced by pizza (but aren't I eating Paleo? And don't I know the dangers of fast food and processed food...and now I'm putting that into our bodies!?) Agh! It's so freaking exhausting and difficult and all I want to do is take a hot shower. Alone. And I know it will never happen.

How could I not want to trade all of that in for a nice classroom and some peace and quiet? Because, those are my babies. Because H eventually looks up at me with a milky grin and says "I love you, Momma! Yummy milk! Let's read "Hickory Dickory" now." And I am so amazed that my barely two year old baby girl can speak in full sentences and I love that she cuddles and reads with me. And then the baby does fall asleep and his head is resting on my chest and he is the most peaceful, beautiful thing I've ever witnessed. And I cannot stop inhaling his scent, which I've finally figured out. It's love. The beautiful, untainted smell of love.

And when it's put like that, how could I want to do anything other than be home with them? They are the first, and thus far, only thing in my life that I've ever been so truly passionate about. They make me happy, every single second of my life, even when I think I'm losing my mind. They are the reason I try every day to better myself, to learn new things outside of my comfort zone.

Maybe if I had something else I was passionate about. Maybe if I'd had a career before having children. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe then I would feel differently. But for now, I just want to be their momma.

They won't be little forever. I know that. They will be grown some day and gone. And it will happen before I blink again. So maybe then I will go to Law School. Or maybe not. I'm blessed not to have to know right now.  I can be just a mom.

So instead of worrying about the future and what I may or may not be and do someday, I'll worry about today. Where I am "just a momma." And all I do is "take care of kids." And I will hold my milky babies and pray that I don't take a second of our sweet time for granted.