I wish I weren't such a freak

Really and truly I do.

I wish I could leave my kids for an hour, an evening, or even a whole day, and not freak out. But I can't even do it theoretically in my head, so in reality, not so much.

Today is the first day our new sitter took the kids as a "trial run" before she has to watch them next week while I attend pilates. She took them to the park for one hour. She's two blocks away, and we both have phones. And yet I'm still sick to my stomach paranoid. And she really is a terrific girl!

J and I have talked/fantasized about taking a vacation kid-free once they've weaned...so you know, in like ten years...

But then after we've daydreamed about where we'd go, it always boils down to me saying, "Well, it's a nice thought. But who'd keep the kids? Never gonna happen..."

And then the bubble is burst.

Sane, rational, loving parents leave their children all the time. And it's okay! So why can I not get on that bandwagon, too? Especially when I want to.
Why do I, instead, just focus in on all the ways someone might treat my children differently than I would? Sure, they probably would. But J treats them differently than I do, and I have no issues with that. But then again, we are the same page, we just do the smaller bits differently. And to be honest, if someone "messes up" in our parenting style/beliefs, it's me.

I'm the one who has lost my cool a few times and yelled at Miss H. I'm the one who's taken her and tossed her in her room because I didn't want to hear her scream. I'm the one who has put her in front of the TV for an hour just so that she'd be quiet and baby B could nap.

Has J ever done any of that? No. Never.

So why am I so afraid of someone else performing my parenting mistakes on my kids?

I irrationally worry that someone will take H to the park and tell her she's not allowed to go on the big slide all by herself, or try climbing up anything, or that she cannot swing on the swings Superman-style. Or, God forbid, that she cannot climb up the slide. (Don't worry, I drilled it into the sitter that these were all acceptable!)

I'm afraid that someone will lose their cool and yell at her. Or worse, hit her.

I'm afraid someone will insist she not wear her clothes backwards after she has worked so hard to do it herself.

I'm afraid someone will let her watch TV for 3 hours straight. Or to make it worse, it'd be something that I'm not okay with her watching. Something with sassy kids or violence.

I'm afraid someone will feed her nothing but processed food and not realize that Kraft mac n cheese has food coloring in it and now she has diarrhea. Which of course would likely lead to lots of accidents, and she dislikes being in a diaper, so I can only envision the hysterics if someone tried to put her in one because they didn't want to clean up the accidents, which would lead to a battle of wills, and then maybe H would be punished, and all ready my heart aches for her mistreatment and it's never even happened.

I'm terrified someone would leave them to cry alone if they woke up at night. 

I'm afraid they'd be forced to eat certain foods at certain times, when they are always allowed to mostly eat when they want and how much they want.

I'm afraid they'd be forced to clean up all the toys, when that's not a requirement we have of them (though we encourage them to help!).

I'm afraid, in general, that situations would just not be handled the way I would handle them.

Which is silly. Because as I have no qualms admitting, I'm not perfect. I make plenty of mistakes, nearly on a daily basis. So how in the world could I expect someone else to live up to my impossible expectations?

Yeah, I really am a freak. I get it. I truly hope I can get over it at some point in my life. Because that weaning vacation sounds fabulous...and there are plenty of people who love my babes and they'd be perfectly fine with.

Of course, most of those people leave far away. I keep telling J that we are going to have to face the fact that we will eventually have to end up out West to be near his family and friends who might lend a hand every now and then.

And hell, it's possible my kiddos might even have fun without me!

Nah...baby steps...freaks need to take baby steps...